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This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

LGBT parents

People presuming I'm straight

10 replies

user1483908438 · 08/01/2017 23:25

I'm a very masculine gay man. Talk, muscular not a camp cell in my body. I have a son via surrogate. Have since split from my partner and while I used to always mention my partner in conversation to let people know I'm gay I can't now.

So everyone (literally everyone I've ever spoken to at any kind of length) presumes I'm straight.

I've also found while people are generally supportive when they find out I'm gay, now I'm a parent there's still some funny looks. Anyone else experienced this?

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user1483908438 · 08/01/2017 23:25

Talk not talk

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user1483908438 · 08/01/2017 23:26

Tall not talk. Autocorrect!

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ThatsNeverBeenMySoddingName · 08/01/2017 23:39

I'm bi not gay but I have had some very very strange reactions to people seeing photos of me and my ex gf or now I'm dating again the reactions I get from people who know I'm a mom when they see me on a date with a girl. I think its because unless you are obvious people are scared of offending others. I always think of it this way, there are people out there who would be hugely offended if people assumed they were gay, but generally gay people are unfazed and just correct people who think they are straight. Not saying its right though.

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user1483908438 · 08/01/2017 23:54

There's a prestige in the gay community with me. About being able to pass as straight. Well among my friends anyway. I luckily do have some great friends but none are parents so I have no play dates for my son. There's still not that many gu parents around so people are still shocked

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user1483908438 · 08/01/2017 23:54

Men*

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Earlgreywithmilk · 09/01/2017 00:06

I'm a straight mum and just wanted to say I don't really know any gay people but if there was a single gay dad at playgroup/school in my child's class I would probably be a little surprised at first but it would in no way be a negative thing and I'd make just as much effort with you as with anyone as Im sure most people would. It's just there are no gay parents in our area as far as I know so it would be of some interest to people when they found out I'm sure but that's to be expected when surrogacy/gay parenting is still quite new to most people.
Just wanted to say, how old is ur son? I'm guessing pre-school age? If so, don't worry about play dates because when he starts school you'll be inundated I'm sure.
You can't blame people for being shocked if u seem really straight it's just a natural reaction, so long as no one is rude - I can understand it's annoying for you though (maybe u need to camp it up a bit - only joking!) I'm sure that people's shock will quickly turn into curiosity and they will just want to know more about you and your son and it's then entirely up to u if you want to divulge info.

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user1483908438 · 09/01/2017 00:11

He's 3 years old. I'm hoping he makes friends at school. I have friends in the area but not friends with children and sometimes I do think he's a lonely child. He starts nursery in February. That should help. I do feel I stick out a bit at the schools gates though!

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HelenaGWells · 09/01/2017 00:30

I think a lot of the time people just assume the more likely scenario and statistically you are more likely to be a straight single dad than a gay one.

Personally the only people whose sexualities I know are a few who have told me. I never assume as there are many bisexuals currently in straight relationships for instance.

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Earlgreywithmilk · 09/01/2017 00:41

Aw, I promise you he will definitely make friends. Please don't worry u will look back in a year or two and laugh at being worried he won't make friends. Playgroup will be brilliant for him and in the meantime you could look at toddler groups as that will give u a chance to meet other parents too. I'm sure many others on here would tell you age 3 is a bit young for play dates - they tend not to even take much notice of one another at that age!
Go online and have a look at what's available in your area in terms of parent/toddler groups - it will be good for you as well as him to just get out and meet people - and if the parents near you are anything like most of the ones I know from putting 4 kids through school playgroup/school in the last 10 years they will be very normal and nice and un-bothered by the fact that you are a gay dad!
Ps. Just remembered I do know a gay couple! My sons friend has two mums i can't believe I forgot (that just shows how unimportant and normal it is to everyone that knows them, it just doesn't even register any more)!

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/01/2017 07:46

I don't have a child yet (DP is due in March), but I get this. It's odd, and I do know what you mean about it being annoying. There's definitely not prestige attached to women who look straight, either. (And I think your friends are slightly wanky if they really believe that).