I'm not a very regular poster, but there are people who know me in RL on here so needed to name change until I'm ready to come out to everyone.
I'm a single parent in my mid 30s and I've had a lousy relationship history. I was never interested in emotional connection when it came to sex, just the technicalities, in fact I actually avoided getting close to men as I just felt numb towards them so I'd seek out one-night stands. By my mid 20's I'd completely lost interest as the novelty had worn off and I thought I'd wait for someone with whom I could connect, but I seemed to be actively putting off men who I might be able to get close to - things like not answering calls or being horrible to them if neccessary - and I couldn't understand why I was doing it.
I wound up in a couple of very dead relationships in which the man I was with went off sex rapidly yet seemed to want to stay with me until I finished things and I'd soldier on for a year or two trying to 'get it right' thinking that persistence was the best policy. My child was the result of one of these relationships. Throughout this time I never had any sense that I might be anything other than straight; I would have very occasional sexual interest in women but I was definitely far more attracted to men physically (never anything I acted on, not something I fantasised about).
After breaking up with my son's dad I started dating again and started to open up and like men (my dad is very difficult, manipulative, so I'd always assumed them to be all fairly bad, having a son made me question that fundamentally). I must have been on 25 dates and I genuinely had a positive attitude but, just...nothing; tried going to bed with one as I liked him, he liked me and thought there might be some potential but I just found myself in tears.
So there I was, a few weeks ago, chatting with a close friend who I admire a lot; I found myself looking at her body and the love I feel for her as a friend tipped over into something entirely different and it was like someone turning on the light, finally. I feel such a fool for not understanding myself sooner.
I've talked to some people and a couple have said things along the lines of 'You were let down by men/ you couldn't find a good man...' as if wanting to be with a woman were a second choice (that included a helpline volunteer). My mum said 'it's the person, not the gender?' and I am trying to explain that it's the person and their gender. Everybody else has been 'yes, no problem' ( I guess nobody's surprised, people have always had to ask what my orientation is as I don't 'look' straight) and 'you shouldn't try to label yourself, they're only restrictions' when I try to talk about this huge thunderbolt that's just hit my life. The friend in question is in a relationship, so there's nothing going to happen there.
Am I the only one for whom it's been a big surprise? has everyone else just sort of known all along?