Is 11 too young to be announcing a girlfriend at school? Am I handling this all wrong

[guiltynetter]

About 5 months ago my 11 year old daughter said she had something to tell me and this was that she thinks she is gay. It was a bit of a surprise as for weeks and weeks before she'd had a huge crush on a boy in her year. She is in year 7 one of the youngest of the year, she is still quite immature I would say.

I said that's absolutely fine, I don't mind what you are, the only thing I said was that I didn't think she needed to be deciding now what she is or isn't, as she is so so young, and that things can change through the years, you don't really know what you are at 11. She said she agreed.

Fast forward to now she's now said a new friend at school who's said they are bi and I've seen in her phone messages (I check them at night) that they are now girlfriend and girlfriend. They are planning on going into school on Monday and telling everyone and she has spent the weekend making rainbow pride keyrings and flags for them both.

I don't want her to have a boyfriend or girlfriend at this age and have told her so. And I definitely don't think it'd a good idea to go into school proclaming to all. I'm mostly worried about the bullying aspect although I'm sure it's very different to when I was at school 30 odd years ago. I was bullied for being a 'lesbian' although I never was, back in the day it was a big thing and it was an awful time.

Should I just be letting her get on with this or setting some boundaries, I just feel she is so young still. Thank you

What age do you think it will be ok for her to have a boyfriend or girlfriend?what age did you first have a boyfriend?

I’ve always told my dc I want their partners to be their cheerleaders and improve their lives. Their genitalia is not important. So many friends in abusive relationships, I want them to be in healthy ones. Other than that I’ve stepped back. Dd1 said she was gay in year 7. I didn’t make it a thing but did say we didn’t need to make a label and she should just see as I wasn’t sure you have sexual feelings at 11. She’s now 18 and been with her lovely girlfriend for 2 years.

I think you should have a talk to her about what a “relationship” means at her age and what that looks like. Realistically it’s most likely going to be a friendship and fizzle out, but you need to keep communication open. I’d be more worried that she hasn’t told you.

How did you feel about her having a crush on a boy?

I had a boyfriend about that age - we held hands while we hung out with the rest of our group of friends. I'd be fine with that sort of "relationship".

But I do worry now with constant access to each other via WhatsApp or whatever, that things can become a bit more intense and almost codependent for kids these days. I don't think you can ban them from being girlfriends though, then she'll likely just hide it from you and not feel able to come to you if it does take a bad turn in any way. Instead model/teach some healthy boundaries (mostly around phone use and spending time with family and friends!)

It might sound over the top, but my friends child had their first "relationship" at 12 and it was awful how toxic it was at such an age!

DD had a bf in Y7. Never held hands , or even talked much at school. Mostly messages , which were boring as fuck, I checked. In Y8 she had a girlfriend, that was quite intense and wasn’t great , but ended anyway. She started y9 saying she wants to “focus on her studies” and not interested in dating anyone.

Each declaration was met with acceptance and not much fuss.”That’s nice dear “ kind of way, except for when she struggled with the gf and asked for help and I gave her support and advice.

This is how to deal with everything no matter how terrifying as a parent of teens and preteen!

My son announced to me when he was five that he had a girlfriend and they were going to get married.

kids of all ages decide they have boyfriends or girlfriends and really get into it for a while and then move on.

it is very unlikely in this day and age that she would be bullied at school for this (and if she was the school will be on it like a tonne of bricks)

so just keep going with the “that’s nice dear”

Yes you're right about her not telling me. We have always been very close and she tells me everything. But I specifically told her I didn't want her to have a boyfriend or girlfriend at her age. I said she was too young. So that's why she hasn't told me. It's very difficult. She is my first child and nobody tells you how to deal with these things.

I think asking her what a relationship looks like to her is a good idea. She had a 'boyfriend' in primary school for 2 years and they barely even spoke to each other 😅

@TeenLifeMum that's what I said about not making it a label. But she's not really listening, just doing what she wants 🙈

She is almost certainly neurodivergent and I feel she is vulnerable. She doesn't have WhatsApp or any social media.

Honestly I'd just let it happen. It's really likely to fizzle out naturally at this stage. My son's 13 and I'd say even now, if he had a "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" it would realistically just be a really good mate who enjoyed Minecraft and chocolate! I don't think it would occur to him that there's more to it. I mean obviously if your daughter start talking about anything more, then she's too young, but I'm not sure that she would even think about it yet. My mum, years ago, had a boyfriend and girlfriend in her class of 5 year olds! It's natural for children to want to explore.

Wrt 'will she get bullied about it?' - i'd say no. I think about 70% of the girls in DD's yr (also yr7) have decided they're gay or bi, have announced it to the world and paired off! No backlash from anyone.

From what DD tells me it's still pretty unheard of for any boy to be open about it or 'pretend' to be gay to follow the trend. Just the girls. Weird times. They all seem quite happy tho. (except the boys perhaps who might be wondering how many actual straight girls there are these days! 🤣)