Did anyone find it difficult when their son came out?

[notmysundaybests]

It’s just that really, I had my suspicions of course but I did hope that I was wrong .
Does anyone find it hard to cope with? I know people say that it’s not a big deal and people are more accepting these days. I disagree and the thought of the life that my son will live is making me feel very depressed.

Can anyone offer advice? My son is 18.

Hi OP I’m sorry you’re finding this tough

my parents struggled too always worrying that life would be harder for me (lesbian)

that was a lot of years ago

being heterosexual is not a guarantee of an easy life

being gay does not automatically add difficulties

everyones life is different

you need to grieve maternally for the life you thought your son might have and accept him living his life the way he wants to

be proud of him, love him & support him

that will help if life does happen to hit some bumps along the way, which by the way will be a result of being human, not gay

be kind to yourself too you’re entitled to your emotions but don’t expect him to understand them now just show him acceptance and you’ll figure the rest out along the way

I love my life & would not have it any other way

In adult life, I really don’t think being gay is a big issue. Change your perspective to wanting your son to be with someone he loves, who loves him back and is his cheerleader.

Dd1 is 17 and has been with her girlfriend for 18 months. She has fitted into our family really well and it’s not a thing. Her parents are orthodox Christian so very anti gay but have been surprisingly accepting. They were only told this summer but I suspect they had an inkling.

What’s depressing about it? My son is married to a lovely bloke, they have a great life and are happy together.

I’m sorry to say that I don’t understand your response at all.

Hello. My son came out aged about 12. We had our suspicions but he was very young, and very sure. We set aside time for DH and I to talk every night and share our worries. No one else knew (not even younger DD) for about 2 years, apart from my gay cousin who offered advice. I cried every night, sort of mourning what I had expected, panicking about the life he would lead, fear for him etc. We lived in a remote fairly religious bit of Scotland and worried a lot about homophobia, how he would find a community / dates etc. Woukd he lose friends?

We slowly allowed ourselves to get used to the idea. Very slowly. We found we started to get familiar with it and then it became fine. It turned out brilliantly - all our fears were groundless. He became more popular than before, has dozens of friends and lives a very happy life at 25.

Because he was young we found an online (moderated) space and he made friends. He was offered advice from my cousins, if needed (mostly around sexual safety - they are gay Doctors). I also watched gay romance films with him, found him books - essentially brought gay stuff into our normal lives. Having grown up with my cousins, he knew we were not homophobic but we never let on we were struggling at first - it was our problem. Not him.

Be strong. Find time and space to process it. He will live a very happy life and times have changed so there are (thankfully) far fewer struggles than for my generation.

Are you sad because you feel he will face discrimination? Or you just don't like the idea of him with another male?

Thank you @Seahorsesplendour , your lovely post brought tears to my eyes. Your advice sounds perfect ❤️
I am so glad that you are living such a happy life.

What life do you imagine he’ll live?

My son announced at 13 he was bisexual. Then we watched Dr Who. It's the least important thing about him. Now he's got a bit more experience of the world he's firmly gay. Still the least important thing about him.

The only thing I've struggled with is that we do still live in a homophobic world and life as a gay man will be just a little bit more difficult for him and I'd like my children to have as easy a life as possible.

My brother is gay. My dad found it hard when he was told. My brother had realised that he might though and understood. My dad wasnt angry or anything. Just upset and needed a minute. Theyre absolutely fine now. My mum already knew without being told and just told him that. I feel like its very different times than even just 20 years ago and being gay really isn't any kind of stigma. My brother is married to a wonderful man and they have a great life. Your son will too!

This is the key question.

I'm going to assume the former and v will say that thankfully homophobia is lessening.

When my son told me he was bi sexual I gave him the biggest hug and we both cried. He cried because he was worried how I would react. I cried because he was upset. I was a little bit sad that he hadn't told me sooner. We have had lots of chats about safe sex , having boundaries and what he wants from a relationship. He's still my son whatever life style he chooses ❤️💐🙏

Interesting thread that may now be dead. My son, aged 23, recently told us he is bisexual. He know we have many gay friends and cousins and they come and stay with us so he was confident we are not homophobic. I have to confess I have found processing DS being bisexual more complicated than I had thought so I understand how you feel @notmysundaybests. This probably shows my lack of experience of the bi community though I have one very good friend who is bi and we have had family members (now dead) who were as well. Clearly it is a me issue as a mother simply wanting my children's life to be straightforward!

@Cismyfatarse your experience is very helpful in how you acknowledged your feelings and how you worked through these with your DH and supported your son.

DS is a super young man and I'm hugely proud of what he's achieved work and education wise but he has had some mental health issues and as a mother I'd like his life to be a little easier... Being open in his sexuality with more people will hopefully help.

@AdaptingtoChange we are in the same circumstances, I am finding it tough, DH is really struggling with it. We dearly love our son and of course want him to be happy. But we had absolutely had no clue whatsoever, so the news has come as a shock. How are things now, has everyone in your family settled to the change and is your son doing ok?

“you need to grieve maternally for the life you thought your son might have and accept him living his life the way he wants to”

That sentence stood out to me from @Seahorsesplendour . I think it can take time to reframe what you expect your child’s life may be, plus you don’t want them to face any problems, although life is far more equal now.

@Roselilly36 Take time to face the new reality, and then continue as normal. Don’t let it define who he is.

@Gateappreciation yes are right, but it is very new, so still in a state of shock atm.

@Roselilly36 Also, in this day and age, we’re supposed to be cool about coming out announcements, and by admitting you’re finding it hard, it’s feels like you’re admitting you’re homophobic. But that may not be the case. Although your son is still the same son, there’s this part of his life you didn’t know about, and a future you hadn’t expected, and as a mum, you don’t want your children to struggle.

Probably a non pc/woke thing to write but true.

@Silverbirchleaf i think you’re right in what you say, however, the assumption that he will “struggle” more because he’s gay is the issue for me. I had it from my parents as mentioned up thread but actually life got so much better once I was able to be honest about my sexuality.

everyone's life has struggles they just look different for different people and at different times!

@Roselilly36 I can 100% say that his life would be so much harder for him if he couldn’t be honest either to anyone but especially to those he loves.

give yourself some time & self care & accept your reaction and it will change as the shock wears off. Your son hasn’t changed it’s the lense you view him through that is different.

I wonder if one of the struggles you & @notmysundaybests have ( and my parents many years ago!!) is that these conversations force a strange acknowledgment that your children have sexual feelings and heterosexuality means those conversations never really happen so there’s just an unacknowledged acceptance rather than habing to think about it consciously- not sure I’ve explained that particularly well but I hope you get the gist!!

I really do believe that love is love though and falling in love with a good person is the key to an ‘easier’ (for the want of a better word) life rather than the defining factor being what gender that person.

@Roselilly36 yes it is a lot to get your head around isn't it. And also quite a shock. Our DS at Christmas went off to tell his Granny - who was very cool about it. Having come out to all of us as bi our DS soon after met a girl who he is now 'official' with. She is delightful, has been to stay and they are now moving into a house share with a couple of other friends!

I also had a most helpful conversation with my bi friend. She said the important thing to remember is that even if a bisexual person commits to a life long partnership you remain bisexual as part of your identity even if you never act on your attraction to the other sex. In the same way as a heterosexual man will remain attracted to women but remain faithful to their wife. I found this helpful. My bi friend is strong on monogamy and being faithful. Of course lots of people aren't but as we know infidelity isn't dictated by sexual orientation.

If you can find someone to talk to I recommend that. Also normalises everything. And this website is quite cool with all the famous bi people and lots of useful information:

bi.org/en/bi-org/