Just looking for some guidance/advice please

[confuzzlement]

Firstly, I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to be asking for such help. I've been on mumsnet for sometime and have changed my name, not through embarrassment or anything, but because I am in dire straits over my life, and so confused that I don't even know who I am.

I've always classed myself as straight, possibly slightly bendy during uni years, and experimented as many people do. But, I've always 'felt' different. Always looked at girls different, imagined myself being with girls, finding them more attractive etc. Always put this down to just being a bit different.

That said, the first kiss I ever had was with a girl when I was 12 years old, I've been with a fair few other girls too, but normally just kissing. I've always been amazingly curious of the female form and during uni I had full on sex with a girl who I knew through a mutual friend, and it blew my mind.

I recently met up with this girl who I went with at uni and it was pure electric. Like nothing else I have felt in a long, long time. I felt so comfortable with her and her with me, we spent the whole weekend together and it was amazing. I didn't care that I am a carrying a few extra lbs, or my hair was a mess, I didn't feel like I had to be someone else, I could just be me and I didn't feel judged by her. She made me feel normal.

I warm up when she texts me, I can't wait to speak to her. It's like I'm 15 again and just finding my dating feet. The sort of feeling I have always associated with new hetero relationships. I'm a lost cause, I don't know where my head is now.

The problem I have, as I do seriously want to take it further with her, are my parents. I'm 31 and currently reside with my parents and my dd who is now 3 (temporary I hasten to add). They are raging homophobics and make such dire comments that make me cringe on the inside.They refer to gay people as 'them' and have been known to leave the room when there is a gay kiss on tv, it makes me cringe so much.They are so overly critical of everything and everyone that is out of there 'norm' loop, they can't see the woods for the trees. I'm going to see girl again in a few weeks and we're going out on a 'date', I'm over the moon about it, and can't actually wait, but I know my parents will go brainstakingly bonkers if I even said I'd been to stay at my gay friends house. I know they will kick me out, I know they will call me selfish for bringing my child into an 'abnormal' lifestyle that is solely to do with my happiness and not hers.

What to do? I know it's early days and I don't need to step out of the closet all singing and all dancing, and I need to be 100% sure, even though deep down I know in my gut this is the real me.

But any advice, experiences, anything would be so greatly appreciated as I really am in quite a picalilli over things now.

Thanks,

x

Hello,

all I can say is, do not tie yourself in knots worrying about what your parents might or might not say about your sexuality! One step at a time.

It makes things tricky that you're currently living with them, but you're an adult and entitled to a private life. Take things slowly with your girlfriend, and don't feel that you've got to jump into a box labelled "Gay", i believe that there are many shades of sexuality - the love of your life might be a woman but you might not ever feel "100% gay", if that makes sense. I heard a psychiatrist talking about lesbianism on the radio recently, and she said she felt the majority of women had it in them to love - in a sexual way - another woman, they just had to "meet their Vita" as she put it.

Regards your dd, I'm sure your parents will realise that you will always do your very best for her. Children need to feel loved and cherished and many are raised very successfully in slighty "alternative" families - there are several gay parenting sites that you might find useful - Gingerbread is one I can think of.

Anyhoo, best of luck and enjoy your date . Am v - just found out the object of my affection is straight. D'oh.....

You say you are only staying with them temporarily, do you need to tell them right away. It sounds as though you are basking in the glow of a wonderful new relationship, which is the most amazing feeling and sadly doesn't always last forever. Give yourself a break and enjoy it, I'm sure you are still caring appropriately for your daughter and nothing else matters :)

Be happy xx

Thank you for your responses. Appreciated!

You're right though I do not want to label myself, I just find it difficult lying to my parents and I have to as they want to know where I am, when, what for etc. You wouldn't believe I was an adult at times. I don't have any sort of private life and even have to sleep with the door open (they open it if it's shut) so I can hear my dd (I have a monitor too!).

I wish I could be happy, I suppose I do feel relieved and happy to some extent as since I remember I've always had issues with this. I got teased to high heaven at university as I had very short hair and now I think about that I wish I'd just gone with it then and saved myself all this time!

Thanks anyway....nice to hear from people who don't judge me for who I am.

x

Hi just wondered how things are going now? Hope you are happy and working things out?