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This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

LGBT parents

Feeling guilty...

5 replies

Nurseyb26 · 18/06/2013 21:41

Hi, I'm 27 a nurse and have two children aged 2 and 4 both girls. I met the girls father when I was 15 and we stated together happy for about 9 years, getting a mortgage and building a life. However I became unhappy but was very isolated in my relationship with studying my nursing qualifications and working part time to pay for the rent/ mortgage. I then met a new circle of friends. All of which were lesbians. I'm a very open minded person so this didn't even seem an issue to me. I became very close to one girl in particular and we became best friends. This girl showed me a life I'd never had before, she was amazing, after a night drinking she kissed me and one thing led to another. I never touched her at all but she absolutely blew my socks off and gave me orgasms I never knew were possible.

To cut a long story short, I left my boyfriend, but we kept the house on and I moved into the spare room. Me and my friend/ lover became closer and closer until she met another girl who was a fully qualified lesbian so to speak and I was pushed out a little although she would continue to sleep with me. This made me feel like shit.
My x boyfriend then flew me to Paris as a surprise and proposed. I saw a chance and took it and vowed to put all the lesbianism behind me. I feel pregnant with my first daughter and we were really happy. Until he started seeking attention elsewhere while I was pregnant. I hit rock bottom but thought my options were limited so decided to forgive him and tried again.
Things never got better and low and behold my lesbian lover soon reappeared in my life. This time no one else was involved and I once again finished with my fiancé in hope this girls would make me happy.
She blew hot and cold for a long time and has her own issues, I ended up going back to my boyfriend and fell pregnant with my second daughter. He again seeked attention from other girls so I ended it once more. I was then left all alone pregnant and a 2 year old to look after. My lesbian lover helped me and we grew closer again. We completely fell in love with each other and she made me feel completely adored. While I was so happy I watched my x fiancé suffering and it broke my heart. We had grown up together and he knew nothing about me and my lesbian lover. All the lies between us and everyone else were tearing me apart.
I have birth to my second daughter and was too busy to think about it all,
My second daughter is now two and iv grown as a woman and a mother. Iv cut all ties with my lesbian lover and compleatly broke her heart and also my own.
I'm now on my own with my two girls, still on my mortgaged house that my x fiancé still pays half for. We have a close relationship and he seems to want to try again. All I keep thinking about is her. I feel it's where my heart is but bringing my girls up in any relationship other than with there father is never what I had planned.
I feel my lover is just for me, to make me happy and to love me but my x fiancé is there dad and is for there happiness although doesn't make me happy. I don't know what to do/choose?!?!?
I feel so guilty that I'm even contemplating this kind of life for my girls..... I know it's like an episode of Jeremy Kyle and very long winded but thank you for reading

: )

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CurlyClare · 18/06/2013 23:11

that is a tough one, you only get one shot at life though, so go with your heart if you're strong enough to do it. Staying in a loveless marriage will not be beneficial or healthy for your children. You being happy will ultimately make them happy, it's much easier to be the best mum you can be if you're happy and fulfilled yourself. But you are obviously a really kind person to be willing to be so selfless and try and work it out with their dad for their sake. Good luck with whatever you decide and don't beat yourself up about it, you deserve to be happy too!

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Nurseyb26 · 20/06/2013 21:52

Aww thank you so much for ur k

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Nurseyb26 · 20/06/2013 21:54

Aww thank you so much for ur kind words. Lots of people have said the same thing to me in regards to me being a better mom if I'm happy. It's so hard to kick the habit of a lifetime tho. I'd always dreamed of the 'perfect family' and a big house one the hill ect. It's all just not turning out the way I planned it I guess.

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CurlyClare · 21/06/2013 09:41

I know how you feel, I'm struggling with something similar myself at the mo although me and dh are relatively happy, I just feel I want to be with a woman!

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Corkyandviolet · 05/07/2013 23:02

Hi Nursey, this reply is probably a bit late as I've only just seen your post, but when I read it I found myself thinking a lot about your predicament. I'm certainly no relationship expert, but I can't help thinking that neither of them is ideal for you. I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear, but:

Regarding the children's father, I can fully understand where you're coming from when you say you feel you should let your children grow up with their two parents. In fact, initially I was going to say that this is the option you should take. However, the fact that he cheated on you when you were pregnant, not just once but both times, speaks volumes. If you still feel bad about how unhappy he is now, do bear in mind his behaviour. Can you be absolutely sure he wouldn't do it again, a few years down the line? If he did, the effect on your children could be devastating.

Regarding the girlfriend, hmmm... Well, she hasn't exactly been faithful either, has she? She got into a relationship while she was already seeing you - I know you described her as a friend at this point, but she was still sleeping with you and so must have known that her getting involved with someone else would be hurtful for you. And the woman she started seeing - did she know that her girlfriend was seeing you as well, or was it all behind her back? Your friend wasn't being fair on either of you. You've also mentioned that she has issues, and that she blows hot and cold. So it's not always great being with her, but you're perhaps looking back on the whole thing with rose-tinted spectacles a little bit. I can't help wondering if, when the passion dies down, the relationship will remain happy. You say you have cut all ties with her - there must have been a reason for that?

Don't hate me for suggesting this, but could you perhaps be going through a period of loneliness? Being a single parent can be pretty solitary, you have only two young children for company at home and perhaps don't have much of a social life as you have to look after them and so it's difficult to get away. You don't say exactly how long you've been single, but it seems a bit odd to be longing for someone you consciously cut ties with. Is it even still an option to get back with her, is she still single, would she want to see you? I guess another possibility is simply that you are gay, which is why you think of her and feel nothing for the man who wants you.

Ultimately, I can't tell you what to do, nobody can, but I think if you are at all unsure, then remain single for as long as it takes, don't jump into anything. If you do decide to get back with the children's father, the two of you would need to have a serious discussion about his past behaviour. He's only human, we all make mistakes, but to have done that when you were pregnant - twice - is really low. I hope you make the right decisions and have a fabulously happy life, I wish you the best of luck. X

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