9 year old daughter low mood

[Hevasparkle]

Hi, not sure if this is the most appropriate topic forum but I guess it can always be moved.

my daughter is 9 and has always been into what would traditionally be considered “boys things”. She choses all her clothes from the boys section and wears trousers to school. She is also on the ASD pathway and constantly wears a baseball cap which we think is a sensory need as she states she feels secure in it. I also wonder if there is an aspect of trying to hide her face from people - she used to be very confident and extroverted but over the last year she’s become less sure of herself and doesn’t seem to want to be noticed.

she has two close friends who are both boys. some of the girls at school have teased her about being “boyish” but it does seem to have settled down since teachers spoke to them about respecting others choices etc.

She’s showing signs of having started puberty and with this has come an interest in other girls. She has only told me so far but I can tell she’s struggling with it as all the other girls are interested in boys and she is really starting to feel different in this regard.

everywhere she goes people mistake her for a boy, and there was an incident in toilets last week where some teenage girls questioned what “he”was doing in the girls toilets. This has really knocked her confidence and she now won’t go to the loo on her out when we are out. She is aware that dressing the way she does is going to make her stand out but she doesn’t feel comfortable dressing in anything more conventionally “girly”.

she seems so low much of the time recently and it’s heartbreaking. She does talk about her feelings and we have a lovely relationship which is good. I feel she is becoming more isolated the older she gets. I am trying to support her in what she wants to do. Other adults within the wider family are of the view I give her too much choice and she should have to fit in more i.e. she creates all these problems herself.

I know there are no answers but I guess I’m just looking for insight from others who have had similar experiences themselves or with their DC’s?

Just wanted to post to say I'm sorry that your daughter is having a tough time at the moment. My DD is gay and certainly not 'girly' but she's 22 and seemed to cope with puberty fairly well. She did have a really tough time in year 8 with a friendship issue and I remember how horrible it is when your previously cheery child withdraws into herself. I would say that doing activities like Scouts and a local children's drama group really helped her develop her self-confidence as a teenager and gave her somewhere to fit in and develop skills. Does your daughter have any interests such as sport or drama? Those areas would both be very accepting of gender non-conforming girls. The other thing I have done with my daughter is long-distance walks together which is a bit niche but was a nice way to take on a challenge together and also just share an experience when we could talk while doing something else. It's lovely that you have a good relationship and can talk with your daughter I'm sure that you are well placed to support her.

Hi OP you sound like a lovely mum!

My wife was really sporty as a kid and got forced into wearing ‘girly’ stuff by my MIL. It really helped breakdown their relationship for her teenage years and as an adult she, at times, lacks confidence on how to dress for typically gendered events (such as weddings where there is an expectation women will wear dresses). It’s a shame to see how it’s impacted her to be honest. I just wanted to give you the reassurance that your family are likely a bit old school saying that she should just ‘fit in’. I doubt she is trying to make her own life hard, quite admirable at 9 that she is staying true to herself despite the challenges it’s throwing up.

I do think it’s tricky to grow up feeling different. I would expect once she gets to senior school there might be a bit more of a diverse mix of girls though!

Hi OP, I don't have much advice but lots of empathy. My 9 year old is also on the ASD pathway, she started puberty at 7 and has been interested in girls since around age 8. She's also experiencing some gender dysphoria, I think a lot of it is questioning all the many different thoughts and feelings she's experiencing so young, and being neurodiverse as well adds a whole other dimension to that. Happy to chat more here or in PM's if you like?