Any thoughts on known donor/co-parenting?

[tricky77]

hi all,
I put a post on here a while ago asking for thoughts on known vs unknown donor...to which everyone replied with some really helpful thoughts. My DP and i are STILL deciding which route to take....gut feeling has always been known donor, and we've spoken to a few people that we know, but no one we really feel is right. Then, we thought more about the clinic route, and using a US Sperm Bank....this seemed to be the most favourable 2nd option for us the more we found out about it, mainly due to how much detailed info you can get about the donor etc. versus the UK Banks.....so, we were all set to motor ahead with this plan - and we still are in terms of getting registered with our local ACU clinic etc. However, recently, a friend put us in touch with a gay guy couple that she knows. She felt that us as a 4 would get on really well, and she knows that they have talked about children, and clearly she knows we are on the case as the well! SO, we thought that there was no harm in at least meeting up. Using a known donor who was in a steady, stable relationship themselves wasnt necessarily an option we had thought about - we dont really want to go too far down the co-pareting route, as we feel it would be too confusing for the child - in a kind of "too many cooks" way! However, after meeting these guys, its starting to seem like a potential option.
My question is....after a very long-winded message (sorry!)..has anyone ever gone down this route themselves to concieve, or know of anyone who has, and if so, how have things been working out??
FOr the boys, they previosly discussed adopting themselves, but came to the conclusion that neither of them wanted to give up work to become the primary carer, and they didnt really want a child enough to change their lifestyles. BUT, for them, they hadnt really considered the donor option - i guess it ticks a few boxes for them, in terms of being able to have children, but without all the day to day care..so in that sense, they may not necessarily want to be too hands on in co-parenting terms. As with using any known donor, it does come with all its complications and fears as to how things will pan out.....but for us, if the child was able to know, and spend time with their father, it would be a benefit to them...even though its a more complicated route than unknown donor, we feel, if its the right person, it could be a risk worth taking...
right - i really will stop rambling now!!
any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

I'm not gay, but have male gay friends who are seriously considering a similar scenario to the one you mention, with a lesbian couple.

They're trying to decide which one of them provides the sperm, and then (of course) whether that decision might be acceptable to the women.

Just wondering if you've discussed that, and how that discussion went?

You need to discuss very carefully with them what donating would mean to them. How often would they want to see the child, at age 0 months, 1 year, 5 years, 15 years... etc? Then think how you will feel if it works out differently - eg I know a couple whose donor said he wouldn't want any involvement, then decided he wanted to be an active father once the baby was born. Do you share parenting values? Will they be providing financial support? Will they be named on the birth certificate?

ds has a father (and two mothers) and we found the first year very tough, as all three of us were experiencing new parent emotions, realising we didn't really know each other that well, and spending a lot of time in each other's company. Now ds is 2.5 and stays with his dad every other weekend. This is working well for us, we get a break, and ds has a strong relationship with his dad. That said, when ds's dad decided he did not want any more children, we decided we couldn't go through the whole getting to know you stage with another person, and went for an anonymous donor this time round.

One thing to think about re UK/US donors. In the UK, your child will have a right to trace their donor when they turn 18. I don't know whether this applies to US donors?

Good luck!

Belfastbloke - we did talk about that when we met up (we have only had one meet up so far, so this is all still very early stages of exploring this option!) Anyway, i asked the question whether they had discussed already which one of them would rather be the donor...and if they had reached any conclusions. One of them is a doctor, and so straight away answered in medical terms...ie. neither of them has any issue in their family medical history, so there is no case of one them being discounted straight away as it were, which he said would make the decision easier for them! BUt essentially, there was one of the who was slightly more keen to be a donor than the other - as far as we are concerned, we didnt necessarily have a preference, they both seem great, so it is not as though we necessarily have a person in mind.

mamaschris - thanks for your message. that is one of out main concerns really - the fact that none of us really know how we are going to fel once the baby is born - ie. its all very well making all these agreements on parenting rights etc before that time, but then afterwards, anything could happen! our hope is that if we were to go with known donor, then our outlook on life and upbringing would be very similar anyway, so hopefully, there shouldnt be too much conflict on parenting styles for the big things at least. Financially, we've always felt that we would be self-sufficient in those terms and have never expected any support from the donor for this.
re. birth certificate, again, i believe we would rather just have our names on the birth certificate rather than the father - but this hasnt been discussed yet.

your set up sounds as though it is working out well though - it is something similar to what we would hope for - but like you, we would also like to try for 2 babies from the same donor (my DP would also like to carry a child), so this wold also be something that we would need to discuss with them.

oooh, it really is a head-spinner! all (and i mean ALL!) of our friends feel we should go the unknown donor route, just to take out all these complications etc. - but we still are not sure.....if things dont work out with these boys, then we probably will go unknown, as the clock is ticking a bit, and we cant really afford to delay much longer - but, the option of these guys being involved does seem an interesting potential at the moment.

tricky, you might find this stonewall leaflet useful, although it is somewhat angled towards the anonymous donor route, I think. You might also try the families section on gingerbeer for opinions. It's very active, and lots of different family setups there, although anonymous donor is probably most common.

I am glad ds has a dad (and concerned that our next babies won't, and how that dynamic will work in the family). But I think the hard times from the first year, now they're in the past, are worth it to see them together, for us. Pick the best route for you, not for your friends!

I would agree with LeninGrad that you shouldn't agree to something just because it sounds like a good idea. But I disagree that the only possible way to do this is for the donors to have an uncle role. That may be exactly what is right for you, but it might not.

I know families who cover the range from a known donor whose only contact is a birthday card to those that share the parenting alternate weeks (although I don't think this can work in the early years). Co parenting can take more work, but it can have benefits too. I would suggest to think carefully about exactly what you want, exactly what they want, whether it can be compatible, and from that what setup might work for you. Different family/parenting styles work for different people, and it's finding what works for you that matters.

we used known donor but we have no contact except the first week they were born and agreement that at 18 they will be told who donor was

meant to add we are able to contact for medical reasons etc

not much to add here really - we have known donor, sees DD every 2-3 months, so not parenting. Hadn't reckoned on his family (stupid, really) so that's hard work, but OK - and will be great later on. But the main thing I'd say is that one real downside of a known donor (assuming all else goes well, which it has so far for us) is you cannot guarantee that you will get to decide the size of your family - we've had the same experience as a few others on here, i.e. donor has new partner, and now not keen to donate again. We don't want to go the anonymous route so dd likely to be an only, which is not what we would have chosen. It's hard to feel that such a large decision depends on the view (donor's DP) of someone we barely know, but there it is. There's no guarantees (MN has lots of threads with people struggling to conceive no 2, etc etc) but it's hard not to be even able to try. Just something to consider - I think we were so fixated on getting one that we didn't really think things through in relation to how we wanted our family to be - I think we thought that we'd cross that bridge when we came to it (although we did agree with him to DD + sib) and now the bridge isn't there :(

We have something similar to LesbianMummy1 - we found someone through a free donor sperm website. It was important to us to meet our donor face-to-face, hear his voice, get his opinion on why he wanted to be a donor, see his medical records, ask him questions, etc. at our first meeting.

He is extremely professional and thorough, has several donor children as well as his own family (it was important to us he already had a family).

We e-mail him after each scan (currently 22.5 weeks preg), will e-mail him a final time when DS1 is born with vital stats and that's it. Hey presto! He will never see DS/provide support, etc. although DS can contact him at age 18. He has also agreed (by means of contract!) to provide a sibling for DS1 as I would also like to carry a child.

I don't think I'd go down the known donor route if I were you - simply because of a few things you are saying.

1. You want total control of baby, very difficult when tiptoeing around each other ESPECIALLY when donor has a partner and they see this as somewhat 'their' baby too.

2. You want a level of involvement. They say they didn't want a child enough to change their lifestyle. This sends up red flags to me that they may find it all well and good when he's a chubby cute baby, but when he's a raging screaming toddler or surly teenager are they going to want to be around as much? And you will inevitably resent that as you'll be the one telling your child why previously Daddy was happy to see them and now they're not.

3. You don't know them very well. If you were to do a known route, I'd pick someone very close to you, people who's values you understand and agree with, people whose commitment you can count on, people who you know will parent your child the same way you do when not in your care.

Just my two cents.

Good luck whatever you decide

starberries - all good advice. But surely the contract you have is not in any sense legally binding? And that's the problem with all of this - whichever route you go down, other than the anonymous - the legal situation is at best open to argument. We have a donor agreement with DD's father, but we all know that this is not legally binding, although a court would look on it as a statement of intent. I don't see how someone can agree to provide a sibling - to donate again, maybe :o

I'm also not 100% convinced about using someone very close - this can bring its own problems (e.g. assuming that values are shared, and then finding that they are not). But you will find the right thing for you - if time is on your side, be patient and don't settle for anything that doesn't feel right for both of you

There haven't been many precedents for donor contracts going to court so no one can say for sure whether it would be legally binding driving. However as he will not be listed anywhere on the birth cert and his name will never be mentioned (he does not even know our last name) then it's virtually impossible for anything to be disputed.

yes, it's all very complicated - DD's father's name is not on her birth cert either. I'm no lawyer, but surely a contract between parties who aren't using their legally given names cannot be legally binding?

There is a precedent here (in Ireland) and the agreement was taken to be a statement of intent by both parties - who had both reneged on the terms of the agreement. It ended up in the supreme court with access (but not guardianship, which was what he was seeking) being granted to the father, but leaving the child with the lesbian couple who were raising him...

but this isn't typical, the couple was clearly so desperate for a baby that they didn't work out all of these things properly in advance

I do see your point. I think it's a non-issue for us as we know he has donated to so many other couples and also has his own family. But yes, in theory everything is probably subject to heavy negotiation in a legal situation. I'm supremely confident we'll never have to do that, but it's something to think about OP.

starberries glad for you - and congrats, by the way. It is something that we did occasionally stress about - the unknown, but I think we are OK - our donor is really not that interested and I suspect slightly regrets his keenness to be involved - even though this only entails a few weekends year - but as DD gets older, she may want more from him. Her emotional attachment to him was something that we hadn't quite factored in.

The main issue is the only child one (I am an only child) - just out this evening and some plonker said oh well she'll be doubly spoiled as an only child with 2 mums . wtf...it is these stupid prejudices that I really didn't want DD to have to deal with in her life. Just venting, sorry

Hi, just wondered if you were any further on or still considering donors? I know there is a lot to consider ans also legal implications too. Have you had a look at a site called Pride Angel? My friend used it, it is great and very imformative there are also profiles of people willing to donate and also people wishing to coparent.Have a look it may help or not but worth the chance. Good luck, keep uis updated on how you get on. xx

i am in almost exactly the same situation other than the fact i am single at the moment.

I am wrangling with the decision, do i give my child a father and share parenting duties with him or use an unknown donor and raise the child alone.

As this will be the most important decision i ever make i am really struggling.

Part of me doesnt want to share parenting duties more due to the fact i dont know anyone well enough to want to share my child with them, even finding a suitable co parent is difficult as its important to have the same values and beliefs and parenting styles.

However i dont know if its right to deny my child the opportunity of knowing their father and having a relationship with them....

HI Kazzaq, coparenting takes time to sort out as you have to get to know the other parent in order to establish your limits and boundaries. You have to also remember the legal implications. I think you should take a look at a website calle Pride Angel. People can register as coparents/sperm donors/receipent eggs and sperm. It may help you to talk to people in the same situation or even to post your own profile and see if anyone contacts you. They also have legal advice you can look at. I am sure though it would be a rewarding experience for everyone involved, a baby is such a blessing! Take care, keep us posted. xx