Experience with Waythrough? DD thinks she’s trans

[QueenBing]

I’ve posted before about my DD14 (nearly 15) thinking she’s trans. Her dad and I are divorced and he fully supports her and calls her by her chosen male name. I don’t. He sees her roughly once or twice a month, their relationship is strained.
She’s had significant MH problems in the past and we had CAMHS involvement and they recommended counselling through Humankind, now Waythrough. She’s been on the waiting list well over a year and tonight she had her first session with a support worker. We spoke about it afterwards and the support worker apparently told DD that she believes she is trans. After one session. Started telling her she could go to the GP and ask to be referred to an endocrinologist and then a gender clinic.
She was given a help sheet with coping strategies, some of which were using binders and “stand to pee” devices. I’m listening and remaining open-minded about all of this but I just think this is too much for a 14 year old who’s on the neuro pathway awaiting an autism diagnosis. I just don’t know what to do. DD is openly gay and in a relationship (over 2 yrs and the gf is lovely).
DD is very articulate and very intelligent but I’m struggling with all of this. What if she’s not trans and she realises too late? What if the fixation with wanting to be a boy gets in the way of her schooling?? She’s excelling at the minute.
After the appointment she had dinner, went quiet and took herself off to bed. I went and checked on her and she said she was just tired but I’m terrified this is going to stir up the MH problems she’s worked so hard to overcome.

1. Express your feelings - share your feelings in a notebook or blog, or express how you feel through an art, craft or music project.
2. Talk to someone who understands - talk to a supportive friend, find an online trans community you feel connection with, or speak to QLife (qlife.org.au to webchat or 1800 184 527). If you have a counsellor or therapist you feel safe talking with about your gender dysphoria, make time to bring this up with them.
3. Listen to someone who has similar feelings to you - talk to friends who also experience dysphoria, or watch a Vlogger who you relate to.
4. Find/use items that aid in expressing your gender and makes you feel more confident in yourself - binders, packers, STPs (stand-to-pee devices), breast forms, panty girdles, padded underwear, makeup, clothes, shoes, accessories, hair removal items, hair styling products.
5. Affirm your identity - do small or big things that affirm your identity; whether it's wearing a small accessory that is affirmative for you, re-styling your hair, or emailing your teachers to tell them your preferred name and pronouns.
6. Make plans, research, or take small steps towards your long-term social, medical and/or legal transition goals.
7. Find ways to do everyday things that reduce your dysphoria - steam up or cover the bathroom mirrors, use a big sponge or loofah for bathing, cuddle a pillow to cover your chest when you sleep, or master makeup contouring.
8. Tell yourself, out loud, that your body does not define your gender.
9. Take a moment to point out a few positive things you love about your body more generally - things you are great at, or things you like about yourself.
10. Remember to be easy on yourself and on your personal image. Remind yourself of the diversity of all people's bodies and gender presentations to give yourself a reality check.
11. Take time to explore what feels right for you when it comes to your identity and expressing yourself and your gender. Forget beauty standards and gender stereotypes: what expressions and identities feel right for YOU.
12. Exercise - a healthy amount of exercise can improve your mood. Do what you like

• dance your heart out in your bedroom, do some yoga, ride a bike, go to circus classes, use the local park gym equipment, or look up exercises that will shape your body in ways that could reduce your dysphoria

1. Remember that your trials and struggles in life can make you stronger. You've made it to this point. You should be proud of yourself.
2. Stimulate your senses - smell something (perfume, a flower), taste something (something strong-flavoured or something you really like), listen to something (nature sounds or music), touch something (fabric, a furry pet, a teddy bear), stimulate your vision (by looking at a colour you like or pics of baby animals).
3. Avoid spaces or people that will bring you down.
4. Escape - to your favourite playlist, game, or show, or a long luxurious bath or shower
5. Pamper yourself - dress in your favourite gender-affirming clothes, or wear comfy clothes to help you relax/feel better, wear your favorite makeup, eat your favourite comfort food, get a haircut, moisturize your body.
6. Connect with nature - go for a walk outside, do some gardening, watch the birds, trees or stars, care for an animal, wade in a river or ocean, bask in the sunshine.
7. Take time out or stay busy - whichever works best for you at the time. Slow down and relax, or stay occupied and distracted.
8. Go to bed early! Make sure you prepare to sleep by turning off devices, doing something relaxing, making the room quiet, clean and peaceful, and rest well.
9. Eat the rainbow! Getting a balanced, nutritious diet with lots of fruit and vegetables will help your mind and body feel its best.
10. Make time for pleasure - make sure you are doing things that make you feel good everyday. Schedule it in if you have to!
11. Switch off from social media and devices if they are bringing you down.
12. Practice breathing, meditation or other relaxation or 'mindfulness' techniques.

Dear OP, I really feel for you. I would be deeply concerned in your shoes. Autism appears to be a common factor in gender dysphoria, and the rush to affirm or even to 'block' puberty is deeply worrying, and causes harm in itself (puberty needs to happen at the right time for the individual, as I'm sure you know). In my experience the trans community can be a bit of an echo chamber, and anyone who doesn't go along with the narrative (think gender critical adults, or detransitioners) is shunned. I'd probably swot up on some firsthand experiences from people who have been through the rush to affirm, who now believe that, given space and time, they would have grown out of their dysphoria naturally. I've found detransaqua, ChoooCole, and klbfax (all on X) particularly insightful, as they are all young adults who went through the process. I wish you the very best in supporting your daughter at this time.

Do you think your daughter still needs the counselling @QueenBing ?

Does she want to attend?

I ask because you speak about her MH in the past tense and say she’s excelling.

I too would be worried about stirring things up. And I would be extremely worried if this counsellor is taking a strongly affirming approach, which she clearly is.

Are you in touch with Bayswater Support Group or Our Duty? I would maybe seek support from parents there.

You are absolutely right to be concerned for your daughter being led down a particular path - and one that is not without risks and harms.

You ask “what if she’s not trans?”

I genuinely query what it means for anyone to be trans, especially a child.

To paraphrase Allison Bailey, a 14 year old girl has no frame of reference from which to identify as a boy. What she in fact identifies with are the social concepts & stereotypes that have applied to men ..." and probably more accurately wants to identify away from the social concepts and stereotypes that are misogynistically applied to girls and women.

I wouldn't let her anywhere near someone who is just going to affirm, it's not evidence based. Find a counsellor who will encourage more critical thinking and support her through exploring why she thinks she feels like this.

Absolutely stop the counseling straight away.
get her totally away from these people. Get into Bayswater as pp said, find a different counselor as mabscelar says- checking very carefully what there views are.
get her away from social media if you can. Make sure the school isn’t affirming - watch out for lgbt clubs at the school.
read the feminist thread in here, get her totally away.
Ive lost my child to this crap through the school and ‘ counsel’ and was too naive to prevent it. You have to go all out .