child getting grief because of our sexuality

[rumred]

Hello all

Opinions and experience sought please.

my partners 10 year old son started a new school last september and has settled in ok. howver recently he has been subject to name calling about me and his mum (im his step mum). Prior to this he got some grief about being new.

he is upset and unsettled and talking about hating school. his dad is aggressively anti my partner and her sexuality and lets the child know this. his extended family disagreed with him moving house and school.

my partner has spoken to school who have tried to atlk to the class about difference etc. but the verbal abuse is continuing, from one child in particular.

i wonder if it would help speaking to the main offender's parents? we are white living iin a mainly muslim area. most of the abuse is coming from white kids some, from asian kids.

Any advice welcome

Thanks

Hi rumred, your step son must be going through a tough time. It's an awkward age anyway, when kids will find any little difference to pick on others about. It certainly will not help that his dad is not supportive of your relationship with his mum. It'll be making him feel very confused about who is right and who is wrong. His dad is being very inconsiderate. Even if he is not happy about your relationship he should not make this obvious to his son.
I'm not sure if talking to the main offenders parents will have much impact. At this age children "inherit" most of their prejudices from their parents, but it is certainly worth a try.
I know you both must feel so helpless but I think the only thing you can do at the moment is to give your step son lots of support, let him know that he is loved very much and that things will get better for him, encourage him to keep talking about what is happening in school and keep school up to date with it (it is bullying, so they should be looking at it very seriously). Let him know that you and your partner have had to put up with negative attitudes too but together you can stay strong. There is an American website called COLAGE, specifically for children with gay/lesbian parents. It might be load of you know what, but it may be worth a look.
Feel like I've waffled on a bit here. I'm talking from a mum/teacher perspective here. Maybe his school could do an anti bullying week with a focus on homophobia? Just make sure that they do not single your step son out when doing things like this as it will make him more of a target for the vicious little monsters that are 10 year olds!
I really hope things improve for you and your family.

hi

I've no direct experience of this (yet) as my DD is only 2, but I know we may well have to face this in the future. I think firstly, that it's a good sign that you know about it - i.e. your stepson feels comfortable enough to talk to you about it.

I think wigglemama is right on both counts - first, you have to tackle his dad (although this kind of thing may well just confirm his prejudices, unfortunately) and remind them that whatever they think about your partner, she is still the boy's mother, and that he loves her and depends on her. For them to tell him that there is something wrong with her or her choices can only confuse and undermine his confidence in himself.

This is - in my view - both more important and far more difficult than the school situation - which I suspect he could deal with if he felt confident about his mum.

You are clearly thinking very hard about this boy and what is right for him - and he will be OK.

You need to go back to the school, legally they HAVE to deal with this better. If it was a white kid constantly racially abusing a black kid, they would NOT let it be...and nnor should they. This is NO different.

Clearly what they are doing is not enough, and need to do more, what they do next is not your problem, it is theirs. If they continue to fail your stepson, then complain to the local authority. He has a right to be protected from homophobic abuse.

Contact Stonewall for advise re. school, or check out their website. It has loads of really useful info re. your rights, and resources for schools that can be downloaded.

The ex partner issue is more ticky, and should be challenged, but with all the emotional baggage I accept that will be hard.
Surely his dad cannot be happy for him to be bullied, can you not join forces to face the school, and maybe he (dad) will see the effects of homphobia for himself?

Thank you for all your thoughts and advice. We've talked some more with him and trying to help him respond to the crap from the pther child in a way that leaves him feeling alright. We'll talk to school again this week.

Re his dad, sadly his behaviour is not in our control and he is generally an arse who talks inappropriately to his son. It's an ongoing problem.

A teacher friend suggested he 'come out' early- disarm the bigots so they have no ammunition. I think this is probably right, though stepson needs some help getting to this point. We are all working on it and i think we'll get there

Thanks again

Hi,

My mum came out when I was 11 and had just started senior school.

It was a difficult time. I think at that age you are coming to terms with who you are, without having to deal with something else if that makes sense?

I had the usual name calling, " your mums a dyke" yadda yadda, but if I am honest I think every kid got it at some point - black/white, skinny/fat, rich/poor, thick/clever etc etc. At the time I thought it was bad, but really, it was no worse than anyone else got.

I know it's a cliche but the novelty will wear off eventually, it's hard but by not reacting, and just saying "yeah so what" means that it isn't a big deal.

I did find it a lot easier when I got to 13/14 and had a bit more self confidence.

I agree that the school need to step up. It is bullying, and as someone pointed out, if it was racism then it would be stamped out immediately.

The one thing I would urge him to do is be honest. My little sister was 10 at the time, and she would say my mums partner was her "friend/cousin/ whatever" which just made things worse.

Just be there for him, encourage him to talk to you ( sounds like you have good relationship already), and perhaps try and get some of his friends/ their parents on side?

So if this is a bit of a ramble, if I cam be of anymore help just shout.

Thanks for your message geordieminx. Think youre right about the honesty, we had a chat tonight cos he's worried about tomorrow and we'll have to keep playing it by ear.

am very tempted to snarl at some people but i know it wont help so taking it slowly.

we will have a go at getting some more people on side too

all really helpful advice, thanks

I had a very similar experience to Geordieminx. How sad that in some areas times have not changed as much as we'd like to think.

Mum came out in 1991, when I was 12. At the time I was mortified but by age 14 I was so proud of my mum and really didn't give a flying fuck what anyone thought.

A turning point for me was when a babysitter we had, whose sister was lesbian, told me that in a few years having a lesbian mum would give me street cred. I didn't know what street cred was, but it sounded good and I wanted some. She was right. By the time I started uni I was practically introducing myself as "Hi, I'm Rod, my mum's a lesbian" just to try look cool . Please tell your stepson this! It helped me, maybe it will help him.

I remember my first "so what?" too. I was 14 and so proud of myself. The worst of the teasing stopped when people realised that it wasn't getting to me.

This was in the days of section 28 so despite there being at least half a dozen gay and lesbian teachers at our school, homophobia wasn't directly challenged by the teachers (bullying was tackled but not the reason for it). There was almost no "normal" gay/lesbian presence in the media (remember Beth Jordache on Brookside? A pivotal moment!). So much has changed since then. The novelty will hopefully wear off much more quickly now that actually know what a lesbian is.

i have more to say but must sleep! chin up to your boy, it will pass

thanks rod. i think hes goign thourgh something similar to you and we are doing the so what line, etc. hes saying he wants a 'proper' family so we have had a torrid few weeks- ive felt very upset and insulted. but we are sorting it and he seems happier which of course helps at school. all sorts of stuff is coming out- how he feels about the past, straight families etc. he will get there eventually, with help from us as well trying to empathise with the thoughts and feelings of a 10 year old [was a very long time ago for me...]

so we are making progress and the issue about the boy i posted about at 1st has faded a bit- nothing is ever straightforward

Sadly in this society you will get people who are anti against gays/lesbians. Ask him how he feels about you being with his mum. Sit him down and have a chat with him. Also if his dad doesnt agree to your relationship with his mum and tells his son about it then he is just really ignorant and not worth worrying about. Just ignore him. Go into the school again with his mum and speak to the Headteacher and tell her whats happening. Normally it stops when it gets through to the Headteacher. Dont speak to the main offenders parents as it will cause more problems. Tell the Headteacher to do that. Above all keep cool calm and collected and this will sort itself out. Teach your son to rise above it as well.

thanks. not quite so simple in reality as in theory though.

i dream of being able to ignore his dad.... but it's impossible at present

step son is more settled at present so am grateful for that

Hi Rumred

Sorry I haven't posted again - bit ditzy atm with 10 week old ds2. I'm glad things are getting a bit better.

Your stepson is so lucky to have you, and that you are all able to talk openly about what's going on. Nobody talked much when I was growing up, there was a huge gulf between me and my mum so I had to negotiate standing up for her in the playground, feeling proud of her and at the same time feeling quite resentful towards her all at the same time. The idea of my mum's partner seeking advice about how to support me is just unthinkable (after almost 20 years, I still don't call her my stepmum ! Although I feel much closer to her in recent years as she is a lovely granny to my boys!).

I'm confident that your desire to support your dss and your ability to talk openly will ensure that you won't have unresolved issues 20 years down the line! You sound like a lovely stepmum, and all your care for dss is already paying off. Good for you!