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Transgendered parent - advice / hand holding

5 replies

thisiswhatiam · 07/01/2013 22:48


I'm transgendered MTF. I have an 8 year old son who I am very close to. I'm separated but my ex has been as supportive as you can expect in the circumstances. I'm still in "male mode" when I'm with my son but some changes are getting obvious - like no facial hair, long hair and breast growth. We plan to tell our son soon but we're both really worried.

I don't want to lose the relationship I have with him - nor does my ex - and we don't want him to be bullied at school. It's just something that you can't tell will happen until we tell him - it could all be fine or it could just trigger things. He's very into saying "boys are best" and talking about being a boy. Maybe he's trying to bring something up but doesn't know the right words.

I feel crap that I've put them both through this. I shouldn't have got into the relationship in the first place but I tried to hide everything I was doing. I tried to fight it - but the feeling consumed me. It was so selfish of me to continue the relationship. I hjate how I've screwed up my ex's life. She's been so good - I know other ex's who've wanted nothing to do with it.

I can't stop the process - I can't go back to where I was. But it's going to have such an effect on my son. I hate what I've done to my family - we separated due to other reasons but it all came out in me once I was free to do what I needed to do.

So we plan to tell him soon. School knows - just in case someone brings something up. I just don't want to lose him.

OP posts:
Lilithmoon · 08/01/2013 18:40

I can't offer much in the way of specific advice but I will hold your hand :)
Just one point, I think boys are best is quite a common stage, my DD is definitely of the opinion that the opposite is the case!
Are you getting support in RL?

thisiswhatiam · 08/01/2013 22:17

Thanks for reply. I've got some RL friends who are ok to listen to me. I've got a good friend but she's also a good friend of my ex. My ex and I get on really well but she's also got "mum hat" on and that's always going to be her worry.

My ex has been really good - she even came with me to an appointment and referred to me as "her" which must have been a really big thing for her to do. She keeps saying it's so hard for her to see the change in the appearance in me - it's not bothered DS (although he did make a loud comment about my breasts once) but he's got used to everything.

But my ex is trying and I am so grateful for that - I don't think she understands how much I appreciate that despite having told her. I understand her concerns but I hope my son will be ok.

There's just so many more things going on in my head that no one knows and I have no idea who to talk to about them. I can't talk to my ex about them.

OP posts:
Lilithmoon · 09/01/2013 20:33

It sounds like you are getting some good support but you may need to look elsewhere too. Perhaps there is a forum could access where you could chat to people with similar experiences to yours.
I really hope things work out for you OP.

mrsposhtrash · 08/04/2013 15:06

Just stumbled across this interesting thread, I was in this position about a year and a half ago...and all has gone well so far. Would be interested to know if you have disclosed/come out to your son yet? Happy to offer useful advice and a helping hand. I also have the complete support of my spouse and we are still happily married - transition can be successful for children too..

KarateChopper · 14/04/2013 10:00

Hi, I have recently started a social networking website for all us LGBT parents to make it easier for us to meet other like-minded people (please don't let the name of the website put you off, we are currently trying to change it to reflect the inclusive nature of the group.) Pop a long and have a look - it's free :-)

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