cant accept my mum is gay

[givemeaclue]

OKay long story I will try to keep it brief. I also do not wish to cause any offence to any gay or lesbian parents. I am 36 (long running saga) when I was 15 my mum told me that my stepfather (who had been in relationship with my mum for 10 years and was in effect my dad on a day to day basis although I also have a dad) had left her, out of the blue. She was devastated and now had to cope as a single parent. During the conversation when she told me he had left, when me and sis asked why, she said that she had started a relationship with a woman and was a lesbian. She gave no other reasons. Apparently stepfather knew of this but he and my mum were still great friends and it was her expectation that they would stay together and that she would continue to receive practical and emotional support from him, all be it she was in a relationship with someone else. All a lot of shocking news to take in at once when you are 15. My mums new partner lived in another part of the country so she started spending weekends away, leaving me and my very badly behaved (drinking, truancy,stealing etc) sister on our own at weekends. I was 15/16 sis was 14/15. I never told anyone that my mum was a lesbian. It was a lot to take in at one time and I was fearful of ridicule at school (inner city rough comprehensive). However, this became a habit and in fact I never told anyone about my mum being a lesbian even my best friends, in effect I have kept it a secret. Fast forward many years and me and my mum have a very strained relationship for a number of reasons. we have had counselling when the above situation came to the fore. My mum denies the facts of what happened (e.g she says that me and my sis already knew she was a lesbian, that it suited me for her to go away for weekends as I could have my boyfriend to stay etc.) My mum says she is sick of me hiding the truth adn wants me to be 'out' about her sexuality. This is not an unreasonable request but so much time has gone on that the thought of telling my friends that I have beenkeeping a secret frm them for years is causing massive anxiety. I have managed to tell 2 people as the opportunity came up in conversation. Having not told anyone for over 20 years this was a big step forward for me however I still have x number of friends who don't know.

How do I get over my anxiety/stress about telling people?

How do I and my mum move on from this?

How can I ignore the fact that my mum denies the facts of what happened (this is a big issue for me)

any advice?

Why do you think people would feel negatively about your mum being a lesbian. If one of my friends told me that about their mum, it would be fine.

I think the bigger issue is that she left you alone for weekends when you were 14&15. Regardless of where she was going. I personally think that's disgraceful.

So as far as advice goes - I don't think anyone would care whether your mum's a lesbian so don't stress about that part of things.

As babyapplejack said, there are very, very few people who would really give two hoots about your mum being a lesbian.

Are you telling people your mum is 'straight' or are you just letting them presume she is ? You may be able to explain it to your mum that you're not denying her sexuality, you just don't see why it's important that you tell anyone.

But, at the end of the day, if you don't feel comfortable telling people then don't. I don't go about telling everyone I meet (or even my close friends) that my parents are naturists. Why not ? Because it's really not important, I find it quite embarrassing and it doesn't actually define who or what I am.

I am fully expecting my DS to 'deny' that he has two mums at certain stages of his life, so I can sympathise with you not wanting to tell anyone when you were a teenager (especially as your mum seems to have portrayed herself as heterosexual at one point). I can also understand that once a 'little white lie' starts, it can be hard to stop.

Nothing is going to change the past and what happened, it sounds like you've tried counselling and there is still disconnect between how you and your mum feel about what happened. My advice, for what it's worth, draw a line under it and move on. This may be a very simplistic 'tinted glasses' response, but sometimes it's better to drop the baggage than have it drag you down IYSWIM.

Goalie I've been trying to think of something useful to write for ages but can't cos I keep chortling thinking of your naturist parents! Is much wierder and more embarrassing behaviour in parents than mere lesbianism!

Givemeaclue as you've already had counselling with your mum about this I can't imagine I can add anything new. But as you've asked, I'll give you my twopenn'orth.

In case it's relevant, my mum is a lesbian and came out when I was 12 (am 31 now). Caused much ridicule at school but I was the rebellious type and ended up quite enjoying it. I have issues with how I was parented as a teenager that I've had to separate from my feelings about my mum's sexuality. Quite easy for me as I never had a big problem with mum being gay (was just mortified to start with at school). But my mum didn't get support from her
lesbian friends to be a good parent. The vast majority of them were not parents and often I felt like she saw me as an embarrassing hangover from her relationship with a man. My mum would never have dreamed of neglecting me like yours did but she did leave me with a few ishoos to unpack!

Tbh your mum sounds like a right knobhead. NOT because she is a lesbian. But because she took the piss out of your stepdad (who also deserves a share of your anger, he chose to abandon you and could have continued to take a role in your lives even though he separated from your mum). And because she neglected her teenage daughters. And because she still can't acknowledge that she did anything wrong. What a knobhead.

Your anxiety about coming out for/about your mum after 20 years in a closet-by-proxy? I'd be anxious in your shoes. I'd feel like a right tit. If you were my friend, I'd be shocked. That you hadn't told me sooner! Are you sure this isn't where your anxiety is coming from to some extent?

Like Goalie said, you don't need to define yourself by your mum's sexuality and run around telling everyone about it, but you do need to get over it. As long as you refuse to tell people about your mum being a lesbian, you are giving her a huge hiding place from which she can avoid looking at her own shortcomings. It must be very easy for her to say "Givemeaclue wasn't neglected. She liked being left on her own. She just hates me cos she's a big old homophobe". Bollocks. Call her bluff. Tell everyone. Get the moral upper hand back - it belongs to you!

Sorry for swearing, there has been

I can't say how you get over your anxiety tbh. But I must say I couldn't give a toodling who my friends mum was shagging.

Um rodformyownback are you me?

Could have written that post myself except I was younger when mum came out. I spent a lot of time when I was younger explaining to therapists/teachers etc that mum being gay wasn't a problem, it was more the particular style of parenting she pursued that was a problem. They didn't get it, in the eighties it just wasn't acceptable to happy with gay parents

It seems like that's happening here, the problem is that you and your mum don't have a great relationship but the good news is you can work on that.

FWIW I was frikkin terrified of telling people when I was younger, scared of judgement I guess. However I never had a bad reaction and as I matured I realised that anyone who made an issue of this was a complete nobcheese so vowed to shout it from the rooftops as it were

Firstly, what has been the reaction of friends when you have told them? Is there a reason this holds fear for you?

Secondly it seems like your mother needs to acknowledge on some level that this has been difficult for you for what ever reason. Is there any chance of family therapy or someone who can tell your mum what's what in no uncertain terms?

It sounds like my (younger) life too.

I am so sad that you suffered like that. It is horrible & you didn't deserve to be treated this way at all.

It seems like you could really benefit from talking 'everything' through with a trained person?
(speaking from personal experience here-it changed my life for the better). PM me if you'd like.

pixie

Thanks all for your replies, I appreciate you taking the time to read the long thread and reply.

yes, Rodforownback you are absolutely right, the anxiety about telling people comes from the fact that I feel v stressed about telling people that I have in effect been hiding something from them for years/not being completely honest with them. Some of my friends have been friends since school days when the whole saga happened. They know me and my mum have been having counselling and have asked how its going, giving me a great opportunity to tell them but every time I've not taken the opportunity. They aren't homophobic, they have friends/relatives who are gay/lesbian. The 2 people I have told are more recent friends, its been easier as it doesn't feel like I have hidden something from them for years.

Even if I told everyone today, I don't think it would improve my relationship with my mother. I think she would be happier but I wouldn't. But as you've all said it would take away the excuse that I am in some way homophobic. There are lots of other issues with her so part of me feels, why should I put myself through a load of stress for someone who is such hard work?

She does acknowledge its been hard for me, but as she denies the facts of what happened I don't feel we can move on. She says she is 'working on creative solution's for us to move on. God only knows what that will involve...