Trans DS. Very depressed. ******trigger warning suicide******

[AlvinBrioche]

I'm finding parenting extremely hard at the moment. Ds was born male, still wishing to be referred to as he, but wants to be a girl. He's 18 now and desperately wants hormones but it's not something I can afford and I'm very uneducated on the topic, although constantly trying to learn more and understand so I can help him.
Ds doesn't have any GCSEs due to severe dyslexia. Can't get a job and his life has very limited structure at the moment. His sleep is terrible and he very often stays up all night and doesn't wake until the afternoon. I try my best to get him up at a decent time but this isn't always possible and falls on dead/sleeping ears.

I absolutely dread him going out with friends, he always drinks, gets himself into an absolute state and we end up in the situation we're in tonight. This isnt the first time this has happened and im sure it wo t be the last.
Tonight he went out for some drinks with friends and came back around midnight in a wonderful mood, super happy, loving and huggy. He asked for something to eat so I reheated his dinner for him and he trundled off to his room to eat it. I was wide awake so did a few tasks around the house and as I was heading to bed heard some bangs coming from his room, so I popped my head round the door to find he was crying and had thrown some stuff around.
I went over to hug him and he became angry. Said no-one understands him and that he doesn't want to be here any more/can't do this any more. He says he drinks because he can talk more freely and was asking for more alcohol which I said was not going to happen. He's threatened to climb out of a window and do something.......so I've said I won't be leaving him on his own tonight. He's basically thrown a tantrum for the past 2 hours. Tried every trick in the book to get me out of his room but I'm not budging. If he's threatening to harm himself I will be watching him like a hawk.
Our GP is aware of the situation and has prescribed him sertraline but it's made very little help.

I don't know where to turn to for help? I will stay awake tonight to ensure he is safe but where do I turn next. How do I help him. I don't really have the money for a private referral but might be able to borrow some from family. I just don't know what to do or how to help him.

From a very selfish point of view I'm finding this really hard. I'm really mentally exhausted from it and staying up to make sure he's OK. I don't know how I'm going to function tomorrow or look after my other kids.

Mamma, I really don’t know what to say here but I’m conscious of the time and wanted to send you a hand hold across the online space. You’re obviously your child’s safe space. Praying for you both that help comes in the format it’s required - for both of you

You are doing the right thing staying in his room.

There seems to be a lot of overlap with depression and trans and that does concern me but I'll not go in to details.

Your local NHS will have a crisis team, you can either search for it or call 111 and they can direct you.

This is heartbreaking, I'm sorry. If you genuinely think he's going to do something silly there should be a crisis line you can call. I'm not sure how much they do but it may help him feel supported.

Gp is aware but sounds like they've done very little. What about referral to counselling? Different medications?

On the trans side he'll need a referral and should have had one to the children's services. Its concerning he's focused on the hormones, it suggests he thinks they're the answer to all his distress. They're part of a transition but take years to make a difference and have drawbacks, not all trans take meds.

Is he on social media a lot? There's a lot of negativity around being trans and not being able to get meds. It's unlikely he's getting positive messages so may be better to stay off it.

That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you are both going through this.
Keep him safe tonight. Speak to the crisis mental health team as soon as possible. I would also suggest finding him good (probably private) mental health support. Before he makes any decisions regarding making changes to his body he needs to understand where all this is coming from and why he is so distressed. Taking female hormones is not some magic solution which is going to fix his problems. He needs to work through what is triggering how he feels.
I hope he can get the help he needs

I've had many conversations with him around it. That he needs to deal with his mental health stuff before even contemplating hormones as its going to be tough. I think he thinks the hormones will make everything better but I'm not sure they will.
He was referred for counselling a while back but I don't think it helped much.
I think we definitely need to go back to the GP on Monday.

He spends a lot of time on tiktok and I over hear the people he follows. I don't think they're the best influence at all. I think it gives him unrealistic expectations of what life could be like. He's experienced a lot of the negativity, people staring, laughing, making inappropriate comments. So far he seems to take that element in his stride.

He literally begged me to leave him alone and I broke down in tears. I told him I'm too scared to, that he's threatened to hurt himself and I'm scared he'll go through with it. He says he didn't mean it and he won't do it but I said I can't trust him and I love him too much to lose him. I explained every morning I wake up and check he's still here, that he hasn't run away or he's still breathing. I sobbed. I think he needed to hear that......maybe he didn't, but I'm so exhausted I couldn't stop once the flood gates opened. Dh heard me and popped his head round the door and said he'll get up with the little ones in the morning.
He's accepted that I'm sleeping in his room.

I completely agree regarding getting him help before any hormones are taken and I've always said that to him. It's just trying to.find that he'll that's the problem.....although I think now he's 18 it will be easier as we can access adult services now.

i bet the happy young fellow went upstairs and spotted something online that upset him.
take his access to social media away.
stay with him.
i would try (and may require family help and support) a social media detox, a new daily routine, eating healthy and figuring out work/trades/skills to work on towards the future. severe dyslexia can he take oral exams what can be done to get him something under his belt so he can be employable.
something needs to change and it's not his gender/sex whatever.

Youre a fabulous Mum - I hope I have your strength if / when my kids experience mental distress.

Youve done the right thing - what a powerful message you have given him; you are deserving and worthy of my love and protection no matter what.

Another one agreeing he’s looking for external ways to solve his internal pain. My parents were very loving and I had a great childhood - I still grew up as an alcoholic so I really recognise his behaviour. I dabbled with self harm when the alcohol stopped working and no doubt if trans had been the ‘cause’ it is today; I would have looked to that to ‘fix’ me too.

Remortgage the house; take out a loan; ask family members for help - whatever it takes to pay for a long course of therapy to help him address whatever is at the root of this.

He would probably benefit from an AA recovery programme as it’s very little to do with alcohol!! But I appreciate that it’s an extreme step for most so unlikely he’d agree to that but worth sowing the seed?

He’ll be Ok as he has you on his side. Huge hugs for today - be good to yourself you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Sorry to hear things are so tough OP, have you considered contacting this group? They offer support to parents in your situation.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk

As for support for your son, others have made sensible suggestions about contacting GP or mental health services etc.

Although it’s a cliche, getting outdoors, off screens and trying to do a bit of exercise, eat well and sort out sleep would be a really good start too.

On the mental health side, call the crisis team. If setraline isn't working (can take around 6 weeks to take full effect) then the gp has alternatives to offer (citalopram, mitazapine are 2 I can think of) Sometimes getting the dose right requires some tweeking. Don't underestimate that he might be choosing not to take them correctly. If he'll allow you to go to the appointment with him, ask about blood tests, my step son has been extremely depressed for 8 years, gp finally ran blood tests and there's all sorts of imbalances going on which aren't helping. He may also have a hormone imbalance (thyroid, testosterone etc can all show patterns of depression when out of balance)

This sounds really difficult. If they are in education (college etc) this can often be a much easier way to access mental health support or counselling compared to the NHS. In many areas, NHS 111 also has a mental health crisis line. In terms of expressing wanting to be a girl, I would support some experimentation with gender identity and expression - maybe discuss makeup or going out together and buying some clothes that they would feel good in. I think at this point, the most important thing is that they feel your unconditional love and support. It also sounds like they are neurodivergent and they may benefit from going to some sort of youth group or group linked to their special interests where they can meet others who are similar that they may be able to relate to more. If getting a job is unrealistic, a volunteering job might also give them a sense of responsibility and fulfilment that could be really helpful at the moment