sex talk

[kattyo]

I'm a single mother by choice - but i'm posting here as i reckon lesbian/gay parents are more likely to have used donor sperm to conceive than people on a general parenting board, and therefore to have talked about the issue with their hcildren, and therefore have children more likely to come up with questions like this at an early age.

My question is:

My nearly four year old twins are determined to find out how the seed gets inside the lady to meet the egg. I have tried to change the subject by sleight of hand three times, but it's not going to wash. It's a fair enough question. But sex education at three???? (They know about seeds and eggs for various reasons, partly to do wtih their conception which involved IVF). Anyone come up with a good book/good idea? Both for natural and assisted conception.
I botched it a bit tonight. Unwilling to talk about vaginas... only because it's all so outrageously out there, i mean... what??? what on earth is THAT about.... and also worried they would start trying to stuff their little toy animals up there.... I said the lady had a tiny hole the seed went into. THis of course was rubbish and they are now persuing me around the kitchen trying to find out the size and location of the hole....

Tell them the answer in clear basic language. But no more than they have asked. Why do you think vaginas are outrageously out there? do you not normally talk about sexual organs at all with your kids? what do they think yours is called? I think you've already discovered if you try to be secretive they will get obsessive about discovering your 'secret' - just be open and honest. I doubt you need to talk about sex at this point but you can surely say penis and vagina?

Oh Kattyo you can't say vagina? I do understand, I struggled a bit. (My mum couldn't say vagina when we were little. I still remember her saying "wipe your bottom. And the front". And she's a lesbian. Go figure ).
Your los will probably lose interest after a while. I think they only take on board as much as they can understand at any given time, and filter out the rest. I told Ds1 that his brother was going to come out of my front bottom, and was justly ridiculed by my sister. I then told him he would come out of my vagina and showed him a picture in my pregnancy book. He said "can we make a train track?"
The books I've seen don't really address IVF or donor insemination, but you could try your local library? I found some "ishoos" books in the kids section of ours recently although none directly relevant.
My sister got ds1 a book called "Mummy laid an egg" by Babette Cole, it's very lighthearted and doesn't use any specific words. Unfortunately ds1 doesn't have the attention span for the whole thing so probably now thinks babies are grown in flowerpots! Again doesn't address the donor issue though.
I really do think though that you can explain anything to children, if you do it simply and early enough, they will take it in their stride and it will be normal for them. I assume you've already thought about how you will explain why you are an only parent so won't presume to make suggestions about that. But re the sperm you could say something like "I wanted you but I didn't want/have a daddy, so the doctor put some seeds in my vagina with a special tube" Sorry, I have no idea how it actually happened but just trying to suggest the sort of language you could use.
After having actually got the guts to say vagina to my son, I ended up having another bloody c-section. I explained this to ds1 with "your brother didn't want to come out of my vagina, so the doctor made a cut and got him out of my tummy. He fixed my tummy and now there's a red line, see? It's a little bit poorly now so we have to be gentle, but the doctor did a very good job, so I'll be better soon!" He seemed to accept this (hope I didn't traumatise him for life showing the scar!) What I'm trying to say is, I think just use language that they can understand and they will take on board as much as they are ready for.

Have you tried the Donor Conception Network materials? I've got the "Telling and Talking" resources ready for when my two are a bit older! Don't think it'll avoid the use of the "V" word though...

Hi, just read your post. It can be akward talking to your children about these things they have a habit of making us squirm!Have a look at a website called Pride Angel, they have a number of childrens books and books for adults on sale there might be something there you can use. The childrens books are bright and friendly. Take a look www.prideangel.com Let us know how you get on, good luck Dawn xx