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This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

LGBT parents

Lesbian/Gay Relations

10 replies

glassbar · 27/03/2012 11:40

I am a gay aunt living with my partner. We have young nieces/nephews and recently one of them aged seven asked if we were going to get married. I said probably/yes and moved on. The children's mother is furious and says that having discussed the matter with all of her friends they all agree she is right to be furious. We are now not able to see the children apparently unless she is there, in case we "discuss the facts of life/religion and politics" with the chidren, and their mother has said this is a scar that will need to be healed. They live in a rural area and have no LGBT friends. We live on the outskirts of London with a mixture of straight/LGBT friends. The children's mother hinted that she wants to suggest that my partner and I are sharing a house together and not in a relationship. The children have stayed with us on and off since they were born. Any advice on how to deal with this?

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hev2010 · 27/03/2012 17:23

My partner and I have 14 nieces and nephews and we are very lucky that our brothers/sisters and inlaws are so accepting. They have always known the truth and all attended our CP. We have had several of them comment that they are pleased their children know there are different families and that it will hopefully help to bring them up to be more respectful of other people.

Children are always inquisitive and you did completely the right thing by telling them the truth. Does the mother wish to bring them up biggoted?

Sorry I've not given any advice on how to deal with this, I just had to respond as it made me so angry!

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LucyManga · 27/03/2012 17:27

I am so sorry about this. Complete and utter overreaction on your SIL's part!

I am a straight mum of two, and I cannot imagine why she wouldn't want you to be open and honest in a matter-of-fact, age appropriate way with her children (which you were)? Madness! Is she basically saying that homosexuality is something to be ashamed of or kept secret from children? Bizarre. She needs to eally ave a log hard look at herself!

No advice, really, but perhaps you could write to her and explain how upsetting this is (well, it must be upsetting - it is a complete rejection of you), and urge her to calm down and think this through.

I would probably tell her to fuck of back to Victorian Times, but that wouldn't be constructive

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LucyManga · 27/03/2012 17:27

really have a long hard look - sorry shite keyboard

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GetOrfMoiiLand · 27/03/2012 17:32

I am so sorry about this - it must be incredibly hurtful. How awful of them to say that.

My mother and aunt are gay and have been out for years - my mother in particular found it hard (coming out in small town Devon in the 80s was not a walk in the park) and I always found it astounding that people still say very hurtful and offensive things.

That is very hard that the children have stayed with you on and off since you were born but the mother is so angry about you expressing how you live your life. I really don't know what to suggest. Such bigotry is very hard to deal with I can only imagine. Is there someone in your friends/family who can act as a go between, to try and resolve this? Bloody hell though imo I don't know how it can be.

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glassbar · 28/03/2012 10:56

Thank you for your support/comments. We are devastated. In addition I was told "And we don't want the children coming home saying they are going to be bridesmaids" by which I assume she means that if we did have a wedding they don't want the children to be bridesmaids (not that we would have suggested that to the children without speaking to their parents first anyway) Up to now we have attended the children's birthday parties and helped by making coffee for the parents and wrapping up pass the parcel and so on. I have now been told "We only want people who have children to attend". The children actually have their own room in our home. There is no one who can act as a go between. In contrast we recently visited a close male friend who is separated from his wife and has a toddler with a speech delay. My partner arrived first and was in his kitchen doing something and when I arrived at the door the little boy took me by the hand and took me to the kitchen to show me my partner. Even at that age the little boy clearly viewed me and my partner as a pair.

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OTheHugeManatee · 28/03/2012 11:46

Jesus fuck. Where does she live: 1912?

Is this your SIL behaving in this way? Or your sister? What does her DP/DH have to say about it?

I'm really sorry you and your DP are being treated in this unpleasant way - it's doubly shocking in that it sounds like up to now you've spent lots of time with your nephews and nieces.

Normal people aren't like this and I'm so for you that you're being cut off from enjoying time with your young relatives as a result of their mother's nasty narrow-mindedness.

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GetOrfMoiiLand · 28/03/2012 11:55

This is really horrible and I am so sorry that you are devastated. They sound bloody horrible people. Most people are not like this.

I don't know how iit can be resolved - it is so horrible that the children are going to grow up listening to such prejudice and bigotry.

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Crushinghard · 28/03/2012 20:55

That's really awful, glassbar. I'm so sorry the kids' mother is so stupid and is behaving in such an ignorant way.

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Devora · 30/03/2012 13:13

How awful, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid I think the options for what you can do are very limited - given that it would be completely unacceptable for you to cave in to this.

I'm a lesbian mother who likes to live harmoniously with all around, and who doesn't really do frightening the horses. BUT it is not ok, ever, to tell people they have to lie about themselves and who they love in order to be accepted. Neither would it work: does your SIL really think her dc will never cotton on?

Personally I'd be temped to write a letter (because if I did it in person I'd either cry or lose my rag) saying something like:

"I love your children and I would dearly love for us to be able to move forward from this as an amicable extended family. However, you have to understand that it will never be acceptable to me to have to lie about who I am or conceal the truth of my life. That is not a matter of religion and politics, but of basic humanity. I understand that you, as their mother, may want some control over how they learn about the world they live in, and I'm happy to discuss with you how we talk about sexuality and adult relationships. But whether to tell the truth about myself is not up for debate. I'm happy to discuss this further, but I will be sticking to this very important principle". Or something like that.

Is there someone else in the family who has influence and common sense? A grandparent?

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Bossybritches22 · 30/03/2012 21:58

Is this your partners family as you refer to her as the childs mother?

SO difficult for you all and completely for 7 years you have been good enough to babysit, have the kids dumped on you regularly enough for them to have their own room with you & suddenly mother wakes up to the fact you're gay & she objects to you being honest with her kids?

Boy does she need a wake up call. :(

How is she going to explain to the poor birthday girl that Aunty Glass isn't coming with or without Aunty Glass 2 ?