Donors

[hazeleckeogh]

Hey, new here so don't know the lingo yet wink Just wondering about (lesbian preferably!) mums opinions on anon/ known donors. I don't want my children to feel like they'll only be complete when they know who their dad is, it upsets me to think that they won't see me and their other mum as their two parents and that they will probably think they need to find their "dad", who didn't raise them, didn't bring them to school, change the nappies, do the homework and the brushing their teeth and cleaning up sick and all that other stuff that parents do. In short, I want them to see us as their parents and not feel the need to find the man who donated sperm for us to be able to conceive, and I don't want them to be able to find him at all. Is that wrong or am I justified? And how can I keep that man 100% anon??

Overseas donors can be anon. It is pretty standard. You just need either to go with a clinic who'll let you import, or to import for self-insemination if that's your chosen route.

That said, our DD's donor is UK-based, so not anon, and I have to say I am not hugely worried about DD thinking we're not her mums. She may want to make contact with her donor at some stage - I slightly hope she does as he sounds nice and I am so grateful to him - but she's 9 months old and it's already very obvious she thinks of us both as her mums. Same with every other child of lesbian parents I know.

You can't really every have an anonymous donor any more given the probability of children finding their donor and half siblings via the commercial DNA testing sites. I completely understand your fears about your child wanting a Dad etc, but I think evidence shows that children can grow up knowing they don't have a dad but have a donor and be very well adjusted and happy knowing exactly who their mums are, and knowing that they have two mums in their family rather than a mum and and a Dad. I am a solo mum with 11 year old twins who have no information on their donors which is an issue for them. They have expressed the fact that they wouldn't mind a Dad but it has never felt threatening to my relationship with them. However, deliberately choosing an anonymous donor may cause real issues for a child and that is why ID release donors are available in the UK - to give your child that chance. I would definitely recommend talking to people like the Donor Conception Network who have lots of lesbian couples with kids who would be happy to talk about your fears. C x