Feeling Weirdly Marginalised

[BlahBlahBlah1980]

Hi All,

I don't know whether I'll be welcome on here, but I figured this is the safest place to test the water, lest things do go awry!

I have 3 dc aged 7-10 and a partner who ultimately identifies as non-gender specific and pansexual (although for work, etc, he does a pretty good impression of a slightly effeminate man). We've been together about two and a half years, and I was in a lesbian relationship before that and identified as gay.

I've always known I was bisexual, but felt much more comfortable defining myself as gay, as it?s so much more acceptable than 'sitting on the fence'. In fact, up until very recently (i.e. the other day), I?ve been defining myself as a very bad lesbian, as that?s far closer to how I feel than to define myself as straight. I love my partner and we?re in a committed, monogamous relationship, but still feel very far from straight. I know I shouldn?t get bogged down in definitions, but it?s an issue for me as I feel I can?t legitimately join in with LGBT activities with a ?male? partner, despite identifying clearly as bisexual.

When we got together, I was shunned by the vast majority of my (rather militant) gay female friends, and the heterophobia I experienced in my late 20s was far more hurtful and upsetting than any of the teenage homophobia I had to deal with (which at the time, obviously felt like the end of the world!). Not least because it was instigated by grown women who 1) should have known better and 2) should know what being discriminated against for one?s sexuality feels like.

So now I feel shunned by gay people and feel railroaded into defining myself as straight because that?s how I look, walking down the street with a guy. I know I?m being hypocritical to feel marginalised by ALL lesbians, when really, it?s just a few mean ones. It just hurts because I feel I have more in common with them than with the majority of straight people I know, and feel kicked out of their gang, just for falling for someone of the 'wrong' gender.

I guess I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced anything remotely similar to what I?m going through? Long shot, I know?but any words of wisdom/perspective-inducing put-downs would be greatly appreciated!

I didn't want your post to go unanswered but can't really add anything-sorry. It's horrible to feel marginalised, whatever the reason.

I have no advice, perspective or wisdom. I have been in a monogamous hetero relationship for 15 years. I am generally happy in it. Even when I had relationships with women in the dim and distant past I didn't identify as gay, I identified as bi and I was comfortable with that but I'm not anymore. In the past if I was dating a woman was in mainly one community and with guy it was mainly another but I didn't date anyone very long and didn't live with anyone before DP. All my friends are straight. I am basically in the closet now because its shit being bi. People either think you are greedy, incapable of monogamy, want threesomes, are out to impress blokes with some sort of pornified girl on girl action, attention seeking, are confused, want a quick grope with a femme etc. You know the score. I also think people will think I took the easy route by picking a bloke and going with it, and it is easier to be straight, no question and I worry that my straight female friends will dump me like a hot potato and psychoanalyse every hug and innocent peck on the cheek that I have ever given them.

I would love to be able to go to gay clubs like I used to and have an involvement in the LGBT community but, like you say you can't turn up and tell people you have been shagging a bloke for the last 15 years.

Sorry to be so unhelpful.

In my opinion Sexuality is a very broad spectrum...and I think we all fall short when we try to define our sexuality in such narrow terms as Gay, Bi-sexual and straight....not every gay person is as gay as the next...same for straight people. Some Bi-sexuals are equally keen on both sexes, with some leaning towards one sex over the other. Equally such terms don't allow space for people like your partner...

What I'm saying is that there are some people out there, who are open minded and don't feel it essential to put people in boxes....

Hope you find some of these people!

Hey, sorry you're having that experience... it can be really shit and there is so much subtle and not-so-subtle marginalisation all the time, from both sides. I was a lesbian for nearly 20 years, and married to a woman, before I suddenly got into guys about 3 years ago. Hit me like a truck. Along with realising how I really didn't 'get' what it's like to be bi, until I had to deal with it. The most accepting community I've found is the bi community - almost everyone there has experiences this stuff and I've been amazed how open and respectful people are of all identities. It's mostly online, sadly (i'm not so into online communities) - but it might help. Try Bi Community News, Bicon, bi.org, just google away and see. I'm a therapist working with LGBT people and come across this struggle a lot - it's not just you.

It's really horrible to feel marginalised as part of what should be a completely accepting community. Although I am gay, I have had people tell me that my 18 month relationship with a man and the fact that in the past I've slept with men means that my gay 'status' isn't worth as much as the 'gold star' lesbians who've never done anything with men. I've also been told that as a very feminine lesbian I'm obviously not 'properly' gay. And that's me identifying as one of the more simplistic sexuality stereotypes.

My best friend is bi, and I can completely sympathise with the things you're going through having seen it first hand with her. All I can say is I hope it get resolved, and that the people in your local community stop having such a blinkered view of the world. Out of everyone, you'd think that LGBT-identifying people would understand that it really isn't a black/white, gay/straight world.

Many cuddles for you!

Lola x

The rainbow families group I go to includes a couple of bi women who are in male/female relationships are there fully accepted so not everyone is so narrow minded if your in Scotland pm me for details of the group.

Hi,
No words of wisdom other than try not to worry about it. Anyone who makes you feel marginalised in any way is not really worth the bother..... I know easy said than done but good luck anyhow.

Sexuality ey - such a controversial subject. But why? I am in a same sex relationship and we both define ourselves as bi-sexual. I find I prefer to tell people that I/we are bi as I hate the assumtion that just because I fell for a woman, that I couldn't fall for a man. For me, I still feel attracted to both men and women and I have to just window shop like any other monogamous couple that chose to stay faithful.

I find that to ones face, most people are accepting of bi relations and beleive that it makes better understanding for those that have not been exposed to gay people before as sometimes the coin drops when you can explain it's the person and that any long time couple know that a couple is basically the same despite of how the genders are made up.

To be shunned by a gay person for not being in a gay relationship anymore is just as ignorant as homophobia...hetrophobia????