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i'm such an idiot

4 replies

twattymcclosetliver · 18/07/2011 19:19

ok, hope you don't mind me posting this here. i need advice and i know and trust mn, i've looked at gay forums but they seem to be full of young 'uns and frankly they're strangers!

i've namechanged for now, i may be recognisable but at least i won't be searchable and obvious to anyone who might like to have gossip on me.

i'm in my mid thirties and am ashamed to say that i think it has taken me this long to realise that i'm a lesbian. i think part of the muddle that is clearing now is that i mixed up sexuality with orientation so because i wasn't desperate to go out and shag women i thought well i'm obviously not gay really or i would be.

thing is the older i've gotten the more clear it has become that i don't want to be with a man, can't ever envisage parenting or living with one and if i'm really honest and daydream my ideal future it isn't me single forever it is me with a woman, parenting with a woman, living with a woman, sharing my life with a woman and sharing love and affection with a woman.

i've realised i'm not some freak who is just happier single or 'can't do' relationships i just don't want to be with a man.

what brought it into sharper focus was that i decided i really wanted to have another child and knew i couldn't do it with a man and that finding someone to have a child with just wasn't an option, it was donor and AI or nothing. that made me think well why is that not even an option? and i began to put the pieces together.

i did get off with a few women in my younger years but never had a proper relationship with a female partner. then i moved away from uni, away from big cities and mixed groups of friends and then was just never in contact with lesbians anymore. i also wanted to have children and i think that helped me to squish down any doubts and feelings i had too. now i have a child and have found a compatible donor for having another (just monitoring my cycle and making sure i'm sure for now) that reality is removed.

but what on earth do i do now? i'm in my mid thirties and am a single mother. should i just ignore it having managed to ignore for this long? i feel... stupid for one thing that i have probably ignored who i am for decades when maybe my life could have been so much easier and maybe happier but then again if i've ignored it this long maybe it's easier to leave it? Blush cowardly shite i know.

but i don't know what to do. i'm not 20 and about to go out to gay clubs on the pull. i might as well be a virgin again if i go down this route to all intents and purposes. how do you meet people and work this stuff out?

i'm sorry. big blab of stupidity. any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
twattymcclosetliver · 18/07/2011 19:23

ok another dumb thing - but realistically i have nothing to offer a woman do i? i am 35, a single mum, clearly likely to be shite in bed and clumsy and ridiculous at navigating my way through a relationship and full of issues to work through about being gay.

i think a relationship is probably the last thing i need, i probably just need a supportive environment in which to get my head around things.

OP posts:
hester · 20/07/2011 22:19

Ok you, first off is to stop putting yourself down! There are loads and LOADS of women who come out in their 30s and beyond - you are not unusual and you are not stupid. You should also know that one of the rather delightful things about lesbianism is that there is far less youth mania than in the gay male community, or the heterosexual community for that matter. In fact, I'm remembering with misty eyes one of my first big affairs - with a 36 year old single mother who, I promise you, EVERYBODY wanted to shag! And yes, you probably will be shite in bed the first time or two - everybody is, aren't they? - but you'll pick it up quick enough Wink

I think you're quite right that you shouldn't go charging in looking for a relationship. You need some lesbian friends, an entry point into the lesbian community, and some time and space to work things out at your own pace. I don't know where you live, but there are plenty of lesbian social groups that are not focused on nightlife: you could also join a lesbian mothers group.

I'm really happy to talk through any of this further - either on this thread or feel free to PM me if you like. And best of luck: I'm sure you'll find the right way forward for you Smile

bananamam · 21/07/2011 13:59

Where roughly are you based? There are a groups out there. Gosh you are not old at all for coming out. Most of the women I dated when I was younger were mid to late thirties!

singarainbow · 02/08/2011 00:01

I fell in love with a 36 year old when I was a young 21 year old dyke......16 years and 3 kids later Wink

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