Has anyone else struggled with internalised homophobia?

[RandomNewName]

Hi, I'm not actually a mum but have found mumsnetters to be a kind and intelligent bunch, so hope it's okay to ask this here.

I'm a 24 year old woman, I identify as bisexual, so far I've only been in relationships with guys (I'm single right now and will be for a while, for unrelated reasons). I came out to close friends when I was 16, and since then have been out in some friendship groups but not others. This partly because people naturally don't ask if I'm bi, and it's kinda awkward and uncomfortable randomly dropping it into conversation, and partly because I'm scared of people's reactions I guess.

Anyway, I struggle with alot of feelings of shame about being attracted to women- it's less bad than when I was a young teenager, but still there, and I don't know how to make it go away. For example, some deep part of me is still worried that thinking of women in that way is wrong and disgusting, and makes you go to hell. Conciously I know this is entirely ridiculous, I'm not even religious - I don't believe in hell, and if the ibrahimic god does exist then I'm going to hell anyway for not worshipping him! Then I wonder whether the shame I feel is evidence that the right wing bigots are actually right, and homosexuality is wrong.

The whole thing is complicated I think by being bisexual rather than lesbian. I could just slide back into the closet and enjoy straight privilege for the rest of my life - but that would be cowardly and a betrayal. Plus hiding it feels horrible. But on the other hand, you can't just tell every you meet your sexuality for no particular reason...

Plus I worry about whether I'm truly bisexual - on the whole I feel like I'm fairly equally attracted to both genders, but maybe my feelings towards women would be a lot stronger if I wasn't on some level repressing them.

So maybe in the future I should date a women to help figure it out. But then that's ridiculous and horrible too, no women deserves to be treated as a tool to help me figure out the mess in my head. And I'm scared that if I end up in a relationship with a lesbian, then at some point I might not be able to deal with either external or internal homophobia and I'll run away and hurt her. And if I date a bisexual woman, I'm scared she'll do the same to me. Gah! It's so stupid.

This post is looking long enough for now. Please if you have time, give me advice, or tell me your own experiences, it would mean a lot to me.

I am straight, so no experience. But I would say that if you enter a relationship by looking at it as if it were an experiment then it is pretty certain to fail. Anyone put under a microscope will not look good as all the fun and fluffy feelings are lost to nit-picking analysis. Try to go with the flow. Meet someone you like and take it from there. You don't have to lay all your cards on the table early on unless the person you meet announces they are looking for a life partner (unlikely). Surely there are tons of people out there struggling to get to grips with who they are.

bigpigeon is right don't worry aboout the details, get out & about and have some fun then what will be will be.

There is a lot being written at the moment about sexual fluidity and how some women have partners of either sex for long periods of time and then switch to the other. Now does this mean they have just fallen in love with THAT particular person at THAT particular time, regardless of sex or are they really not bi?

Who knows and to a certain extent who cares. Be good to yourself and those around you, you are not a sinner, being YOU whatever label you choose for yourself is the important thing, and be happy.

Someone I knew died today at 44, but she'd had the love of a good man for some years. Life is too short to waste trying to put yourself into a category!

I think you should go out and spend lots more time hanging out with/dating lesbians and I'd bet you any money you'd soon get much more comfortable with the notion! And I'd also be prepared to bet there's lots of truth to your comment that you might be more attracted to women if you weren't suppressing feelings. I was v late coming out, and until I did, I thought I thought the idea of going with a woman was disgusting. Turns out it's lovely!

Thanks for the replies everyone, that's reassuring. I've joined a lgbt chat room and have bought some lgbt films and books... baby steps!

RandomNewName, if you're still around, can you mention what books and films, and whether they were helpful?

I'm bi (calling myself anything else is wrong), married. Most people I know just assume that I'm straight and I am cowardly enough to-- let them.

There isn't any point in "getting over" how freaked out/dirty I feel when I think about my attraction to women. But I'd still like to; I tend to worry about it at times of stress like I need anything else on my plate, and it's part of my self view to fancy women even if the attraction never ever goes any further because of the man I've married. Why couldn't I have picked one who did threesomes?.

er, that's a long winded way of saying: yes, I feel this too!

PS- anyone have any experience with Gay Affirmation Therapy? Would it work on bisexuals, or is it inappropriate? would I be mercilessly mocked for asking about it because I haven't chosen a gender to fancy

Had the same question and after several years of marriage repressing those feelings, they seem to have taken over my life. Doing therapy at the moment, and I am starting to be able to accept who I am. Therapy helps and would recommend Person-Centred counselling. Just to conclude: pushing your feelings aside or ignoring them won't make them go away...

No, they just pop up in terrifying ways :o (I'm a bit worried that if I push these and other feelings aside again, I might not survive when they inevitably resurface)

Thank you for your reccomendation.