Eleven year old boy

[fineline987]

I have an eleven year old son and he’s great. Clever, funny, sweet, popular.
A couple of months ago he wrote me a card with a poem in it telling me that he is gay. I was extremely touched that he told me and in such a sweet way. I asked him if he had been worried to tell me and he said no he just wanted me to know. We’ve had some conversations and he says he’s now not actually 100% sure since he’s never really fancied anyone or been interested either way. I’ve said great, he’s still young and whoever he does or doesn’t end up with is all good as long as they treat him well. He also told me he’d done a quiz online that said he was which surprised me since he’s usually very switched on so I was surprised he’d taken it seriously.
Forgive me if I write too much I don’t want to forget anything.
Recently he’s been drifting a bit from his lifelong male friends and found a group of female ones. I am worried about this and I know from one parent his sexuality is being discussed. Considering he is still in primary school I did shut this parent down and ask why she was discussing my child’s private feelings this way. He has started to appear quite camp all of a sudden and even changed his walk. I do NOT mean that offensively to anyone but it is true.
He’s now asked for nail hardener and I found out yesterday he’s been watching a lot of drag related make up videos and things. He hasn’t told me this.
I have also noticed he’s staying in the bathroom for what feels an eternity and acting oddly when he comes out. I think he might be having a bit of a try with his sisters make up in there.
He’s also had a bit of a personality change and keeps calling everyone ‘girl’. At parent eve his teacher told me he’s no longer achieving greater depth and appears more concerned with being cool
Anyway my worry is this. In September he starts senior school. The children at this school are not necessarily known for liking difference and I’m essentially worried he’s going to get into bother with nasty kids. I am concerned about the make up/ drag thing too if I’m honest.
Id like to talk to him about all this but in a way that I won’t end up alienating my lovely boy or making him feel bad. I just want to say protect him but also prepare him for the real world
We’ve always been able to talk I don’t want to get it wrong

Also suspected low needs ASD and he’s always been a bit of a genius so the education falling back is worrying.

He needs to step away from the internet!

He’s barely on it to be honest. He’s more into films and crafts but I think something caught his eye with make up and now he’s got a YouTube song playlist that’s purely about drag and he’s watched some videos about the make up side of things, not the comedy acts.
As I say he’s an intelligent boy and not one for being online all the time
Hoping for some more constructive advice re conversations and starting senior school.

It's great that he's barely on the internet, as this will obviously change significantly over the next few years. Even if he's not got a phone (most 11 year olds do), schools generally set homework online and expect children to have access to laptops.

It sounds like he would be very vulnerable to online "egg hunters". Adults who look for children whose egg they can crack... where egg cracking refers to coming out at trans.

A boy who is potentially gay (I agree with you it's too early to have a settled sexual orientation) is vulnerable to believing he's not actually a gay boy at all but is instead a straight girl trapped in a boy's body.

My suggestion would be to start looking at the kind of things he might find online so that you're informed about it before he finds it, and can look out for signs. You could google "Mtf egg cracking drag" or "egg cracking Reddit" as a start point. The world of drag is interwoven with messaging that leads very quickly to all this kind of stuff. Adults will chat with children online via various platforms, including You Tube - or will point towards Reddit or Discord as places to go, where other chats can take place.

If your son is going to grow up gay and flamboyant, that's great. But he risks being drawn to the idea that he may need to modify his body to be his true self. The Tavistock clinicians who blew the whistle on the UK's (now closed) NHS gender clinic referred to it as "transing away the gay".

Hoping for some more constructive advice re conversations and starting senior school.

Helping him know that you love him, that he is a biological male (autistic children are vulnerable to messaging that confuses biology with sex-based stereotypes when thinking about what it is to "be" male or female), that it's totally fine to experiment with make-up etc, that if he is gay some children can be cruel... All of this will help him. But staying one step ahead of what types of messaging he might find online and also in school will help a lot.

This blog that has been written by a gay teacher may be a useful start point when it comes to what he might encounter at secondary school: https://www.transgendertrend.com/school-lgbt-club/

Thankyou both, that’s useful and considered advice. I want to support him but I’m also very aware of the dangers out there with influencing so I’m trying to be proactive

I think he needs restrictions on the inernet, RuPaul drag race & drag videos etc are not aimed at children.

The sentence that stood out to me in OP's post is: The children at this school are not necessarily known for liking difference.

I would start joining the waiting list for schools that have strong pastoral support and where your boy will fit in better.

My DD’s have a friend who around the same age became really camp for want of a better expression and came out as gay aged 12 to all. He’s a happy now married gay man aged 26, but did experiment with drag, at no point however did he think he was a woman, he just liked the clothes and make up. I’ve not seen him recently but as far as I know the cross dressing stopped with his teens

100% limit his internet access . He’s highly vulnerable to grooming.
Experimentation with makeup is fine but Drag is really quite sexualised, it’s not suitable for 11 year olds.

Of course it’s fine if he does realise he’s gay when he’s older but for now I would be saying wait and see, you’re still quite young to know for sure.

I have a DD in year 6 btw and this is the approach I would take if she told me she was questioning her sexuality.

As for secondary school just see how things go for now as you usually would, children shouldn’t have to hide who they are so work with the school if there’s any bullying. Sounds like his group of friends are not the best influence on him so moving schools could end up being a good thing if he makes new friends.
Obviously no makeup in school, which would be the same for an 11 year old girl

Those drag videos are extremely sexual and misogynistic - at 11 I'd be wary of letting him watch them

Sounds like a very positive story. It's such a shame that the internet (and in particular social media) is sending such confusing messages to children about biological sex, sexual orientation and gender identity.

I don’t let him watch them and he doesn’t watch Drag Race. He’s been watching the make up tutorials and has a music playlist that he listens to that I’m not a fan of but I can help expand his music horizons.
The school he’s going to is non negotiable we don’t have a car and there’s not many more around this area.
His friends are lovely and he’s very popular. I know changes starting at this age are typical but I’m monitoring them.
Also, again, he is limited access to the internet and no chat enabled on anything not even WhatsApp. I don’t mind him FaceTiming friends but his YouTube etc is linked to mine so I see everything and he’s not on there a lot. That’s how I know about the drag make up videos. Thanks to all for advice and experiences, I have had a starting off mild chat with him and it went well.