15 y/o DS thinks he's transgender

[DaringRedLemur]

My 15 year old son has recently told me that he is transgender. For context he is very academic and has a great interest in (concerningly right-wing) politics and strategy games (So much so that he has an odd flag from one of his games up in his room). He has some friends who seem similar to him, although when he was younger he was bullied quite harshly. I've known he was gay for half a year, and while he wasn't an obviously flamboyant gay type i wasn't exactly shocked when he came out to me. However, recently he's told me that he believes he's transgender. I was somewhat suspicious when he told me since he never really showed any signs beforehand, though he has had several "secret" items of women's clothing in his room for about a year. I suggested changing his name or wearing women's clothing at home but he was skeptical since he worried that his friends wouldn't accept him, and said he didn't want to dress up as a girl in public till he was in 6th form (he's in year 10 now). I brought up the fact that it wasn't possible for him to take hormones until he was 16-17 due to the laws surrounding those kind of things and he seemed to be fine with that but did say that he would like to take them eventually. Is there anything else I should do? How can I help him?

I do think you need to consider his interest in right wing politics and wanting to be a girl. If he things being gay is wrong (as perpetuated by the right wing) then he thinks he can stop being gay by becoming a girl. He needs support to be comfortable with being a gay boy. I think it’s very telling that he doesn’t want to change name or wear female clothes, it’s because he doesn’t actually want to be female, he feels that he needs to erase being gay. This is what you need to support him with.

So glad your child finally found their fit with a correct diagnosis and subsequent support.

This is the problem isn't it - the LGBTQIA+ club has become a bit culty. (more so the T bit)

A friend of mines daughter went through a 'trans' phase as she was being bullied for playing rugby as a girl by some of her peers sadly.

Unfortunately mum spoke to a very avid member of the LGBTQIA+ movement who encouraged her to send her daughter (aged 10) to an LGBTQIA+ club for kids. This person encouraged mum to use the new boy name and starting heavily investing in the 'case' counselling the mum in these pressurising ways on how to 'support ' her child in his right to live as a 'boy'.

I held my head in my hands when she revealed this to me (she'd kept it all secret) I think out of fear and bewilderment. I told her that in scenarios like this you must seek neutral support from neutral people with no hard agendas either way.

The daughter , with the help of her loving family and actual friends, eventually realised that it was ok to be a girl that plays rugby ! It didn't mean she was a boy!

Advice giver more or less accused the mum of turning her daughter 'against ' the movement. This woman is the least 'political' or calculated person i know. She literally stayed utterly neutral.

It's frightening how some of these "clubs" can start indoctrinating children and it's promoted by schools and government. Children don't need to be exploring adult themes in primary school. Yes some children will know they're gay early on, but this shouldn't trump the need to keep minor's safe from the harms of transitioning movements

Is he also ND? Questioning gender is more common in ND kids, as they feel out of synch and like a square peg in a round hole even more than most teens. However, you all need to have a long talk about how gender is a social construct, and there’s no such thing as women’s clothes or men’s clothes, just clothes. A skirt doesn’t make him a girl, nor does a bra, or painted nails, or longer hair, or lipstick. Any person of any sex can wear those things, just like any person of any sex can have short hair and wear trousers. If he gets a thrill from wearing his ‘secret clothes’ it’s not because he’s a girl trapped in a boys body, it’s autogynephila, which is a fetish.

Point out that taking hormones and having surgery won’t make him a woman, it will just make him a cosmetically altered sterile man.

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2004-19367-006

I actually think this is a bit different to the normal "coming out as trans," as he isn't actually wanting to do or change anything and isn't expecting anything from you.

This reads to me as a child wanting reassurance that he isn't trans, after feeling a bit railroaded by peers/online. So do try and get him to socialise more irl and be offline as much as possible. It'll be a relief for him. Also reiterate that's he's perfect as he is, that being gay is totally fine and he doesn't have to change.

"Unfortunately mum spoke to a very avid member of the LGBTQIA+ movement who encouraged her to send her daughter (aged 10) to an LGBTQIA+ club for kids. This person encouraged mum to use the new boy name and starting heavily investing in the 'case' counselling the mum in these pressurising ways on how to 'support ' her child in his right to live as a 'boy'."
@SquashedMallow

We were signposted to a similar support club. I used my DC's new name too (quite a neutral name choice). I met with the adults who ran the club online and did raise the trans focus as possibly a new 'special interest' as DC was utterly absorbed by it all. (Special interests are common in the neurodivergent). This was something they did take on board to be fair.

However, what changed it for me was meeting parents of other children at the club online, hosted by the adults running it (an adult who was trans). It was just an echo chamber and no questioning or dissent was accepted in any way. I left after two sessions and didn't go back. My DC asked why I didn't attend anymore and I was honest as to my reasons why.

As DC got older, they started questioning some of the things they heard and witnessed at the club, things they didn't feel were supportive of others struggling. Eventually DC left the club of their own accord, coming to the same conclusion I did.

No @yourlocaltransypwe are not transphobic, we just tell the truth and don’t let TRA’s bully us into silence. There are some genuine sufferers of dysphoria who need lots of support and sometimes a surgical/hormonal intervention, but every teenager that questions their gender identity isn’t a transsexual, (the correct term, because sex is a physical biological fact and gender is a social construct of stereotypes and misogyny) they are just not comfortable fitting themselves into the rigid stereotypes society is trying to funnel them in to. Wearing a dress, growing your hair and putting on make up and heels doesn’t make you a woman. Being a woman isn’t a feeling, it’s a physical reality. No one can change sex, but they can reject gender stereotypes and wear, do, enjoy what ever the fuck they like, irrespective of their genitals.

I despair of these threads, and Mumsnet really isn’t a safe space for parents seeking genuine support for themselves or their family, the nefarious links to conversion therapy groups, and similar ‘associations’ makes this entire forum an utter no-go zone for vulnerable persons.

Mermaids is the only to go place, or Gendered Intelligence.

can you be specific about what group you mean by conversion therapy group please?

DaringRedLemur

as i have said in previous threads if someone is adverse to you getting different opinions or advice then they don’t have your best interests at heart

People on the spectrum are much more likely to say they are transgender. I work with children and every single trans young person has either been ASD or on an assessment pathway.

What help has he had to either have this assessed or if already diagnosed interventions to support him to understand himself?

This will be at the core of it, children like this reach out for something to explain why they feel different to other people, not recognising yet or understanding that all people feel different and odd but particularly if you're on the spectrum and that it doesnt mean he isnt male (which isnt possible anyway)

AGP is a sexual fetish and as such, is not always "harmless".

Why would parents go to a charity who were found to have been mismanaged and are refusing to accept the findings of the Cass Review?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c154glwppwxo.amp

As for Gendered Intelligence, please just avoid.

This needs to be repeated, regularly.

you're correct in that not every person questioning their gender identity is trans, but allowing people a safe space to do so is always gonna be what's best for their mental health and for their relationships, especially with parents. nobody is saying that the second someone starts questioning their gender they should be put on hrt and given surgeries, but invalidating someone's queries will be harmful, usually regardless of whether they're trans or not, because it shows a lack of trust and compassion.

So sharing it with a complete stranger in private who suggests secrecy is better? And doesn't raise safeguarding red flags?

Ok then.

Never engage privately with someone on the internet you know nothing about is internet safety 101.

I despair of these threads, and Mumsnet really isn’t a safe space for parents seeking genuine support for themselves or their family, the nefarious links to conversion therapy groups, and similar ‘associations’ makes this entire forum an utter no-go zone for vulnerable persons.

I've written extensively on MN about the harm, denying reality does to family members and how it effectively encourages abusive behaviour by some. The trans widows threads also highlight the point.

This is completely taboo as a subject because of bullshit saying you MUST affirm and you are not allowed to question. This is unhealthy - it's authoritarianism at its worst. And as a result these voices aren't often heard with regard to how much harm it's doing.

There's discussion now about the harms to gender questioning children - and how it's linked to being gay, being autistic, sexual abuse and family breakdown - the question mark over trauma needs to be acknowledged because these issues are going untreated because gender identity is promoted as the magic bullet when it's known it's absolutely not appropriate for all children. This is failing so many kids. We need to be HONEST about this rather than smearing people and the whole of MN.

This was even the exact line that Mermaids itself had until it was taken over by Susie Green and driven by her personal agenda.

This is an ideological runaway train.

All other medical / psychological issues understand that there is NEVER a one size fits all approach. Ever. It's ridiculous to suggest there is for this too. Why? Because there is an understanding that humans are complex and not all the same and more often than not there are comorbidities / other underlying issues.

Whenever you are told you MUST do something, by anyone in relation to medicine or well being, you should ALWAYS pause and ask why. It's unhealthy to blindly accept, because it gives power away to others who may not necessarily have your best interests at heart. It is unwise to fail to understand this, even with people in positions of authority simply because we know abuses of power are unfortunately rife. This doesn't mean you ultimately reject the recommendation, but you do need to understand it in full and understand alternative outcomes to make an informed decision. You can't make an informed decision if you fail to listen...

Why is it concerning to you that he favours right wing politics? What does that have to do with him thinking he’s trans? If anything the trans thing is championed by those on the left. It sounds like he spends all his time on the internet.

After today's ruling he'll know he's still a man and perhaps find another outlet for his confusion.
A positive one would be taking up a new sport (men's team), or learning a new skill (language, music etc.).

@yourlocaltransypgender is a social construct. Keep reminding yourself of that.