Any Late Bloomers out there?

[Bossybritches22]

Just wondering if there are any other women on MN who have come out of the closet in later life, with all it's particular challenges?

Thanks dancing. I'm sorry to you other ladies feeling the same but it does help to hear in not the only one.

To be honest I don't know what to think at the moment. I've managed the way I am for 8 years. I do love my dh and we are happy most of the time. I do constantly worth that I don't fancy sex and although I have enjoyed it I think I enjoy it more if I've had a few drinks. It's quite rare I would feel 'randy' and want/initiate sex sober. I tend to go so long and then try and talk myself in to the right mindset as I out pressure on myself that it's been too long and even though dh doesn't pressure me at all I know he'd like to more often.

A lot of the time I feel as though I'd be happy with a sexless marriage but how can I make dh do that when he's in this marriage too? It's not fair on him he's a really good man and deserves better but is totally besotted with me. I love his personality, sense of humour, we are so so similar and have loads in common. He is that father of my children. I don't ever want to hurt him.

It pains me even more to think of hurting my children.

As I say, I've managed so far to ignore that side of me. It's really just the sexual part I miss although it's a but of assistant memory now but I remember I did feel so comfortable with it.

I feels like things won't change. It would cause too much heartache all round. To admit any of this to dh and change our lives now would mean I'd (unintentionally) wasted 8 years of his life.

The things that bother me are the feelings of mild depression I drift in and out of. I get a feeling of being trapped, a feeling of not being myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm just acting out a role within my life but I don't really belong here, does anyone else get that?

Sorry, phone keeps auto correctin me!
Constantly worry
Put pressure on myself
of a distant memory

We get you Needto damn autocorrects!!

Oh yes I get that trapped feeling, being on the outside looking in kind of thing?

I can't offer you any advice really, but keep talking if it helps.

Did you say you are pg with DC3? That must be so hard.

Yeah I am pg with dc 3. It was planned and I am happy about it. It does make the 'trapped' feeling a bit more noticeable though..

I always imagined having 3 dc. God I'm such a fuck up. Tbh I have managed to block out the gay thoughts for quite some time now and convinced myself that the relationships with women were just a teenage/ early twenties phase.

It's just recently a few things have made it cross my mind and I suddenly realised it's maybe not disappeared but laid dormant iyswim.

One thing that set me off was watching 'my transsexual summer'. They all seemed so happy to finally be themselves and seemed so comfortable in their own skins. I also found one of the women (who actually wanted to be a man) attractive and it got me thinking.

I know I'm just babbling really. It does help to talk. Can't talk to anyone about this really.

dancing, at gingerbeer, but i might actually try gingerbread, for some reason didn't think about it, but i need to be brave!

Needto, understand about how the trapped feeling must feel worse right now, you poor love Glad it helps to talk but just wish there were solutions.....

My situations weird, as a year or just over ago i found out my dd was in a relationship with a girl, that was a surprise. Now look at me, my feelings that i think were hidden for years have all come out!!!! I shock myself sometimes!!

I am totally at ease with my dd and her girlfriend, infact i love the girlfriend to bits i think i have realised through that how different a relationship with two girls is to a woman/man relationship. And in my opinion there is no comparison!!!

Hi there.
I'm a child of gay mum.
My parents stayed together until I was 16.
Since I was little my father says he knew about my mums sexuality & from when I was about 11y/o he had a lover.
They say they stayed together for the sake of the family unit.

In one way this was good for us to have both parents looking after us& have a 'usual looking' family unit.

On the other side, children are VERY perceptive.
We (my SIS & I) knew things 'weren't quite right' & something & we were different, but didn't know what it was. It was difficult for us to not be able to put our finger on why things felt wrong.
Plus, for our parents, the stress of the 'image' of our family unit was very hard for them, which in turn was horrid for us.

They did what they felt was best, with the best intentions, but living a lie took its toll on all of us.

After the shock of the split, coming out etc....everyone's lives have improved considerably.

I'm not trying to say that one way/thing is better than another...its just my story for you to take what you can from it x

Pix

hi Pix-
Thanks for posting this, it's very helpful. One of my doubts & biggest guilt trips was the impact of not being a traditional straight family as that's what my DD's had been brought up with, and both me & my DH.

It was hard to say the least but from the outset I was honest with them & hurtful thought it was they could see why we couldn't stay married (they were older than you were when your parents "parted") but I can see why your parents did what they did.

I often wonder how we would have fared if we'd done the same but it would have been a strain & basically dishonest & that wasn't fair on either party.

I'm glad you are all happier now & I hope your relationship with your parents & new partners has flourished /continues to improve.

Thank you for sharing!

Hi bb2.
Thnx for yr response.
I like to imagine that most people do what they think is best.

I often wonder what things would have been like if my parents had split much earlier & I'd grown up in a 'non-traditional' family? Would things have really been any better???? It was in 70's & small village life, so I'm not sure...
Now adays I think the family structure & life is so different, I hope people in these situations have more info& support.& courage to live how they want not how they think they should x
My situation happened ages & ages ago & our family relations are fine now.

Actually, a final twist to my story is:
after years of having straight relationships, I also realised I am gay (@35). I am now married to my dp & expecting our first child. So s/he will grow up in a non traditional family unit with two mums!

Anyway, I dont want to highjack this post with another gay couple having kids as I know its for support for straight married women who are/think they may be gay.

I just wanted to share my story in case it could help anyone.

All the best.

Pix
x

pixie, really good to read your posts. Even better to find out that everything has worked out so well for you

Oh and you DID mean gingerbeer, dancing:)

Congratulations Pix, don't apologise for hijacking it's good to hear different stories of peoples lives, & how they turn out.

Hope all goes well with your DC & partner!

Thnx ok & bb2.
Glad that my story could be helpful x
Good luck to everyone who posted on here x I was touched by the stories x

Thanks for posting Pixie, it's definitely good to read your story, I've always had in my head that I will wait until my baby is older but I'm frightened that whatever I do it will have some sort of affect on them. I guess I feel that if I carry on the way I am I'll be doing what is best for the most important people in my life.
The problem is BB22 they wouldn't forgive or even try to understand me in time, hence why I can't say anything. I had planned to move away from everyone and that's when I found out I was pregnant!! Seems like life has a bigger plan for me I just wish I had an idea what that plan was.

My mum came out 8 years or so ago, when I was at university. There was a lot of angst at first, not least because she moved her new partner into the marital home with my dad (separate bedrooms) for financial reasons for 6 months.

8 years on my dad has remarried but still has a lot of anger there I think, which has definitely affected my relationship with him. It must have been hard for him as they had been married for almost 30 years, but he was happy to sit in a miserable relationship and she wasn't. My brother found it the hardest as he had just left for university and he ended up dropping out (he is happy now though).

However my children love having three sets of grandparents and we see my mum's partner as a key part of the family. She is much more maternal than my mother so has helped with both DC when they were very little and came to our wedding the year after the split and was actually at the home birth of DS (along with my mother). DD happily goes and stays with them regularly and when DM's partner became a grandmother herself we passed on all our baby stuff and see the baby regularly as a 'cousin' of our DC. My mum is so much happier than she was when she was with my dad and thats a big relief for me as her child, she has a very nice life with a very supportive partner and thats all I want for her really. Even my PIL who are very 'traditional' have accepted it as normal, I suppose because we all treat it as normal. DH is a bit at having three mother-in-laws though!

Awww matronalia -thanks for posting this it's good to hear from children of people like me who have left long standing marriages.

It must have been so difficult for your Dad at first ,(well all of you) I can understand that, don't think my Ex would/could have accepted it all under one roof, as it was there was no other person involved.

Are things a little easier with him now he's re-married, does he speak to your mum at all?

Thats the only criticism I have of my mum really, my dad really really struggled with it.

His wife now is much more 'his type' in terms of interests but she doesn't have children and has some really odd ideas that he indulged - so combined with his bitterness about my mother it has pushed us apart. He stopped with the direct criticism of my mother about four years ago on my request as he was just complaining all the time and it was making me really uncomfortable, but he really resents the fact that he had to 'pay her off'. They stayed together for ten years when they really would have been better off divorcing (lots of screaming rows and tension) because they thought it was best and my dad was focused on paying off the mortgage.

He doesn't speak to my mum at all, not since the actual divorce went through, not even when his mum died. Although to give him his dues he attended my wedding alone even though my mum and her partner were there.

It doesn't really bother me that I am not close to my father, he and I had a very strained relationship even before this and his wife has just consolidated the matter.

Sorry, I didn't mean to criticise your Mum, she did what she had to at the time I s'pose. We all do things at that time that with hindsight were possibly not the best thing!

I'm glad your Dad has found someone for him although it is sad he has, as a result, estranged himself from you & the DC's.

I smiled at your poor DH & the 3 MIL's!!

Its Ok, I think what she did was wrong, but thats all I think she did wrong. In retrospect she should have just moved out, it was such a thoughtlessly cruel thing to do, but I don't think she was really thinking clearly. It seemed much worse at the time but since then it has been somewhat eclipsed by the behaviour of my dad's new wife!

DH gets on extremely well with my mum and her partner, he quite happily visits them without me and they organised a small surprise party for me last weekend together. He just likes the look on people's faces when he tells them he has three mother-in-laws - when you take into account his mother and me and our DD he is rather outnumbered by women!

I forgot to mention that I have never had a negative comment from anyone about my mum's relationship. DD chatters for England to everybody and she has never had a negative comment from school friends/other parents/teachers/TAs about her four grandmas (other than envy that she gets another set of presents!)

That's so heartening to hear - gives me hope for the future with my DD's if I ever find a partner (too busy right now!! )

I guess if your DD is happy & relaxed about it then everyone else will be too & it helps to bring about acceptance, hopefully. Your DD's, like mine, will be of a generation that is much more accepting of same sex realtionships I hope!

Matronalia, lovely to hear that, in the most part, it has all worked out wonderfully A lovely post to read

I need to realise that i won't be able to move forward myself until i actually socialise abit!!! Socialise away from the usual set of people/places i go to because i stick to what i do i won't ever find true happiness i don't think.

Thanks for posting Matronalia reading your story makes me happy that everyone has been able to move on and build a new life. I too laughed at your DH having 3 MIL's. Us women are not that bad though, are we? It's fantastic that you haven't received any negative comments. That is a fear of mine, I worry about what people will think of me. BB22 make time to find someone!! It must be so nice to have that magical feeling of not knowing when or when it is going to happen! It's like being a teenager all over again!! You too OSNW get a-searching I want to hear about all the lovely people you meet and all the funny dates.

ABD Making time for me is never one of my srong points!

Also I live out in the sticks so meeting ANYONE as a divorcee let alone gay is impossible. I've tried online dating & met some lovely ladies, but they all seem very needy (sounds harsh sorry) & I really can't commit to a FT relationship at the moment so it wouldn't be fair.

Still got some mental stumbling blocks of my own to get over too, which I'm working on. Having been part of a married straight relationship for nearly 18 years I'm finding the mindshift very hard,although it feels entirely right for me personally. I feel odd one out in our very conservative community although there are other gays here (I'm one of 4 in the village!!!) But I'm getting there, I don't hide away anymore & I'm not ashamed of who I am.

Who knows what the new year will bring eh?!

Woah, this thread is old now but when searching through my usernames I realised I posted here when I was having doubts (needtotellsomeone)

Things have moved on, been seeing a counsellor for a while and my DH knows I'm trying to work out if I'm gay. I feel I am although am struggling to accept it.

Anyone still around? How are things going?

me!

I came out 2 years go, DH left in June AMD we reworking really hard to be friends. its so hard. the grief for the life ive lost the life the boys have lost, the hurt caused. the continued thinking thatnone of this pain is worth it, that being honest about myself is so low down on the list of important stuff. then the woman the blew my socks off led toarelstionship that crumbled under the pressure of my need to maintain a friendship with DH for the boys sake.

So sorry things have been hard tropical..

In a way though, you've come so so far and are so much closer to living life and your whole, true self.

I totally get the grieving the life you thought you'd have. I am experiencing that already.. It's really hard.