Needing to talk about DS

[Rememberyesterday]

I want to respect DS's privacy so feel unable to discuss this with family or close friends but I need to talk about this.

Up until a few years ago DS only showed an interest in girls. He is quite quirky. He had asked 3 girls out. They all turned him down which he was very upset about.

He made a new group of friends, all male. A particular name kept coming up and in a joke I asked was there a bit of a bromance going on. DS then said, yes G is my boyfriend. I'm bi.

They were both attending the same school. It lasted about 6 months and the other person finished it.
A while after, DS told me that G had liked unusual things. Without going into details it involved 'baby' things and bodily functions.

He then met his new partner who has several friends, one who is transitioning. This latest partner discussed taking medication bought online to make them more androgynous but I don't think they've went through with it.

DS voluntarily showed me a photo of his partner dressed in a skirt and knee high socks like in Anime. I was shocked but DS thought it looked lovely.

DS has grown his hair to shoulder length and a few days ago I was putting some bedding away in DS's room and in the drawer there was a bikini, baby doll underwear and a floaty dress. Yes I could have closed the drawer without looking any further.

I was so shocked and my head is reeling. I just don't know where this will all end and I'm so worried and frightened for DS and I need to talk to someone about it.
I just don't know who DS is anymore.
Please help me navigate this. I love DS with all my heart but it is breaking.

Sorry you are having a worrying time op.

How old is DS ?

Also perhaps I’m overly innocent/ignorant but I’m not grasping the unusual “baby things.” I’m guessing the bodily functions is some sort of golden shower or faecal fetish?

Also is his Dad around?

DS is 20.
Yes his dad is around and knows about DS having a boyfriend but can't accept the situation and doesn't want/refuses to talk about it.

The baby things that I know of were wearing a nappy and soiling it.

That’s really tricky. He’s a bit older than I thought he might have been.

It does strike me from your post that it seems to have been this group of friends who triggered it all. Is it a group that may split and go their separate ways a( eg after uni for example ?)

Yes this group is in an educational type setting but I think if they loose touch DS will fall in with the same type of people.

One of the reasons I was so shocked is DS was always very GC. Then he got involved in online chat with people in the US, some of whom were either gay, thinking about transitioning or were making allegations about sexual abuse in the home. All very disturbing. I think it was during this time that DS changed his sexual preferences.

He made a comment the other night which rang alarm bells. He stays up most nights until 3/4 in the morning gaming. When I asked him why he stays up so late he said there's a lot of peer pressure to do so.

It made me wonder what else he felt peer pressured into.

I can see why that comment would bother you. It’s always difficult to feel that people are being led by others. I think what is very hard here is that at 20 it’s really hard for you to have much influence in it all. Realistically, there comes a point when we have to just accept our children’s choices.

I know that’s very easy to say, not so easy to do.

When he was at school, he had a 6 month relationship with another boy who liked wearing nappies and shitting in them? This is not remotely a normal teen experience, have you reassured him it's okay to not be okay with that.

I think that all you can do at 20 is to try and get him excited about his future, distract from the sissy porn, manga things as much as possible. Busy people with great social lives and hobbies don't have as much time for these internet rabbit holes.

Does he live at home? He needs a part time job with people who talk about normal things and have better boundaries. If he's at home, it's not unreasonable to expect him to keep normal hours either, the gaming and internet chatting with god knows who go hand in hand.

Yes the hours might be a good place to start op.

If you could get him away from the internet groups. The truth is when it’s online you don’t even know they are telling the truth about their life experiences and choices.

But i appreciate that at 20 it’s a bit hard for you to have much influence.

It’s unhelpful that his dad is blind and deaf to it all. You could do with the support really.

@LadyQuackBeth DS didn't have many friends at school and still doesn't. Even though he loves company and is always trying to arrange days/nights out no one is interested.

He was always interested in sport and would play hockey, tennis and go to watch his favourite football team. That has all stopped now.

I remember before he started having any relationships with males, he said, I just want someone to love me and I said, Dad and I love you but I know it's not the same as romantic love, but please don't be going looking for it in the wrong places. Meaning don't be with just anyone because you're desperate to be loved. He didn't answer.

This is exactly what he's done.
He's starting Uni in September and has been trying to find a job.

I've told him that he can talk to me about anything and I will never stop loving him whatever choices he makes in life.

DH was devastated when DS told him. It's made him depressed. He said he doesn't want to hear or know about what's happening. That's his way of dealing with it

I think you’ve said all you can op.

The advice about don’t put up with anyone just to be loved is the right advice, and saying he can always talk to you is very valuable. His dad’s attitude makes it hard when you are trying to emphasise how loved he already is.

When you mentioned about the friends and no one being interested etc, it sounds as though he really struggles socially. Do you think an assessment could be helpful? Perhaps he has some need of support with social issues?

In any case, I hope he finds a nice group at university who will steer him away from all this.

If I were you and given he has a chance at a “ fresh start” in September, I would take a deep breath and have a heart to heart with him.

Say it as you feel it: he’s a lovely guy who deserves friends and to be loved but you feel he’s taken some wrong turns down internet rabbit holes. Discuss the idea that university is a fresh start, talk about some of the clubs etc he could look to join and I would go so far as to suggest he doesn’t talk freely about some of these more left-field tastes his crowd have displayed. Obviously if that’s really who he is, then he needs to be able acknowledge it, but it sounds as though he has gone along with to fit in with the wrong crowd to me. He needs to show who he is, but none of us need to display the attitudes of others. It may be he would actually feel relief to have you state some of this.

I think the risk is if you aren’t honest he may not grasp the opportunity to reassess where he is at socially, and this will waste an ideal opportunity for him to meet new people.

In any case, I hope he finds a path and friends you feel more comfortable with at uni.

Thank you all for your kind replies.

I am sorry you are going through this worrying situation with your ds and that your dh is not able to provide you with support at this time.

I think there are a multiple issues going on with your ds beyond what seems to be sexual fetishes (the baby clothes and the anime). He sounds like he struggles socially, is vulnerable to manipulation
and lacks boundaries.

Can you get him to reduce the internet use? I know this is easier said than done. Maybe say you as a family are limiting use of phones and tech and that WiFi will be switched off at a certain time each night. I should have done this and maybe now I wouldn’t have an autistic daughter who thinks she’s a boy.

Can he be helped with social skills and do you think he could be autistic and, if so, would a diagnosis help him?

He also needs to understand boundaries and that he should not go along with things he feels uncomfortable with. Perhaps a therapist could help him here?

@Nightmare2022 I'm so sorry about the situation with your DD. We feel so helpless as parents because we love our children and just want them to be happy.
I do think there are some SEN issues there as he has a very limited diet, hates the smell of certain foods and doesn't make eye contact.

I was paying for private counselling for him for depression and erratic mood swings. He stopped as he said he felt better.

He's been to his GP and has been put on a waiting list for an ADHD assessment but the waiting list for adults is 5+ years. Even private diagnosis is a year with some specialists having closed their lists.

The person he's with has an autism diagnosis and DS gives him lots of support.