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LGBT parents

This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

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Original poster

What hasn't she thought about?

15 replies

camdancer · 20/04/2011 14:34

I'm going to start this by apologising for the mistakes I'm going to make in this. I don't know all the correct terminology and I don't mean to offend with my ignorance.

My sister and her partner (female) have decided to start thinking about having a child. They have decided that my sister is going to try to get pregnant using her egg. They have a while to work out exactly how things are going to work in practice, but what should they think about that isn't completely obvious?

They want to use a friend's sperm. They want to have a civil partnership before the baby is born. They are going to move in together before all this happens. But what are the things that they haven't thought about? What do you wish you'd discussed, decided or even just thought about before you had a child as a single sex couple? Legally, financially, emotionally? Are there forums where they could get good information?

I just want to be able to help. TIA

OP posts:

drivingmisscrazy · 20/04/2011 22:35

Hi camdancer - no need to apologise! The thing that sticks out a mile from your post is the need for them to agree with their donor what kind of arrangement they want with him (e.g. no contact, limited contact, etc). even if they have a civil partnership if they use a known donor (as opposed to a clinic) your sister's partner will not have automatic guardianship. Others will be better placed to give advice on that. These arrangements are great when they work well, but my god, they do take a lot of work...

DP and I have a 2 year old, and a known donor, who sees her every couple of months; our legal situation is a bit uncertain, but wouldn't be if we lived in the UK. We hadn't really reckoned on his extended family (well, parents and brother) being involved, but whilst it's been hard, it's ok.

Original poster

camdancer · 21/04/2011 03:55

Thanks for that. I'm finding juggling my and my partners families hard enough without adding another family into the mix! It is defnitely something to discuss at least.

OP posts:

drivingmisscrazy · 21/04/2011 10:57

well yes, there is that! but you also have to think about the perspective of any resulting child and how s/he will feel about this. Do you DSis and her DP know what they're about, technically speaking? She will need to start by charting her cycle so that she knows when she ovulates - fertility friend is a very useful tracking tool (online), as timing will be critical. What works for one person won't for another, so ideally she'd want to inseminate more than once before ovulation...the plan is to have the swimmers in and waiting when the egg is actually laid :o

drivingmisscrazy · 21/04/2011 10:58

ps feel free to message me if you want to talk in more detail..

icd · 22/04/2011 11:27

If they have their CP before the baby is conceived then the partner can be on the birth certificate as "parent", assuming that conception happened without intercourse (not sure how anyone can check this though!). If they conceive in a clinic and all the necessary papers are signed beforehand, then you don't need to be CPd to both be on the birth certificate.

However, I note that you write "They are going to move in together before all this happens."... I should hope so! My advise would be to move in together, build a life, enjoy each other for a few years and then consider kids ;-)

drivingmisscrazy · 22/04/2011 15:43

icd is that true even with a known donor? I thought that a known donor had to agree to waive parental responsibility...but I'm not in the UK, so not up to speed, probably

Original poster

camdancer · 22/04/2011 20:08

I agree with you icd. I have suggested they wait a while firstly to get to know each other better, but also just to have some fun childfree time before life is never the same again. Thanks for the info about CP and birth certificates. I was hoping that CP would make life a little bit easier - especially for the partner who isn't biologically related to the baby.

driving, the one part of this process that I can help with is charting. I've already passed on my copy of TCOYF.

OP posts:

icd · 23/04/2011 07:32

Drivngmisscrazy: yes I am sure: the law in the uk changed a year ago.

wrighty2010 · 23/04/2011 12:24

Hi Camdancer, You might be interested in a website I used when I looked for a sperm donor, its called Pride Angel. There is lots of information on the whole process and a forum for people in the same position. There is also a legal section so all your questions can be answered by an expert. there is a lot to consider and it isnt your typical strting a family situation however that being said there are lots of people in your sisters position. Remeber, families come in all shapes and sizes these days the important hing is that both the parents and child are protected and a little bit of love goes a long way! (the link is www.prideangel.com) Take a look it may help to put your mind at rest whilst also giving your sister a hand too. Best wishes Dawn xx

Original poster

camdancer · 23/04/2011 12:27

Thanks for that Dawn. I'll pass the address on and have a good look myself. I know the love bit will come very naturally to both DSis and her DP. The legal stuff is more complex I think.

OP posts:

icd · 23/04/2011 15:01

Also worth checking out the Rainbow Families section of the Gingerbeer forum (they probably already know this) and the Gay and Lesbian section of Fertilityfriends forum.

drivingmisscrazy · 23/04/2011 17:06

lucky uk! alas, does not apply to us (not in UK)

pixie100 · 26/04/2011 11:00

i've just read your post...

check website STONEWALL -

www.stonewall.org.uk/at_home/parenting/default.asp

they have lots & lots of helpful advise -

I'm sure that if partners are in CP BEFORE conception (& conception is AF), then non-bio mum has parental rights/responsibilities & can be named on birth cert.

It's also adviseable to have a contract with the known donor - just so you all know what's wanted & expected - although it's not legally binding, it does help to sort out issues & is a good process to go through to talk about the more difficult questions you/they may not want to ask. it's also a good tool to have for future if anyone chages their minds or tries something the other parties are not happy with - you can refer to the origianl contract etc...

(i'm speaking/typing from personal experiece). pm me if you want more info...

good luck

Original poster

camdancer · 26/04/2011 14:16

Thanks for that pixie. Will pass it on.

I've passed all the info on and DSis and her DP say a big thank you. They are really just in the beginning stages of it all so any info is a big help

OP posts:

PeachMelba78 · 05/05/2011 16:12

If you are in a CP before conception then both Mums can be on the birth certificate.
It took us 2 hours and numerous calls to Edinburgh by the woman dealing with us and her superior, plus us explaining that no he was not an IVF baby, and that yes, the law had been this way since 2008, but finally we got both our names on the birth certificate! I'm guessing we were the first in Glasgow?

I would always advocate a CP before conception, just for the right to be on the birth certificate. But truly, living together, getting married and then trying for a baby would be the logical way, no?

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