Splitting up

[LifeIsBetterInABumbo]

How would you handle it? XP and myself have recently split up. Just now she's very angry at me as it was me that made the decision to end it despite the fact both of us have been unhappy for some time. I was the one who wanted to have a baby and she went along with it rather than loose me. We have split up because she was contributing nothing to our life working all the time but still unable to pay a fairer share of bills etc and our relationship had basically fizzled out as well. When I told her she got very angry to the point I felt threatened she threatened to take DD. Now she wants to see DD everyday and gets very angry when she cant even though when she lived here she wasnt seeing her everyday due to long work hours. What should I do about access and trying to keep things civil?

I would allow as much access as she wants. Even though she wasn't keen at the start I presume she now sees herself as DD's parent?

Life is tough with a young baby - it is a major flashpoint for divorce (first 2yrs of baby's life). From what you've said, the problems were nothing out of the ordinary - are you totally sure there is no going back?

The bit that worries me is that she has threatened to take DD and even though dd is nearly 6 months due to her hectic work she's never been on her own with her.

No after what was said definitely no going back, we've been close to ending it three times in the past year, so I'm certain it's now to far gone.

It's DD that needs to remain at the centre of this. Is your ex on the birth certificate and is it in DD's best interest to have contact? Although she may not have spent much time with DD alone, DD still has a relationship with her and she may be distressed if your ex is no longer around, she won't understand.

As hard as it is just try to think of the situation from DD's viewpoint.

Good luck

No she's not on birth cert, DD doesnt really know who XP is as she has been working 16 hour days since she was a month old so DD has spent more time with some of my friends, DD doesn't seem to have noticed anything. I am happy for her to have contact but don't trust her as she previously threatened to take DD.

Maybe supervised contact would be a way forward until she has proved that she is not going to act on her threat? Are there any family members or friends who would supervise her seeing DD?

Also was she working 16 hours a day out of her own choice or because she was trying to support you all as a family? Just playing devil's advocate.

As non bio mum to my little girl, it would break my heart if my wife and I split and I couldn't see my daughter every day.

I hope you find a resolution

I think you may have been too hard on your XP. Having a baby is very difficult and people react in different ways. You said yourself that it was your idea to have the child and she went a long with it to keep you happy. She may have found it very difficult to bond with the child, as well as deal with the fact that she no longer came first in your life and therefore spent more time at work. Your child is still only 6 months old, which is still very young. It's often easier for the other parent to bond with the child when the child gets a little older and starts developing a personality of their own (even biological parents have this problem sometimes).

If you want her to bond with the child you have to let her spend time with the child on her own. However if you decided to cut all ties with her (which would be very harsh) she has no legal or parental rights as she in not on the child's birth certificate.

All sympathies on your break-up. The early months after having a baby are very, very tough (I wouldn't go back there for all the tea in China). It must have been very difficult for you to cope with a newborn with so little involvement or support from your dp.

However, I am going to challenge you a bit now. You did start this baby together, and it sounds to me as though you are now trying to rescind her status as parent. Is that right? She is not a biological or a legal parent, maybe, but since when did lesbian mothers accept heteronormative definitions of parenting? Forgive me if I have misunderstood you, but if any part of you is tempted to cut her out of your child's life - please don't.

It sounds as though your child is already becoming a pawn between you, and you're both going to have to take a deep breath and find the generosity and maturity to put her needs first. If conversations feel too fraught, write to her, be clear that you will be as co-operative as possible with access, and you just need to agree a routine that will work for you all. If necessary, consider mediation with a trusted third party.

Best of luck.

Hi, so sorry to hear of your problems! I have to say I agree with what ReneeVivien has said, you need to think about the baby as well as your self and if things can stay civil and on the level then you will all get through it a lot easier. It is a hard time for you all even if you know it is te right thing for you. Take care xx