How do I help my gay daughter blend in/feel like less of an outsider?

[Greedybilly]

How do I help my gay daughter not feel like she stands out? She's amazing and got to a place where she's out and proud and fairly 'butch'. She has no other lesbian mates and all of her chums are vv girly /chase boys/ talk about make up etc. They're a good bunch but she feels she sometimes just wants to be one of the girls and not be treated slightly differently. So hard - off to college this year so I keep telling her she'll find her tribe - but will she? Noone wants to stand out at 16 i guess. Anyone any positive stories. High school has been so tough.

Well it's great she has friends and if they are accepting her I'm not sure she needs to blend in as such? Are there any LGTBQ+ youth groups near where you are? Our oldest has made great friends through one here in North London but I'm sure they are much harder to come by if you're not in or near a major city.

Thanku @Echobellyfor replying.x They are a good group but she's just really concious of always standing out/ being and looking different to the others. We do live rurally though- hoping she'll find gay mates at college in a larger town. X

I’m surprised by this - i didn’t think anyone particularly cared any more whether someone is a lesbian or not.

@arethereanyleftatallhhmmmm you'd be suprised. The daily crap/low level homophobia is unreal.

I think high schools have gone backwards in time re girls in general - definitely in gay acceptance.Sad.

Me and my wife have been very out and gay for a while now, 10+ years married with 2 kids. We actually don't have any gay friends 🤷‍♀️ not on purpose, life just worked out that way. You don't pick your friends dependant on their sexuality, it's definitely a personality thing. Don't worry if she doesn't find gay friends, as long as she has friends, feels safe and comfortable, and accepts herself 🫶 my wife is definitely the more "butch" one, but it's so mainstream and "the norm" now, it's not something we even think about or talk about or has any type of impact on our life x

Sports really are a great way of feeling belonging - does she enjoy any?

@Mamofboys5972-- I hear you and hopefully when she's an adult she'll have good mates gay or straight. It's very tricky for her right now in school though.

@arethereanyleftatall-- sadly not:(

I’m a lesbian, married with two kids and most of our friends are also queer! I stood out a lot at school (and things were very different in the 90s!) but I met my people along the way - at college, then I went to London for uni where I was able to engage more with queer culture. I think it comes with age and confidence - but also opportunity! It depends where you live, but most larger towns and cities have groups for young queer people. I think it’s lovely you’re being so considerate of her feelings and what her experience of life might be like. I wish my mum had been more like you!

This is a lovely refreshing reply.

I think sometimes when we segregate ourselves into groups based on our characteristics (whatever they may be ) it can cause disconnect and breed echo chamber like thoughts.

It's lovely that you and your wife feel free to just 'be' in society and not have to purposefully pick friends who share the same sexuality.

You sound contented with life - lovely way to be 😄

@BananaHammock23aaww thanks.x I'm so damn proud of her - it's been a struggle though since year 7. Just think she could do with a likeminded gay chum right now. Hopefully college will open up new avenues.x

Is she going on to further education? That was a game-changer for me, and I can imagine it will be for her. In the meantime, she should check out the singer Phranc's song "One of the girls". She might really relate to it.

Are you speaking from experience as a lesbian?

@VeryQuaintIrenethanks hoping it will be the same for her.xx we will have a listen.x

@SunnieShineas the mum of a young lesbisn I find people still very much do care if you're gay. Suprised anyone thinks homophobia has gone away tbh. Can I ask your experience?

No. But I have plenty of friends who are lesbians or gay and no one has ever mentioned this. Most are older than the ops dd though, so that probs makes a difference.

@SunnieShine That isn't lived experience so I don't think you can comment. Homophobia is alive and well, especially more in rural places, bigger cities much less

Aww thank you 🥰 thats just really made me smile !

Probably because everyone forgot girls can be butch lesbians without claiming to be male, which yes, is sad.

Awww @Greedybilly in all honesty she’s doing great to have you as a mum and a decent bunch of friends. My 15 nearly 16 year old hasn’t really got decent friends and doesn’t fit in great at school. Not gay as far as she knows but not interested in boys yet either. It’s lonely and I feel for her and wish she’d find “a tribe” or even a decent friend or two. I suspect she may be on the spectrum… maybe not though and it isn’t something she wants to explore. But try to help your dd focus on what she has rather than what she hasn’t got… and I’m sure if she goes to FE or finds some wider groups as she ventures into the world she will feel she fits. Teenage years are tough. On us mums too!!!

@fourelementary-- oh believe me - I really do try and get her to see that having one decent friend is worth it's weight in gold . Sometimes the world is just shit and she doesn't want to look ' on the bright side' though. Yes it's vvvv tough for us mums too. Good luck to you and yours.xxxx

My wife and I have mostly straight and a few gay friends. I really benefited from an LGB youth group in the nearest city (we lived pretty rurally), met others with similar (and worse) experiences, had people to explore the gay scene with etc. I also had a best friend at school but at that age it was nice to find a friend who also wanted to chat about girls etc. I also think there is a difference between not fitting in and not having people around you who understand what it’s like to be you. I seem to recall I felt both of these feelings at that age. I’m sure many teens though feel like they don’t fit in, so somewhat a part of growing up too - tricky years!

@Relaxd thanks for your comments - my thoughts exactly. V reassuring x

You sound like a lovely Mum.

It might help her to consider that her friends probably feel the same way.

They might “blend in” better from your daughter’s perspective but that doesn’t mean they aren’t all are worried about looking right, standing out etc.

Not to dismiss your daughter’s concerns in any way but there will be a girl in her group worried that she isn’t a pretty as the others, someone else will be worried that she isn’t as clever as the others, someone else that she is the least popular etc etc.

Everyone has their own stuff and insecurities. Being a teenager is really hard.