Asking on sons behalf

[Treeoflife21]

DS 19 has been out a few years. He only talks to friends about it at the moment even though he did tell us quite a while ago. So just really looking for a bit of advice really on him starting potential relationships - more-so for my own knowledge too. I’ve read about Prep and wondered if this is something every gay person should be taking when starting a serious relationship? I have mentioned it to him before and said he should research it but he said he feels awkward about going out with anyone which makes me think maybe he’s just not ready x

Well HIV isn't something that only gay people should be worrying about, maybe do some research into the numbers there first.

Why would he automatically need PrEP when starting a relationship. He would be better off using condoms until he gets to the point he and his partner are tested for everything and can stop with the condoms.

He's 19, he should already be armed with the knowledge on how to be safe when having sex.

Thanks, no I know and I don’t mean it like that, I just don’t know an awful lot about the prep myself and so just needed to have a bit of knowledge of how and when it’s in use. I’m pretty sure he’ll be well informed but as I say he’s an adult now so probably wouldn’t talk to me anyway.

You may not mean it like that, but would you be asking about PrEP if your ds was straight, or if you had a dd starting to date?

As I said I don’t much about it myself so maybe not

Firstly, anyone can have HIV, not just gay people.

Secondly, having a test for infections - HIV and others - is a good idea when you start a new relationship, to make sure you're both clean and healthy.

I think it would be hugely prejudiced to suggest that all gay people should have treatment. Seriously.

Safe sex is important for everyone.

This is probably why your ds doesn't talk to you much, you're demonstrating a bias against gay people.

You hear gay and think HIV.

Gay men are at higher risk of contracting HIV than straight men. It's not discrimination, it's purely based on statistics and science of transmission. It's not about OP 'hearing gay and thinking HIV'. PReP is targetted towards more at risk populations, including gay men, for this reason.

The chance of transmission is higher during anal sex without a condom or other barrier method than vaginal sex without a condom or other barrier method.

You are more likely to contract the virus during anal sex if you are the “receptive” partner (the partner whose anus is being penetrated by the penis) - so not likely a straight man.

You can read more about PrEP here https://www.tht.org.uk/hiv/protection/prep-pre-exposure-prophylaxis There also PEP (see the link in the link) which is like the morning after pill which could be taken after an at risk event.

Your DS is probably aware of STIs and HIV and how to stay safe when having sex and the importance of regular testing. Just throwing in too in case you're not aware that HIV is no longer a death sentence, rather a chronic manageable condition controlled with what might be 1 pill a day.

He might not be ready for a relationship yet, and I get that you might worry for him, plus our DC often don't want to talk about such things with their parents, rather relying on their friends. I guess that showing you have some knowledge about this could be helpful if he ever wants to discuss any concerns with you. i-base is also a great source of knowledge - testing windows and so on
https://i-base.info

Thank you!! I am not based, I am not prejudiced, people just enjoy attacking others from behind the keyboard. I love my son, I want him to be safe. I’m perfectly aware it’s not just gay people who get infections and I don’t hear ‘gay’ and think anything!! So thanks all for the less than helpful posts - and thanks for the little bit of advice some may have offered. It’s appreciated.

Whether your son should be on Prep is really a personal decision for him, and one that will depend on lots of factors, not just whether he is starting a relationship.

Fundamentally, it comes down to whether he's likely to be having risky sex. If he always uses condoms and there's no risk of forgetting or getting carried away, then Prep is probably not needed. If he's in an exclusive and monogamous relationship with someone who is HIV negative, he probably won't need Prep. If he's in a relationship with someone who is HIV positive, whether he wants Prep will probably depend on his own preferences and his partner's viral load - an undetectable viral load means HIV is non-transmissable, but he may still prefer to have Prep to be absolutely sure in case viral load rises. If his partner had a detectable viral load, Prep would be highly adviseable.

And of course, if he is in some sort of non-monogamous relationship, again, it depends on the basis on which he is going to be having sex with others. Only others he knows, or casual? Only with condoms or not? Etc.

TBH though if he's 19 and been out for a few years, he has probably thought about this already and knows his preferences.

Thank you x

You'll get loads of faux naive posts trying to make a point that a gay man having sex is identical to a straight man having sex. It's like a conversation blocker.

Gay men tend to be more promiscuous (generally speaking, it won't apply to every gay man that ever lived ) the more sexual partners the more risk of contracting STDs.

Men tend to use condoms out of fear of pregnancy. This won't apply to gay men having sex.

The bowel is a highly vascular area, it's a mucous membrane, it is easy to unintentionally injure during anal sex. This makes HIV contraction more likely than say vaginal sex.

I think the prep suggestion is coming from a kind and caring place. But it might be best to discuss it more as an option and let him make that decision rather than trying to impress that you think he should.

That's uncalled for. We can't stop dealing in facts and shut people down just to wave the rainbow flag. It's not discriminatory to deal in facts.

At risk groups (such a gay men ) who participate in anal sex need to know their risk and take care of themselves.