Advice needed please!

[Fams12]

Apologies in advance of the long post...

My wife and I have been together for 4years and 3 months she gave birth to our beautiful baby girl. Since then I feel everything has fallen apart a bit. Firstly, her mum and dad aren't totally OK with her being a lesbian, but since she announced she was pregnant they have been over joyed and even came and stayed for a week when baby was here but I am still not allowed to go with my wife to visit them. They're coming again next month for over a week (far too long) and then she is going back with them for over a week with baby which I was upset about (am I right to be upset?). I feel uncomfortable having people in my house who won't welcome me into their house.
Then my mum visited for the weekend and when she left my wife old me how uncomfortable she feels round her and was so upset about it she was wondering if she could handle the next 30years of it but realised she couldn't live without me. Now I don't know what to do, what to say to my mum? She doesn't want go and visit my family now but my mum is dying for us to go down and visit. I was so upset by this and have been crying loads. Just don't know what to do...

Congratulations on your daughter.

I think you both really need to talk about your new life. It is always hard when a new baby arrives, especially the first one as the family dynamics change too. You need to talk about how you have gone from being a couple to being a family.

Both of your mums need to understand you are part of a new family now and families stick together. If her parents wish to come and stay then you need to talk about this as you need to feel comfortable in your own home. If you are not comfortable with her and your daughter staying away for a week ask her how she would feel if the tables were turned and you and your daughter were leaving her for a week.

Why does your wife feel uncomfortable with your mum staying?

Try not to portion blame and talk about how you feel. e.g. "I feel really upset when I am here without our daughter or my wife." or "I am really glad your mum wants to play an active part in our daughters life. I want us to raise her as a family so it would be good if me and your mum could start to form a good relationship too."

Hope this helps!

Thanks so much for your help! We definitley need to sit and down and talk about it all. I just hope she will listen!

I think my mum is a bit overpowering at times, which I totally understand but she would be so upset if she thought she had upset my other half. She's starting to nip pick at everything my mum does now, which I can't handle. I feel like I'm trying to keep everyone happy.

It's fine when it's just the three of us, I hate all the family politics!

How are things going now have you had any chance for discussion?

Hi Fams, so sorry to hear that you have been so upset, i hope things are getting a little better for you! A new baby can change so much even in the most solid of realtionships, I know from experience! I hope you have had time to talk to each other, and I hope it helps you both. Take care and hugs xxx

We had the same sort of situation, but it was my mum who was a little over powering. (I am birth mum)
My partner foundbitvreally hard to be round my family as they are all a little like that. It really upset me as I wanted my family to be part of our lives, but everytime they were we argued.
So that was the first 4 months when we didn't know our head from our bottom anyway!!!!
We talked a lot a shouted a bit and cried buckets. But now things are much better. Apart from anything else we get more sleep so are not so short tempered but also we both realised how tough it was for the other.
My mum is only ever trying to help, it's just comes across a bit over the top. She would have been devistated if she know how upset my partner was.
So what I am trying to say is..... It's normal but you must tell each other how your feel, the moment you stop talking you start shouting.
Good luck
Px

Ps little fella is now 7 months and things are sooooooooo much better x

Thank you all so much for your input and for being so
nice.

Our daughter is 4 months now and I feel like things are settling down a
bit now.
Although things seem to have reared up on my partners side now. Her parents were just over for her dads birthday, and now she's home back with them for a week. My other half thought the situation had got better and was going to talk to them about me going home with her but her parents have basically said that I will never be able to go home with her because, in their words, they are very private people and obviously don't want anyone to know that her daughter is married to another woman! But they will happily stay at our house for a week and basically take over. It's obvious they don't see me as our daughters mother, and I know they think they have more say over her than I do!

I don't know how this is going to end. We just wish we could move
somewhere far far away....

have basically said that I will never be able to go home with her

This is very tricky. How can you see this evolving when your daughter becomes a bit older and realises that one of her parents is not welcomed by her grandparents?

possibly time to put your collective feet down - this kind of thing just will not work when there is a child involved, e.g. people who are close to her acting as if there is something to be ashamed of. Everyone has to be on board, and on message, irrespective of their worries about what the neighbors think. They are giving her a very negative message about her parents - and she will need support. No-one is allowed to develop a relationship with our dds (however entitled they might feel) unless they treat our family as a family. They all do.

I would say that your wife needs to put her foot down with her parents & say that either both of you are welcome at their house or neither of you go. However I know it's a lot easier to say do it on here than actually do it.

I very much doubt their neighbours would give two hoots about whether their neighbours daughter is married to another woman.

I know, she will soon start figuring it out and ask why I dont ever go with them. But I don't think they see me as her mum so probably don't think it's a problem. I don't want my daughter to encounter any negativity from her family of all places.

Thank you all so much for your input. It's hard to see things clearly sometimes.

but their grand-daughter does see you as her mum, and it is her that matters!