Talking to the school - any tips?

[hester]

The Time has come, as of course I knew it would. dd(5) is in Reception, and enjoying school, but is beginning to have to handle lots of questioning about her family set-up (two mums, one involved dad, sibling of a different ethnic origin). She is a bottler-upper, and I'm struggling to get a full sense of what is going on and how she feels about it, but she seems a bit overwhelmed and not confident at handling it.

The school is a really good school, but very big, efficient, very middle-class and homogenous (NOT a big variety of family types in her class - only one child from a single parent family). Her teacher is very professional and lovely with the children, but very boundaried with the parents - bit of a 'I'm the expert and I know what I'm doing, thank you' rather than an attitude of partnership. It is a school overloaded with high-achieving helicopter parents so I'm quite sympathetic to where it's coming from, but it makes me a bit nervous about approaching her.

I raised the subject when my dd started school, and was told quite briskly (but not unpleasantly) that it wasn't usually an issue in Reception, and of course they coudln't control everything in the playground, but would of course be promoting the welfare of every child in the classroom.

I think the teacher needs to be aware that this is now an issue. I don't want her to make a big deal of it, but I'd like her to be aware of opportunities for gently affirming my dd - e.g. in discussions on families, just adding in something on different types of families. But I'm worried she won't take it well. I've thought of giving her the Stonewall leaflet for teachers in primary schools, but again am a bit concerned I'll be seen as a pushy single issue parent.

Would really welcome advice from others who have been there and done that. Or indeed anyone else.

I agree that the teacher should be aware that this is an issue.

Coming at it from the perspective of a child with parents of both sexes - I had not really realised quite how much my children had taken on the idea that all family units have a male and a female in them. When 2 gay friends came to stay my dcs (then aged about 4 and 5) were quite surprised at the relationship. I would say (probably like many of the parents in your childs class) we are fairly liberal and open minded people, but this had just never come up so we had never addressed the dcs' preconceptions. Therefore, whilst I agree with the teacher that small children do not have the prejudices and biggotry of adults, they do have many preconceptions about how the world works and it can be difficult to shake them.

With that in mind, there are books aimed at very young children which teach about different kinds of relationships in story fashion. I can't remember now what their titles are. But I think they would be a great idea.

hester - watching this with interest, as I'm sure this will be the case for us a few years down the line - we live in Ireland, and populations (esp middle class ones) tend to be homogeneous here too - again, like goosey says, not bigoted at all, just haven't encountered too many non-traditional families. What I think will help us (we too - I think - have a bottler-upper) is focussing on trying to create a peer group for her outside of school. Fortunately, we live on a very community-minded street with lots of kids, so all the parents with young children (many of whom are at the school DD will attend) already know us (and her). Even if this isn't possible for you, has DD made any friends that she could visit/have to play. I'm afraid that you are going to have to do some of the running for her in terms of getting to know other parents, coming out to them and letting them know that your family life is just as knackering pretty much the same as theirs.

With the teacher, I think you need to insist - you can't let her brush this under the carpet. I'd just chat to her first - and ask her how she proposes to handle this. Was Mother's Day a flashpoint?

We're lucky again that the woman who looks after DD at nursery has a gay mum herself, so is pretty good about dealing with this - without overdoing it, which you don't want either. Let us know how it goes :)

Thanks both. I should be clear that my dd has not encountered homophobia as such - the children are just asking lots of questions, perfectly naturally. We are very out in our community, and the other parents are generally liberal and tolerant (or, if they're not, they know better than to say so to our faces!). It's more that dd is finding the questioning, and the sudden awareness of her difference, hard to handle - despite the fact that at home we have always talked about family diversity, read her the books etc. And I'm really aware that how we handle it at this stage may make all the difference to her confidence and therefore to the possible development of homophobic bullying later.

Part of the problem is that this ISN'T homophobia, so it's harder to catch IYSWIM. If dd was being bullied, I'm sure her teacher would see the importance of acting and she'd know what to do. And the parents would be horrified and would do something too. But I'm asking for something else: a thoughtfulness about how this feels for dd, and a commitment to pro-actively helping her to navigate her way through it.

yes, I do see what you mean - it's not the fact of being different that's the problem - that makes it harder to handle at one level. Will have to go and have a think about this...You certainly didn't suggest there was homophobia in play - and my response was intended to find ways to support the process of DD realising her difference...at 2.2 ours is not really at all aware of this yet. good luck!

I spoke too soon! Some rather nasty teasing has broken out, and dd is very upset.

Hard hat on, I'm going in...

hi hester just thought I'd add my twopennorth here too! I think you defintely need to talk to the teahcer - if she is a bit "I know better than you" then play to that... "DD is starting to get teased about having two mothers and I'd like your advice on how to handle it" kinda thing.

Have you also considered a kind of role play with DD - getting her to practice answering questions and what kind of questions might come up. I don;t just mean talking about it but actually getting her to articulate it. I've done this with DS about what to say when people ask where his Daddy is and we have praticed different answers at differnt ages, He used to say "we don't have a Daddy in our family" but now he says "My daddy lives in Kazakhstan and I don;t see him". They are the answers he is happy giving and I allow him to say what he feels comfortable with provided it isn't an outright lie!

Good luck - let us know how you get on.

oh dear - poor you - and her. I hope that you are getting good support from the school and that it resolves soon.

Thanks so much, everyone. Kew, that's a really good idea. i did something similar with dd when she decided she'd had enough of being shy and wanted to make friends - but didn't know how. It really worked. So I'm getting to let her get a bit rested over Easter and have some conversations about it. I'm also going to look for ways to get to know some other children her age with lesbian mums.

I've got an appointment to see the teacher tomorrow. I was very tempted to ring the mother of the culprit (I'm quite friendly with her; we've had tea at her house) but have been warned off this and I suppose it's better to talk to the school first.

I'll report back! Thanks for being there.

How did you get on, Hester? Our DD is starting Reception in September and we are dreading this too.

We spoke to all the headteachers at our local primary schools to find out how they would deal with any potential "issues" that may arise and also how much experience of children with same-sex parents they actually had. Two schools had never had any at all but were very positive and keen to be guided by us as necessary. The others had experience and were relatively blase but I wasn't convinced that I shouldn't be sneaking the Stonewall info onto their desks all the same.

In the end the school we were allocated has a number of children with same-sex parents (though none in Reception) and we kind of planned to do the same as you and try to get to know the children and their parents and find out their experiences and maybe ask for support and advice too. No idea how that will work in practise.

Kew's idea of letting the teacher think she's in charge is great.

Does your DD have many friends in Reception? Our DD doesn't really have any individual friends at preschool (although there are one or two children she favours over others) and it seems that most of the children don't. Not sure if this is an age thing and whether it continues that way in Reception while they are still learning social skills. Or maybe it's a class size thing? I don't know where I'm going with this except that I was thinking if she had one or two close friends you could somehow work towards making sure the friends and even their parents understand her family set-up and are supportive of her. That's probably totally mad. It's such a steep learning curve, isn't it?!

Hope it went well, anyway, and that your DD is doing OK.

SweetApril, it's really kind of you to ask how it went. I think it went well, actually. My first appointment with the teacher got cancelled, but I got to see her finally and she was great, much better than I expected. She reassured me that dd is actually quite popular, with a number of friends, and that she hadn't picked up on any general unpleasantness to her. However, she did take seriously what had happened, and asked whether it was because she had invited dd to make two Mothers Day cards, and she saw that some other children picked up on that.

I thought it was good that she was prepared to admit fault, though of course she wasn't at fault, and she had done exactly the right thing in encouraging our dd to make two cards. So I was clear that I wasn't expecting the school to protect our dd from the inevitable questioning she will always get about our family; rather,I wanted her advice on how we should work together to handle it (thank you kew, I remembered your post!).

We agreed that she would talk to dd herself, which she did, at length. dd seems to have found it immensely reassuring that the grown-ups took her seriously and took her side. She asked the teacher to talk to the main culprit. Whether she will or not I don't know - this was the last day of term and it may all be forgotten by the other side of the holidays, and we don't want to stir it all up again. Anyway, I'm very happy to trust the teacher to handle it as she sees fit.

I have had a few little chats with dd about good things to say to people who tease her about her family: wouldn't it be boring if we were all the same, aren't I lucky I get double the love etc. And we've talked about how difficult it can be to feel different: I told her that I was the kid at school who didn't have a dad, and dp was the only black girl in her school, and one of the boys she knows at school got teased in the playground for being brown-skinned. She was shocked by that, but seemed to find it fascinating and reassuring that she is in the company of plenty of other 'differents'.

So: so far so good, I think. In that we got over the first hurdle, and kept dd's trust that it's worth talking to grown-ups, though I don't kid myself: we've got more (and worse) to come.

April, I am SO jealous that you found a school with lots of same sex parents in it! Where are you - Stoke Newington?!

Hi my son started in year 1 last september and daughter nursery January. The nursery already knew about our situation as my son previously attended and they do home visits, but I didn't mention it to the school, apart from putting it on the forms that we filled in. I personally didn't feel like it was a big deal as I'm sure there are all types of families out there. One of my (straight) friends thought I should be more proactive, wasn't I worried about bullying etc., but I feel kids can be bullied for any number of reasons, and my son has always been pretty secure and popular. And in fact her son has been picked on for being a 'cry baby' and she's had to go up to the school!
The school ds goes to is in an affluent middle class area, but the class is very mixed. And now I've sussed that there are single parents, kids with no mums and one child whose parents are no longer together but have chosen to have another child, and several gay mums in the area although not at school. Ds teacher was aware that he has 2 mums, as she mentioned it to a friend, as in he's so well behaved, maybe because he's got 2 mums! I tell people as when it comes up and they're usually absolutely fine. Obviously if he came home talking of teasing and bullying I would have to sort that out. Hester I think you've been unlucky to encounter teasing so early on. The nursery did make us 2 mums day cards because I'm very friendly with dd's teacher and I go in regularly to help. I have worked on getting involved in both schools, joining pta, going in to read, getting to know the teachers, so they can see for themselves that we are a loving supportive family and I'm no different to the other mums. At the moment it seems like the kids are all accepting eachother at face value and being an optimistic person I hope that continues

Hester, I'm so glad it went well for you and your DD. I hadn't even thought that the teacher would talk to her individually and, of course, it's such a good idea. My DD would definitely feel much more confident if she had a trusted grown-up to turn to in that situation. I do think so much of it is about confidence. My DD is sensitive and inclined to internalise stuff and we try to give her lots of support and encouragement to speak out and stand up for herself if need be but there is only so much you can do.

And no, not Stoke Newington! When I said "a number" of children I meant actually four!! Having looked at schools with none at all I thought it seemed like loads

Maidenheadmum, your take is interesting. We asked a lot of questions of the teachers and headteachers about our situation mainly because we wanted to know how they would handle it if another child said in a class situation something like, "Why has LittleApril got two mummies?" I didn't want to think there would be a stunned silence, that the question was ignored or that DD would be made to feel different in anything less than a really positive way. Obviously you can't legislate for everything but I would feel terrible if DD was teased or bullied and I hadn't tried to put any markers in place to prevent it from the start. But then I'm not a naturally optimistic person as you might have guessed!