My 14 year old daughter came out as trans.

[Fluffyduck02]

My daughter came out to me and her dad as Trans over the weekend, prior to this her sexuality was lesbian but said now she is pansexual.

I have always stated to her that home is a safe space and I will always be here to listen to her as well as being there for her and I'm proud that we have created that space where she feels comfortable to tell me these things but...

I have doubts, for a little bit of context the past year she has struggled with her mental health and I feel she is easily led and quite vulnerable due to this. I have thoughts and feelings around her friend group as well as her girlfriend who over the past couple of years altered who she was as a person in terms of her personality.

Just last year she was persistant she had a medical condition and we spent time going back and forth with the doctors who couldn't find anything wrong , it then came to my attention her girlfriend had a similar condition who is medically diagnosed so this is where the doubts stem from. This put alot of strain on the family and actually due to stress caused myself to not be in a very good space mentally.

I know she has a friend who she speaks to online who is trans -female to male so unsure if there is influence from there. When I asked questions surrounding her being Trans she said she doesn't like to be seen as a girl and likes the pro nouns they/ him. She hasn't changed the way she dresses nor as she asked for a change in style leading up to this.

I'm trying my best to being supportive but I'm struggling as anyone else had experience of this, is this a "phase" , influence as its quite accepting now or something else.

I have made an appointment with her previous therapist to hopefully make more sense of this.

I didn't want you leave your post unanswered OP but I have nothing to offer in the way of experience of dealing with a child who is struggling with their gender.

I have seen this support group offered to other parents who are dealing with this so I hope it can offer you some advice and support.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

I also have no experience of this situation either, but your gut instincts sound justified to me. It does sound as though she's influenced by her girlfriend.
My daughter, now 26, says trans these days is what cutting yourself was when she was at high school.
Speaking to her therapist seems a good place to start.

So my 16 yr old told us he was trans ( ftm) I suspect his trans boyfriend is a big influence but aside from changing his name and pronouns ( and being happier) nothing has fundamentally changed. He has had some counselling in the past and if he wants to fully transition and start taking hormones I will get him more. However he hasn’t discussed any next steps beyond where we are. I found online sources really difficult to navigate as they were all quite biased although I hadn’t found that Bayswater one

i would say a few of his friends translationed at 14 then transitioned back.

It could be a phase. It could be who they are. Either way this is part of their journey now and your job is to let them know they are loved unconditionally.

not to imply it’s an easy road! My kiddo came out as trans at 11 softly and 13 with full force. He is female to male. He is now 14 so it’s been 3.5 years and we are now used to he/him pronouns, the clothes hair etc. it’s a very hard road for them, school, MH, finding their place in the world etc

I felt to begin with I was grieving my daughter. It was very difficult and took us a long while to understand.

I suggest just letting your child know they are loved unconditionally and support them in finding out who they are. They’ll either outgrow it or they won’t, either way they’ll know they are loved.

My DD did this a couple of years ago at a similar age. I told her I supported her in wearing what she wanted and having her hair however she wanted but it's not possible to change sex, non binary isn't a real thing, and I refused to use a different name for her. She seems to have grown out of it now. She was upset with me at the time but I told her I loved her for who she is, and that's a girl. For a while she stopped wearing dresses and skirts but that didn't last long.
Affirming isn't a neutral act and you don't want them going down the route of binders and puberty blockers, they do permanent harm.

I have to say that I agree with @Trovindia. The Cass report also clearly stated that social transitioning is not a neutral act.
We are in a similar situation but our DC wants to medical transition having been affirmed at university for a year. They have an all or nothing mentality and were late diagnosed with autism.
I am very interested to read @deadpan ’s daughter’s observations regarding the similarity with self harm. In my mind identifying as trans is very similar to an eating disorder and primarily revolves around feelings. Some kids seem to snap out of it fairly quickly but others become deeply entrenched. I think for this group social contagion plays a big part.
it’s a minefield to navigate. We can only hope to get through to adulthood (25 & beyond) without any irreversible damage.

Thankyou for all the replies, it offers some sort of comfort to know that I'm not the only one trying to navigate this new world we seem to be in.

Binders have been brought up in conversation and I have stated that is not going to happen and explained all the risks and health complications. I said I'm all for buying baggy tshirts if it offers any more comfort as that seems to be the issue at the moment not wanting to be seen as a girl and she dislikes her breasts. I have been very honest with my responses and stated that as it stands she is biological a girl and that is not going to change at the moment.

We have suspected she also has autism as she displays autistic traits so we are going ahead with pushing for an autism assessment referral.

I have had conversations with her how its not that easy or accessible as just deciding. The more I sit and think about it the more I think this is just her being swayed by the social norms now.

@Kalalily My daughter also has a all or nothing mentality so once something is in her head she runs with it until something else comes along.

@Fluffyduck02 if you haven’t done so already, maybe get her sports bras. I am so grateful to spaces like this where we can talk freely. Unless it’s your child going through it, it is impossible to understand. That’s how ‘bekind’ became the reason schools etc went down the affirmative route. There is no scientific data to back it up and mounting evidence to the contrary.

@Kalalily Yeah it took me alot to Post on here but I was stuck in my head about it all thinking am I awful mum because I'm just not buying into it 100%. I think I am pretty open minded person but I suppose when it's happening to your child it's a different story.

I said I'm happy to get some sports bra's to see if that will make her feel better.

I'm in the thick of it too and am a non-affirming parent who is grieving the situation and my son (21) is pushing me to accept and affirm. I have confirmed my love for him but through everything he has told me - there are countless reasons to be suspicious so I will not affirm - we know our kids and a trans identity coming out of the blue around puberty (which he has told me) is not useful. I'm also a research student in Psychology at Masters level and planning a Phd in developmental psychology. ADHD/autism can also present at this time due to hormonal changes. It's not a "new world" its something that has always been there but in recent years it's been pushed onto children. Please see GETAClinicalGuide2022.pdf and Gender Dysphoria Support Tool — Genspect and About Us | Our Duty. There is also the medical group Clinical Advisory Network on Sex and Gender – #FirstDoNoHarm For balance, here is an article on parents from a pro-trans author (male, married, no kids) https://juliaserano.medium.com/understanding-the-anti-trans-parent-movement-90d126de1fc9
You are not alone and sadly won't be the last until we get back to safeguarding puberty and evidence based sex education in schools.

Well done Mum! you are not buying it - excellent. Have you written to your school? There are parents on Our Duty who have done that and if there is suspected neurodivergence that is a disability so additional safeguarding required. Is there a history of hypermobility in the family? A Clinicians Guide | The HMSA

That's an interesting perspective. My son has admitted self-harm

There's a lot of distress that kids identifying as trans seem to suffer from mentioned in the Cass report. From what I've seen online "trans" has a saviour like image, pushed by some (and if I've seen some there will be more) advocates/activists. Almost like "if you feel any kind of depression or distress it must be because you're trans". I think there needs to be a complete overhaul - which we know won't happen - of social media and the internet in general regarding algorithms. Because I've watched a few GC things on YouTube I now get anti migrant and maga suggestions coming through (neither of which I agree with or are interested in). Kids are so suggestible.

Lots of great advice already on this thread. This pack was published today by Genspect and has a lot of advice and links to evidence and resources.
https://genspect.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/08/Genspect-Parent-Starter-Pack-16-August-Draft.pdf