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This board is primarily for those whose children have LGBTQ+ parents to share their personal experiences and advice.

LGBT parents

anonomous or known?

14 replies

guineagents · 21/07/2010 13:53

Obviously there are pros and cons to each decision. I have a 3 yr old son who knows his birth father and is in regular contact. I know my DP finds this hard but for me I always thought that having the dad around was important. I still dont know if that was the right decision. At the time my son was conceived I wasnt out as gay to my family so having a guy around helped me to continue to lie basically. I now know this was wrong and often regret the decision.

Thinking about number 2 soon. Sometimes I wish id used an anonomous donor from the start as then I could have 2 kids with same dad. When I start to think this way I get really sad. Am more inclined to use an an anonomous donor this time, though part of me feels like this is "selling out" Dont mean to offend anyone, but I hope my son benefits from having his dad around, despite this being really difficult for me and my DP at times.Im not sure I could deny another DC this opportunity, especially as his/her sibling would have a dad.

Would be grateful if anyone could share their experiences of choosing anonomous route. I dont know if I could cope with another guy around to have to navigate things with. Its so hard and exhausting. But then I think am I being selfish just cos its easier for me?

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LeninGrad · 21/07/2010 15:08

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drivingmisscrazy · 21/07/2010 15:31

you might also want to think about the effect of using 2 different routes on your son and any potential DC - I think it's up to each individual couple to decide (but I really think you have to take the decision as a couple - it's such a huge decision), but I also think that mixing methods within one family could cause problems down the line (we have a known donor for our DD, would love another, he doesn't want to, so clinic only option probably) - how will you deal with one child who knows his father and another who doesn't? how might this affect their relationship as siblings? how will you explain to younger dc that whilst ds goes off to see his daddy, dc doesn't? I'm not saying you shouldn't go the anonymous route, just that there are possible bumps in the road with this too.

We will try and squeeze KD's goolies ask him again for a sibling for DD, but also recognise that being an only is the most likely outcome

btw I am non-bio mum and am very happy with our KD and think it's the best thing for DD who continually plagues loves her daddy

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guineagents · 21/07/2010 17:46

leningrad- I think we both find it hard. We dont have the best of relationships with DS father so it is difficult. I guess I think its harder for her cos she not the bio mum in first place and we werent together until my DS was 2.She does so much for my DS but guess her input can at times feel sidelined.

Drivingmisscrazy- think we've crossed paths before on onlychild familes! Thanks for advice- really helpful as I can relate to yr situation.I dont know if I could just stick at one DC thats the trouble. I know there would be potential probs using a clinic but dont feel this should stop us having another. I sometimes feel really resentful of DS father and what I percieve as the trouble he's caused in my life- but know that unreasonable! tnh I wish Id never met him and had 2 kids by now by same donor

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drivingmisscrazy · 21/07/2010 19:38

yes - your dilemma sounded familiar - that's why

I suppose we're lucky in that (so far, fingers crossed etc) our relationship with DD's dad has been good and clearly yours has gone sour in some way. And things might get worse if you feel that the decision you took with DS means that you can't have another child if that's what you want - for us it's simply a case of not really wanting a child with a different father. I know that sounds odd in some ways - but it's the same old thing really, that you can't depend on things working out the way you hope. Mind you, I know of some couples who have had real trouble with having enough donor sperm for no. 2.

If in your heart of hearts you want another then go for it - I'm sure we would if we didn't think that it would compromise our (and therefore DD's) relationship with her dad. Mind you, there'd be nothing he could do about it if we did...

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LeninGrad · 21/07/2010 19:48

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guineagents · 21/07/2010 19:54

my ideal wouild be my DPs brother to ne totally honest! KNow some people mite think this strange, but would love to have part her genes and part mine. We in good contact with him and all get along but he is married and dont know if it would go down v well! He has a small child already and is a FANTASTIC father! but think DP is scared he would want to be too hands on

Part of me is scared of asking, but think we should just to rule him out as a potential donor and so I can move forward with decsions

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LeninGrad · 21/07/2010 20:02

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drivingmisscrazy · 21/07/2010 20:02

I know some people in the blogosphere where they did that - used the brother...I think it caused all sorts of hassle - and a lot to ask of his family too...but I'm sure there are lots of upsides. These are the folks here - the blog has been dead for over a year, and you'd have to scroll back through it. It's american and, um, well, very intense. But interesting.

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guineagents · 21/07/2010 21:52

LG, dont think there's much to iron out tbh.We are just v different people, different work ethic, different parenting styles, all those things u never know if u dont really know someone then have baby with them. Id be happy if I never saw him again but my DS loves him and so Il always support their relationship and am glad they got each other.

Rekon if I can maintain a civil relationship with him, then the brother who's a great dad would be easy!

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LeninGrad · 21/07/2010 22:09

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Starberries · 16/08/2010 10:54

We used a known donor as in - we know who he is, found him privately, he came to our home to do his part of the AI. We chose a known donor because I would have been far too curious to not be able to know what the other half of my child actually looked like in the flesh, to know how much 'nature' prevails over nurture, that sort of thing. In some ways the hassle would have been much less by going the clinic route but I'm glad we didn't.

But we haven't ever seen him out of that, and don't want to. He won't have any contact with DS, and DS won't know who he is until he's 18 and can then contact him if he wants to.

Our donor also agreed up front to provide a sibling for DS at any time we choose, that was a prerequisite for us before choosing a donor. He is extremely professional, has a contract, also donates for clinics so we had all his updated testing available, and he has done this many times before. He also has his own family which was important to us as well.

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dogscatsandbabies · 22/08/2010 17:14

Interesting to hear your experiences. I'm new to the site, 12 weeks pregnant with our first child. It was a big decision for us- how to conceive. We had male friends who offered but in the end it came down to a question of long term stability. A man who agrees to terms initially (contact, parenting rights etc), has every possibility of (and right to) change his mind in the future.

We realised that this could potentially cause more upset, arguments and stress over years to come than knowing the gentic origins of a child would be worth. I really liked the idea of my child knowing its father but was hugely aware that this could have made my partner feel like a spare part and couldn't bear the thought that that situation could damage our relationship. A friend of mine who has children advised that a stable family (of whatever description) is the most important factor in a child's happiness and I happen to agree.

So we took the clinic route and have been pleasantly surprised by how much information you can gain on a donor and, after several failed attempts, how little you really care whether his hair is blond or brown.

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guineagents · 03/09/2010 18:08

dogscatsandbabies

Congratulations on yr pregnancy! I know its a really hard choice. Im really interested in how u made yr choice cos Im in a similar situation ( am original poster) and still deciding to use clinic or not.

I really dont mean to offend cos I have thought exactly the same as what you wrote in yr second paragraph. Just, if Im totally honest, worry that is more about our needs rather than a childs?

I agree that a stable family is, of course, the most important factor and also couldnt care less about child hair colour!

What am less sure about is whether yr partner feeling like spare part is reason enuf to use clinic. Surely this just means its harder, but u gotta commhnicate more etc, when u raising the child. Similarly, "potentially causing more upset" is surely about upset for you?

Sorry not meaninig to be harsh, cos feel same a lot of time. Wish I could get my head around using a clinic.

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dogscatsandbabies · 25/09/2010 10:42

guineagents

You are totally right to question our motives and whether we are making decisions based on our needs or a child's needs... We spent years asking ourselves these questions and the answers you come to are not always easy ones. We seriously considered all our options.

The overwhelming feeling was that a family needs to be stable, or at least as stable as life allows. The same way that as a parent you look for a stable job to be able to provide financially for your family, stability in our family set-up is just as necessary for us. We felt that an anonymous donor was the very best way that we could guarentee this. I'm not suggesting that there aren't benefits to known donors, clearly there are. What we decided was that the potential risks of animosity and unacceptable angst in the future weren't worth the benefits. I have close male friends, one in particular, who I feel will be the very best father figure I or any child could hope for. Maybe this also changes the situation.

I'm certain that as our child matures he / she will ask why there they have no daddy. But I know that I could answer that question better than I could explain why daddy hasn't sent them a birthday card, or why they have to stay at daddy's house tonight when they don't want to, or why daddy and mummy argue all the time (hopefully I would never allow an argument to take place between me and anyone else that a child was witness to but we all know kids figure out everything!)

I'm not suggesting that what is right for us is right for everyone, and your relationship with your donor will be the deciding factor. But you must be 100% comfortable with your decision whatever it may be. I know we have done the right thing for our family and thus for our child.

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