DS wants testosterone for his bday

[lonewolfmum91]

Evening all, not really sure what I’m after but feeling totally lost. DS (15, 16 end of Aug) came out as a trans boy about 3 years ago. Wasn’t a shock - he’s always been more comfortable being seen as a boy and I’ve supported him all the way. Changed name, pronouns, school sorted it all. I just want him to be happy and feel like himself.

Thing is he’s been really struggling for a while. He’s got an ED, self harms and has been saying suicidal stuff on and off for months. It’s all been building. He made it through GCSEs somehow but he was barely holding it together. He told me a few days ago that all he wants for his birthday is to go on testosterone. Said if I won’t do private with him, he’ll DIY and get it online.

I said no. Not forever - just not now. He’s not in a good place mentally and I don’t think it’s safe. That set him off.

The meltdown was awful. He started crying and pacing, then shouting at me that I don’t care about him, that he doesn’t want to be alive anymore, that if he can’t transition he doesn’t see the point. He slammed the kitchen door so hard it cracked and knocked stuff off the worktop. Then he just dropped to the floor and started sobbing, full on. He said over and over “I want to die, I can’t do this anymore.” His sister (12) was upstairs and heard it all - she came down crying, totally panicked. She wouldn’t sleep in her own bed last night. Said she’s scared he’s going to die and asked if he was going to kill himself. I didn’t even know what to say.

I’m on my own with them. Their dad sees them but isn’t involved emotionally - not someone they can lean on. CAMHS are “involved” but it’s been months since anything happened, we’re stuck in limbo. GP was sympathetic but just said to wait it out and keep him safe in the meantime. I’ve taken his phone for now because I’m worried about what he’s looking at online but I know that’s not a proper fix.

I do support him - 100%. I believe him and I’m not against hormones when the time’s right. I just don’t think now is it. He’s too unwell and I’m terrified something will go badly wrong if he rushes it or tries to do it himself.

I feel totally out of my depth.

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through.
Honestly I think the risk of this kind of escalation is why a lot of parents don’t affirm straight away and don’t encourage a social transition at school etc when the child is young. It sets the kid on a path that gets harder and harder to deviate from as they get older and go deeper into committing to the trans identity and the attached subculture.
You sound like a loving parent who has done nothing but try to support your child, with the best intent, and you still are. It sounds tough that the dad is disengaged/ emotionally no use support wise. You’re doing your best and sound like a lovely mum.
Would your DC agree to see a therapist next, as part of the “going private” route they are trying to demand? You can choose the therapist very carefully- not an affirmation focussed trans agenda therapist but a proper therapist who will explore everything and not push a certain path. This could buy more time and help your DC think things through and feel supported.

So sorry to read this heartbreaking situation OP. Would you consider reaching out to Bayswater support group?

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk

You are right in thinking this age is much too young for this type of hormone treatment.

So sorry to hear what you are all going through as a family OP. We too have a child pushing for hormones and, like you, we say that they need to deal with feelings first. Easy to say, hard to do. Eating Disorders are about feelings and control so there is definitely a lot of stuff to work through.
I suspect that ten years ago families like ours would have still being going through tough times due to autism etc but we wouldn’t have had the additional pressure of medical transition. Our kids would have worked through things with therapy and learned to tolerate distress. Now they are being sold a quick fix by some unscrupulous health care professionals who don’t care to treat the underlying conditions.
OP you sound like an amazing mum who only wants the best for your child. It’s a lonely place to be but remember that you are not alone.