Get in contact with daughter, how?

[Moominsmoo]

It’s been 3 years since our daughter fell in with a partner who convinced her she was trans and needed to live with them and their mum. We had some minimal contact till she was 18, she sent a lovely text about the club she’d been to, then announced she was going to take testosterone then nothing.
I know they visited my brother, and he’s chosen not to tell me. I find my relationship with him is on the rocks - I am so confused and hurt as to why he would do this.
the mum of one of her friends won’t talk to me as I’m transphobic.
everyone else says,’oh she’s 19, she’d have left home anyway’
but their kids didn’t just vanish one Christmas Eve while the partners dad waited outside in the car.
My brother knows where she is, my son, 17, gets the occasional text, presumably he’s confused and trying to work it out - god knows what she’s been saying about us.
DH isn’t coping and is very depressed, which is pulling me down.
Has anyone got any ideas? I’ve posted before and lovely kind people suggested a kitten - the partner and their mum have bought her two. She’s been totally love bombed and coerced, - she was told not to tell me where they lived etc.
I need tips how to cope, and obviously tips how to get in contact with her.
I guess she knows where we are. DH thinks perhaps she’s been persueded not to get in contact - when I did meet her once she was texting non stop, apparantly her girl(fto mwith testosterone and blockers) friend was ‘terrified’ id be crosss. Her best friend told us the partner was very possessive.
please help, it’s her birthday soon and this has caused such grief. Like she’s dead, but she’s not.
i can’t believe she can just cut us out of her life.

Sorry to hear your daughter has cut you off. I hope someone with more experience of this will be along soon. If you have her phone number can you message her on her birthday or ask your son to pass on a message? Just to say happy birthday and you hope she's well and happy. I can't imagine how you and your husband are feeling.

You're going to have to accept you have a son if you want to be in contact with him.

@ThatOpenSwan How utterly unhelpful and cruel.

Iirc The OP was more or less told 'I'm trans you won't understand goodbye'. The relationship does not sound at all healthy.

No advice but continued

I am sorry OP but you need to look at this from your child's point of view.

You seem to be unable to accept that your daughter took the decision to transition.

Instead you seem to cling to the idea that there was coercion by a third party and that they are now also preventing communication with you.

The likelihood is that your adult child chose to cut contact with you because you are unable to accept the choice they made and who they are now.

If you want to repair this you are going to have to offer to meet and listen with an open mind to what your trans son is going though and has to say and to tell him you will always be here for him, no matter what.

You don't have to agree with the concept of transitioning but you need to listen and support for the sake of the relationship.

Continue as you are, with denial, and you risk a permanent estrangement.

Usually I would say I would never like to see any parent give up on a child but they have been cruel to cut you out suddenly that I would leave them to it and live my life.

I don't know how anyone could read your OP and not think what an awful situation that is for a vulnerable 19 year old. (If the magic word trans hadn't been mentioned you would have Mumsnetters piling on here with sympathy.) So sorry you are going through this. Try to keep your relationship alive if you can so she knows you love her and are always there for her. Can you send her a present through your DS/DB? Yes, they will have been telling her lies about you. Again in no other circumstances would 'teenager makes demand, parents don't instantly capitulate' be considered unreasonable by the parents. I hope things get better. Good luck OP.

Thanks.
I think what’s so confusing is we adopted the ‘ok we accept you approach’ it wasn’t enough.