Daughter is due to go to an all girls secondary and now thinks she may be bigender - help!

[Caro382]

My DD age 11 is due to start at an all girls secondary school in September. It isn't our closest school, but she had her heart set on so I was very relieved when she was offered a place. It seems like a lovely school and she still really wants to go. However, I got a phone call from one of her teachers the other day to say my daughter had told her that she thinks she's bi-gender.

Spoke to my daughter and she says that she sometimes feels like a girl and sometimes like a boy. She doesn't feel she wants to change her pronouns or dress differently. She's aware that the school she's going to everyone wears skirts etc and she's ok with that. I don't think it had even occurred to her that identifying as anything other than female might be a problem at an all girls school - in all honesty I don't really know how it would work myself as this has come a bit out of the blue.

As background, my daughter has been very interested in LGBTQ+ questions and rights for several years and has said she'd rather marry a girl than a boy since she was 3. I'd often thought she might come out as gay at some point, but she's never given the impression of not feeling she herself is a girl before. She's also hit puberty in the past year and her body has changed a lot and fast which I know she feels qute awkward about, but I've always previously had the impression of this being about not feeling ready to 'grow up' more than necessarily gender related.

I've obviously told her that I love her whatever, and have contacted a local charity for LGBTQ+ people of all ages and their families to ask if there are options for her to talk to someone who might 'get it' a bit better than me. But how on earth do I handle the question of how to talk to the school she's not even at yet about this? Or would it be better to wait until she's had a chance to talk it through with someone from the charity?

Also she wants to do a talk to her class about being bigender before they finish school in July. I don't think this is a good idea at all until she's had more time to explore what it means to her, as she'll probably get asked a load of questions she can't answer and end up feeling worse than if she'd given herself more time. I'm a bit pissed off with the teacher for letting her think a presentation to the whole class was a good idea to be honest.

School allocations have happened for her year/ our area now so if she can't go to the all girls school she's chosen then our only option is to go to the school admissions people and see what spaces are left at schools which are under subscribed, and then scrambled to figure out new transport arrangements by September as I'm a single parent and work full time.

Does anyone have any advice or has been in a similar position? WTF do I do?

I just said to my dd repeatedly ‘see how you feel at 18 then you can decide what to do’

I think as well at 11 with the start of puberty etc it’s an anxious time for some girls especially if change is difficult. Often it can be easier and feel safer to feel you can side step into something else that could delay that ? To indulge that is just misleading what she needs is reassurance and to have the tools to deal with any changes and lots of support and validation in that way not to have validation for an unhealthy coping strategy.

Her school is single sex not single gender so that’s fine as her biological sex is still female and always will be.

If she doesn’t want to conform to gender stereotypes, that’s fine of course.

If she isn’t heterosexual, or isn’t sure, that’s fine of course.

I would be reassuring her that there are all sorts of ways to be female and it absolutely does not mean conforming to the stereotyped version displayed on Insta etc.

If she doesn’t feel right in herself then talk about why that might be, it may be that she feels under pressure to conform to a certain style or group, or that she struggles socially, or hormonal mood swings. Unfortunately there has been a recent trend for teens to jump straight to gender as a “why I don’t feel happy or like I fit in” when the reality is that teens have been feeling unhappy and like they don’t fit in for generations ….

ETA: Sorry I’ve written teens but the same applies to 10/11 year old girls as the hormones are well and truly in place (I have a very moody and spotty 10 year old girl)

All of this.
The presentation idea is the absolute epitome of ' Look at meeee' and may not get her the reaction she thinks it will.I would strongly discourage.

DS is in yr 7 at an all boys grammar school.

There are 2 girls in his year. He refers to them as 'she' in conversation but otherwise doesn't seem to care at all.

The school will just roll with it.

It's really common at the moment so it won't be their first rodeo by a long stretch.

Agree that her doing a 'talk' to the class may bring about more issues, though.

Agree with this 100%

Yes. As for doing a talk to the class? She will regret it and I very much hope the school will not allow it.

If she wants to go to that school, absolutely let her. Maybe try to see if they have any policies around trans/nonbinary students to make sure she would feel supported and comfortable if she does keep identifying as bigender. Just keep being supportive and keep open communication with her, you'll do great!

No matter how she feels, op, she will always be female, so you’re fine to send her to the girls’ school.

Keep the place at the girls’ school and don’t say anything to the school yet. She is a girl, she’s happy with the girls’ school, and they will have dealt with this and more loads of times before if indeed they ever need to get involved. It might even blow over before she gets there.

Be very very careful encouraging her to speak to the charity- they may affirm and encourage rather than just support. She’s better off just being supported by usual support networks in a neutral wait and see way.

Personally I would either work with the teacher to help her get a totally different topic for presentation/ drop the whole idea, or encourage the presentation to change focus a bit to something more LGBT generic. Eg. introducing the concept of Pride and how it’s celebrated around the world, or the history of and a celebration of equal marriage. Not focussed on herself and her gender.

Definitely go through her phone with fine toothed comb, as the start of investigating where she’s got this from!

Exactly this..
OP, you don’t need to indulge this in order to show your daughter that you care about her. Definitely don’t let this influence school choice. Focus on self esteem and enjoying being who she is without labels.

BTW, I think it’s really normal for girls that age (and younger) to prefer the idea of ‘marrying’ a girl. It makes sense - as their friends tend to be other girls. Don’t read too much into it.

This thread reminds me of the one where the OP's kid was being teased at school because of his first name. OP was considering having it changed by deed poll...
Show those bullies / gender woo proponents who's boss eh?

DD12 is at an all girls senior school.

The entire student body is so LBGTQ+ positive and I’ve seen numerous students at her school who are either non-binary or presenting as male.

She has a few friends already (only Y8) who she refers to as ‘they’ and there is zero drama or negativity around any of it.

Also numerous openly gay teachers.

I can’t imagine a co-ed school being as accepting if I’m honest. A friend of mine chose the school precisely because her son was struggling so much in his previous school with how miserable he felt (was still a girl at that point). She has said before that sometimes she feels that the school saved his life. I do think, especially at teenage, that girls are more accepting and so an all girls school is the easier option.

@MarketSt Have you read the Cass review?

presmably it’s a girls school which has a coed sixth form which is not unusual

She is 11...

This is not the time to be concerned about nonsense like this.

I would tell your daughter that she is a girl but that does not mean that defines her personality and interests and that she does not have to follow the stereotypical ways that society portrays girls.

Meaning the 'feeling like a boy' might mean she simply is not into so called 'girly' stuff and that''s perfectly fine.

The teachers should not be entertaining a throwaway comment by an 11 year old.

She was a girl and therefore is perfectly at home in an all girl school.

I would encourage her to develop interests/hobbies outside school so she can develop her self-confidence as well.

I’d be furious if my year six child had to sit through a presentation being bigender from a classmate.

Just because your eleven year old child has been exposed to inappropriate content on the internet does not mean I want mine to have to be ‘educated’ on it.

A friend of mine chose the school precisely because her son was struggling so much in his previous school with how miserable he felt (was still a girl at that point). She has said before that sometimes she feels that the school saved his life. I do think, especially at teenage, that girls are more accepting and so an all girls school is the easier option.

But the problems occur later, when that child changes their mind. My best friends dd told her she was a boy about three years ago. My friend really ran with it. Everyone was told. The child chose a different name. Hair was cut. Combat shorts purchased .

Friend told her to something called Rainbow Group where the child was much celebrated for her bold decision. Friend had the child on on NHS pride float in butterfly wings. Hoorays from all sides. Much praise on social media.

In March child took an overdose. She was taken to hospital, stomach pumped. Was admitted to a psychiatric unit first three weeks.

A month later the child told her mother that she felt like a girl. She had been worried about telling her. Didn’t want to let her down after the floats and butterfly wings with the people at her mother’s work.

She’s 11. She is very young & suspectible to new ideas. Why does she feel like a boy? Is it a sport they do, clothes they wear.

i grew up in a very gender stereotype home. Girls wear pink, boys blue. Boys did ‘boys things’. Girls wore pink & sat around playing with dolls & being quiet. I did not quite fit that mould and did lots of outdoor things but never felt like I was a boy.

she needs to understand the difference between sex and gender and gender stereotypes. She should be doing a presentation on that rather than being bigender.

You need to restrict her internet access pronto & find out what the school policy is on this. This is where all this has come from. Review the apps she has on her phone.

https://www.internetmatters.org/advice/apps-and-platforms/social-media/

Thank goodness some sensible posts..if the child is only 11, why has she been interested in LGBTQ for some years! It's a very depressing sign of the times, children aren't children anymore. My DD at 10, had a best friend who wanted to be a boy,has her hair cut,played mostly with boys. A couple of years down the line,she's. the girly girl make up glitter, she doesn't even remember this phase. My DD at 14 had the most dreadful painful periods, she begged to become male, hysterectomy, she's expecting her 4 th baby.it terrifies me that some kids will go down the path hormone treatment surgery and be left sterile and messed up for life.

I forgot to add this . It’s the run like a girl advert. Might be worth showing her this and see what she thinks of it.

This.
There’s no such thing as bigender. Your daughter is female.

Different obviously, but when I was 13 I told my mum I was bisexual. She told me to not label myself yet as I'm too young and to just figure myself out. I am, still bisexual but having her tell me I don't need labels yet did really help me not rush into anything.