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LGBT parents

This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

Transgender Mum

10 replies

Uberly · 15/04/2012 20:34

Hello,

I'll try to keep this short for now and will add more details if and when needed, as this could turn into a long post!

I have a 10 year old stepson and live with his father. His biological mother has always been distant in his life, leaving him and dad when he was a few months old. As dad describes it, it's like she's been a "satellite" during his life, sometimes she's there, sometimes she's not. So they haven't got a close bond or much or a relationship. She also has a 7 year old girl from another relationship (who lives with her).

Before Christmas, our son was told that she is going to become a boy. This is something which has confused and upset him. Last weekend, he found out that she's now going by a male name, and she is insisiting that everyone around her now calls her by the male name. So to her young daughter, she is no longer 'mummy' but this male first name. My son is very uncomfortable about this and doesn't want to call her by her chosen male name. He has always called her by her female first name.

The mum is not taking hormone treatments. She is dressing as a man and legally changed her name by deed poll. She is undertaking her RLE and is due to see a member of the mental health team later next week, as part of the process.

The main issue that I have is that the mum does not seem to appreciate how this affects my lad and expects him (and everyone else) to accept these new changes. Any communication of late regarding how our boy feels, is responded by lots of statements like "I want....", "people have to understand how I feel..." etc.

Can anyone offer and help, guidance, support, similar situations, etc?

I've recently been reading a lot about transgender and have been in touch with some TG groups, but I'm interested on what others have to say about best helping our lad.

Thanks very much

OP posts:
redrubyshoes · 15/04/2012 21:12

I worked with a transgender (male to female) and often listened to the problems that she had. Her sons and brothers rejected her for many years and when her daughter in law fell pregnant they broke bread and made up.

It all got very complicated again when she insisted on being called 'Grandperson' and her son and DIL fell out with her again.

The whole situation was strange at work. When the men went out for a beer and a curry she wasn't invited. When the women went out she wasn't invited either.

It is a bad reflection on both sides but she wanted to be taken seriously as a professional (in a very male dominated world) but talk shoes and make up with the women (when she was 6' 4" and looked very masculine).

It was a twilight world where never the twain could meet but she was so aggresive and angry we did avoid her - she is now 63 and alone.

I feel guilty but I did try to offer the hand of friendship and she pulled us up short sooooo many times if anyone put a foot wrong. This involved screaming at a waiter when he called her 'sir' and calling for the manager for an apology even when the lad was puce with embarassment and had said sorry many times.

He has to accept that people will say 'sir' and 'Hi Guys' and not take umbrage if they get confused.

Uberly · 15/04/2012 22:47

Very sad story redrubyshoes. I find the whole issue of not understanding how people who are not TG feel, and that naturally as humans we make mistakes (e.g. calling "sir" as a honest error) frustrating, to be honest. Especially when young children are involved.

OP posts:
wrighty2010 · 19/04/2012 17:09

Wish I had som advice to offer you, it sounds a very sad and confusing situation. The plus point is that you are there and you obviously want to understand and help in anyway you can and that is just what your son needs. Hope you find someone to give you the advice taht you need, xx

TiggyD · 27/04/2012 16:13

Many transsexuals spend some time being a hyper-sensitive, self obsessed, pain in the arse. It passes.
I reckon they could do with a transsexual who has transitioned a while ago to have a talk with him. Your son is having to cope with the 'death' of his Mother and a 'new' man in his life.
I think using a phrase like "Yes, we have to understand you feelings, and you have to understand other peoples' feelings" might be handy. Is there any chance of family counselling of any kind?

motherinferior · 27/04/2012 16:18

Er...you do know, you lot, that there are lots of really happy transpeople who only wish they'd transitioned sooner? A Sad and Lonely Old Age is not inevitable.

TiggyD · 27/04/2012 16:37

Yup. I know lots.

motherinferior · 27/04/2012 16:44

Didn't mean you, Tiggitude. Just the general tone of Oh This Will End Badly.

TiggyD · 27/04/2012 16:46

Well...I do know one TS who supports Brentford. Shock

wrighty2010 · 29/04/2012 17:50

Hi, are things any better/easier, thinking of you xx

YakkaSkink · 01/05/2012 21:34

I have a close friend who is M to F and she, obviously, goes by her female name for all purposes except one - the younger of her two DC's calls her 'dad' as she has since she started talking. My friend sees that her first responsibility is as a parent and is fine with it because it's about inhabiting a role that her DD needs fulfilled so she's happy to do that in the way that works for her DD. The problem here is bad parenting, not being transgendered.

Your stepson's bio mother does need to do this - the suicide rate for transpeople is horrific, so he's right to that extent. Having a parent attempt or suceed in committing suicide is a lot worse for children than having one who transitions, but he's not handling it any better than he's handled parenting your stepson previously. Your stepson is very lucky to have you there to help him.

Colage have some pretty good resources to help children if you haven't found them yet: www.colage.org/resources/kot/

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