DD wants to be non binary, age 12

[Y0gamummy]

My DD (just turned 12) has told me that she's not happy being a girl and wants to be gender neutral/non binary. In her mind this should involve a new name and using 'they' pronouns. I've been caught completely off guard and am not sure I'm striking the right balance between keeping open communication and keeping this sensible. I know she has been struggling with puberty and also that she feels like an outsider sometimes amidst other more girly girls in her class so I feel that this is related. My initial response was to say that there are a million different ways to be a girl and it's her choice how she embodies that. I did say that I thought the pronouns and labels were unnecessary and that there were plenty of other ways to be more gender neutral. She has now asked me what I think those ways are and I'm a bit stumped. She dresses exactly as she pleases and that's pretty neutral and she recently had her hair cut short. She is regularly mistaken for a boy now with the short haircut which makes me feel a little sad if I'm honest and confused as to how that is more neutral. She broke her phone a few weeks ago so I've not been able to check it but her search history on laptop shows this to be very recent and mostly searching for info from sources like NHS. Any tips on being supportive and non judgemental but at same time not encouraging her to make big identity decisions when she's only 12 and still figuring everything out? I'm gutted to think she's unhappy in herself and feel out my depth.

I would explain that her sex was fixed at the moment of conception, and that however she dresses, whatever she wants to do, she is a girl, and therefore all those things are “girl” things. There is no such thing as boy or girl things, that is just a mix of stereotypes and personality. Show her the many women who don’t look “girly” in a stereotypical way. Point out that everyone is non-binary..nobody totally conforms to gender norms.
My dds are shocked seeing photos of my 70s/80s peer group from school, mostly short hair, men’s overcoats, no makeup in school at all. Much more freedom to just be ourselves. It’s a shock to me too how it has gone backwards.

Is she possibly autistic? Huge percentage of autistic girls are now presenting in this way.

You need to be monitoring internet use, but sounds like you are already on the case with this.

Do not agree to any name changing or different pronouns. This is not a neutral act as per Cass Review. Read the Cass Review if you’ve not already done so.

Focus on showing your child that you love her. Do not let her see you as transphobic so don’t dismiss her but adopt what is known as a watchful waiting approach.

Try not to show much reaction to this news, but find out if she is suffering from mental health issues like anxiety or depression and get these addressed but you need to be careful that you don’t encounter a string of gender confirming professionals in NHS or privately as medical profession sadly has been captured by trans ideology and has not really changed despite Cass Review.

I’m the mother of a transidentifying child so this advice based on my personal experience and what I wish now I had done.

I want to tell you about my cousin - 43 years old, always had short hair. NEVER worn a dress, presents as if she could be transgender, but isn't. Is a heterosexual woman with a lifelong male partner. Was always a tomboy, was always very active, mentally and physically still is. I guess my point is my cousin is NOT transgender, NEVER was, but I wonder, if she were a teen now, would someone suggest she was - quite possibly. I think transgender people do exist - but I always wonder what proportion are just people who like things more typically liked by the other gender, and before would have been a bit "girly" or "boyish" but now are "trans".

This is a very helpful starter pack guide for parents when children first mention they think they are trans. https://genspect.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/08/Genspect-Parent-Starter-Pack-16-August-Draft.pdf

Hi @Y0gamummy . How are getting on?

I’m in the same boat. 12 yo DD has told me she thinks she’s non-binary. Today she said she thinks she might be trans. To be honest, I’m having a hard time treating the situation with the gravity I probably should, but it seems so cliched and predictable, and she’s so young I just feel like rolling my eyes. I don’t of course, I tell her I love her and that she doesn’t need to rush into anything. This time last year she was a therian, but she seemed to forget about it quite quickly.

I think my DD’s main influence is school rather than the internet. It feel like half the kids in her year are trans/NB/gay/queer.

I love what you said about a million different ways to be a girl/woman, and choosing how to embody it. That’s a brilliant bit of wisdom and beautifully phrased.

I’d recommend switching off the Wi-Fi.

I'm not convinced it is 'kind' to let a child believe they can opt out of their sex.
So better maybe to explore why the DD is thinking this and explain there are a myriad of ways to be female.

This is great advice.

When my daughter was actively gender questioning (she's still at risk of this because she still doesn't like being a girl) we worked together to address the things that made her uncomfortable about herself. She had been wearing clothes from the boy's section for years. I was definitely a little sad when she cut off her long curls but I fully recognised that my preference didn't come into it when she was thirteen.

She hated her breasts so we tried out different sports bras. Her periods started about 6 months after she asked us for puberty blockers to give her time to think (we had already said no at this point) and it's fair to say that the hormones of puberty hit her with an emotional whack. We received support from her GP to go on the pill as she was very distressed about her periods.

Our rule on all this was that having time to explore her thoughts was fine but we wouldn't allow her to do anything that took away from the reality that she is a biological female. She uses a "gender neutral" nickname at school but we said no to any pronoun changes. We did use the nickname at home for a while but eventually she told us we may as well carry on using the nickname she's always had at home. I made a promise to her that I would learn as much as I could about gender identity so that I could support her from a place of informed knowledge. I did lots of research, including being in a trans parents' group for about 2 years, so that I could listen to all different viewpoints. Three years on and I definitely know a lot more than I did about gender identity. I think my daughter now accepts that any social transition carries a risk of entering a pathway into irreversible medical intervention but I still need to take it carefully when discussing everything so that I'm listening to her concerns and not being dismissive.

Ps I should say also that she is autistic.

She was very happy with her body as it was and finds puberty distressing. She also hates the sensory aspect of breast development and periods, as well as the emotional changes in herself and those around her. She doesn't get any of it, including the way that boys start to ogle girls. She definitely wishes none of it was happening.