I feel so guilty - having a sexuality crisis

[ImpYCelyn]

I'm 27 and currently married, we have 2 DSs, 2.7 and 13 months.

As a bit of back story - as a teenager I was sure I was gay. From 16-18 I was in a relationship with a woman in her early 20s who was emotionally abusive and also had some serious issues with alcohol. When I went to uni she broke all kinds of promises to me and after the first term I broke up with her when she came home.

I was so exhausted by her and relieved to be out of it that I decided to take the opportunity to experiment a bit and tried out being with men. I found it fine, and I'm ashamed to say that I stuck with it largely because it made my life so much easier. My parents, who had spent all of my childhood being open-minded, we've-got-so-many-close-gay-friends types, reacted really badly when they found out I thought I was gay, which was frankly devastating, I'd been so sure they'd be supportive. They basically never mentioned it, except for occasional snide or outright offensive comments. I was so miserable. I self-harmed and drank outrageous amounts, and otherwise tried to self-destruct. As an adult I think the abusive relationship could have been dealt with sooner if I'd had some adult guidance. I was so relieved to find something that (I thought) changed all that.

I told all of my boyfriends that I had previously had girlfriends, but in retrospect I'm not sure if I told any of them that I was bisexual (which is what I am now sure I am). However I do think I told my husband that, or at least that I was still attracted to women.

Anyway, I'm suddenly really struggling with the idea of being with a man for the rest of my life. I'm not sure if it's because I would actually rather be with a woman, or something else. I'm worried it's altogether more pathetic, and it's that I'm struggling with the idea of being such a perfect example of heterosexual monogamy when that's not what I was about. Whatever it is I feel really trapped and unhappy at the moment.

I also really miss the LGBT scene. I no longer have any LGBT friends, I realise now that I have systematically reduced contact with people who could out me to my family. I really miss that aspect of my life, in fact I really feel like I need it back, though I can't explain why. I loved being with other LGBT people. I have no idea how to get that back.

About 5-6 years ago my mental health took a real nose dive again. I was studying something I hated and as my parents were paying and supporting me that put lots of pressure on me to keep going with it. I ended up with terrible anxiety, general and social, and my OCD went crazy. It's been loads better for the last year or so, but the thought of going out and trying to find new friends terrifies me. Which is a real shame as after the last few years I basically have no friends left.

I feel terrible. I love my DH. But I keep having these awful thoughts that maybe he's just a great friend who I make myself sleep with. I don't want to destroy everything we have, especially if it's just a temporary issue.

Sorry for the terrible rambling post. I suppose I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this and how they worked through it.

Thanks very much for reading.

I know about this but from your children's point of view.

Male or female, straight or gay we can all be attracted to people outside the marriage. But if it is a good marriage and your dh is a husband and a friend and you have had kids as well I think you owe it to them to stick to your commitments.

I had a hideously unhappy childhood. Parents divorced, in the worst way, fighting over us, slagging each other off to us, pushed from pillar to post so I am pretty set against people divorcing.

Thank you for replying greencolorpack - ultimately my children are my main concern, and I won't do anything that will make them unhappy.

I'm so sorry that you had an unhappy childhood. The thought of doing that to my two terrifies me.

Reading your post op it looks as if the issue is not your sexuality but the fact that you have not come to terms with your past. you perhaps feel that you parents don't love and accept all of you (just the bits that they want) and so you have to hide bits of your past and character to be loved and accepted. You perhaps also feel resentful that they did not protect you in your first relationship with the abusive woman. I think you need some conselling and to decide whether you want to bring all this up with your parents. All the best and good luck

Thanks drwitch.

I have huge issues with my parents regarding my teenage years (and indeed after that), I know that and it's something I've been working on for a long time. I suppose a significant problem right now is that it's all tied in together.

I think what has previously stopped me from being from women again is that I can't face that situation with them again. And I think I would be happier now, even with my DH, if I could be out as a bisexual, just as a married bisexual, but again I can't bear the thought of the hideous fall out that will come with that.

As far as they are concerned now I've never been anything other than heterosexual. My father recently reflected that it was just as well I'd waited til university to date as it meant I could concentrate on my studies. They know perfectly well I was dating before that, but they have erased it from their version of the past. That by itself hurts so much that I don't want to raise the subject with them again. Even now they can't be honest about it.

I don't blame them for what happened in my relationship, mainly I think that I was a pushover who let it go on for too long. It wasn't my first relationship, so I already knew that things didn't have to be like that. I just think that if I'd been able to be open with them they would have been able to help me process all of that more quickly.

That said, I am certain that what I'm feeling now is linked to my sexuality.

I think I need to find my way back to the LGBT community, and seriously think about coming out as a bisexual. Maybe being open about that will help me to accept the decisions that I've made.

Thanks again.

Excellent post drwitch.

Impy that must be horrible that your dad is erasing your past.

With my parents I keep them very much at arms length these days. Emotionally, physically, geographically. When my dad talks for hours on the phone to me I just watch videos on YouTube and try not to take in what he says. I know it's dishonest but it's Too difficult to try and make him listen. maybe you could do something similar?

My DH is bisexual and was open to me about it. His parents are great in general and with dc but very traditional and dismissed it as a phase when he married me. He's brought it up a few times in front of his parents when we were discussing old fond memories. DH is now reluctant to talk about his past around his parents as they've made it quite clear that his "vulgar" lifestyle is not to be mentioned.

DH sits with me and talks about his past and I don't pass judgement for my own reasons. Have you thought sitting down with your DH and just talked about fond memories, old times, fears, the future etc? It may help or as someone suggested counselling?

As for reconnecting, we go to PRIDE every year with dc it's a great day/weekend out and you get to meet new people of all backgrounds. Maybe this would be a start?

Thank you so much again greencolorpack. I think I do need to work on emotional distance. I disagree with their views and opinions on certain things, so I need to stop attaching importance to them.

MultipleMama - thank you so much for sharing. And thank you for some great ideas.

I sat down with DH last night and told him that I wanted to stop pretending I was heterosexual. He replied that he hadn't realised I had been. So we had a talk and he told me he completely understands why I need to be able to say that I'm not heterosexual, that I'm bisexual, and he completely supports me in that. I don't plan to spontaneously announce it to everyone, but I'm not going to hide it anymore and if it comes up we're agreed that I should tell the truth. I feel loads better already.

I also mentioned that I want to reconnect and he's really supportive of that as well, so PRIDE is a great suggestion. I think the DSs would love it too.

Thank you all again!

Glad you sorted things out and you were able to get it off your chest :)

He sounds like a lovely dh. Maybe you were projecting your feelings of rejection from parents, onto your dh?

It's important to be honest about fancying people. My dh and I are happy to talk about fancying people and struggling with such feelings specially if he or I are stuck in dull jobs and there's not much to do except fancy colleagues.