A fairly big mess

[Hollysocks0]

Hi, I've name changed for this. I'm just looking for some advice and to be pointed towards some resources if they exist.

I'm 27 and I've been married to my husband for just over a year. We were trying for a baby but have decided to not focus on that for the moment because of our ages and our careers.

My husband is vaguely aware of my past relationships with women. I've never hid it from him, but he has never asked about them or mentioned it since. I adore my husband but there's always been something missing and I've never been able to put my finger on it.

A couple of months ago someone close to us came out and shared that they were in a loving long term relationship. I am so happy for them both and have no interest in being with either of them, but it's been a real eye opener on my own sexuality which I've pushed down for so long, and the catalyst for how I'm feeling at the moment. The thoughts have always been there in my head throughout our relationship but I've always ignored them.

I have no one to speak to about this. My family would disown me, my husband would NOT be understanding. I would lose my home, my friends, and my job. It's consumed my life for the past few months and I can't get my head straight. I'm not sleeping and can't focus on anything else than my own thoughts. I'm managing to hide this from my husband at the moment.

Are there any online forums or advice for me? I need to get my head sorted out and work out what I want. I can't risk losing my husband yet.

Sorry for the ramble

Hi Holly, I'm so sorry you're going through this - your panic is shimmering off the screen. It sounds like you've been worrying yourself sick with doomsday scenarios, but you know wherever this ends up you're probably going to be fine.

Have you tried ringing Switchboard? (0300 330 0630 10am-11pm or email [email protected]). It sounds like you could do with some counselling to help you sort out all these difficult feelings.

Thank you Devora, I think I'll email the switchboard I don't think I can physically say these feelings out loud. I'm so frightened at the moment. This would absolutely devastate my husband I can't turn his world upside down.

Just remember you don't have to make any life-changing decisions right now. Take your time. The way forward may not be clear right now, but it is there and you will find it in time. Be gentle with yourself: lots of women have been where you are now.

Thank you so much. I feel like I've been drowning in panic for the last few months. In my heart of hearts I know who I am and what I want, I just don't know if I can walk away from my entire life and make my husband and family ashamed in order to have it. I love my safe and steady life and I'm so scared.

Coming out can be very scary (I know!). But you're leaping ahead a bit - I honestly think you need to start by thinking about the feelings - with the help of someone wise and sensitive. Thinking about actions can come later, by which time you'll feel stronger and surer about what you need to do . Put another way, you might end up knowing you need to leave your marriage, but feeling stronger and more positive about doing so. Or you might resolve to stay with your marriage, but knowing about how to manage the feelings.

Do ring switchboard, they're very good. And stay in touch and let me know how you're getting on. xx