Struggling to Parent 12 Year Old Trans

[Trents88]

Hi we have a 12 year old adopted daughter who around a year ago told us she felt she was more like a boy. We have done all we can to support his needs. Hair cut short, change of wardrobe, new bedroom. Provided binders. Just being there if needed.

Over the past year he has become more and more of a recluse. Stopped seeing friends, stopped leaving the house, now hardly leaves he room and has refused to go to school for the past few terms. He spends most of the day on youtube and watches a lot of stuff about transitioning.

It's tough to get him to open up about it all to us. He doesn't want anyone to see him because he has a bit of a chest. He won't see anyone but myself and wife. Says it'll be this way until he's able to get chest surgery or puberty blockers. Over the last few week it's been a real struggle to get him to eat as he's convinced that'll stop his chest growing.

We have sought local support and been on parenting courses to try and come up with fresh ideas to break down these barriers but nothing has worked. We get shut down whenever we bring the subject up.

It's putting a real strain on the family and makes us feel held hostage as it restricts us too. One of us has to be home with him at all times. Family holidays are a thing of the past.

I'm really concerned the lack of school will affect long term development mentally and socially. We've talked about a tutor but it's just another person he doesn't want to see.

I suppose what I'm looking for is anyone who's been in a similar spot and can offer up fresh ideas. I've looked at other online resources and passed them on but he's too stubborn to accept the help.

Sorry I've gone on, suppose I needed to unload a bit. Thanks for reading.

Think YouTube needs to get switched off!
www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

My niece went through this at a similar age. Chose a new name, dressed differently, refused school. I'm really happy to say she has got through it. She now presents as a girl again and is attending college. She has kept her non binary name. It's taken about three years to come out the other side.

You need to sit down with him and explain how it is affecting you and try to get him to open up about what is going on in his head. There is a side to transitioning that is harmful and you should not be encouraging him to have irreversible surgery or take hormones. Make sure he sees the other side too.

You really need to get your child some professional support especially given their background of being adopted. . Have they had adoption support, life story work?

Whilst I know that you've tried to be
supportive, it sounds like you have affirmed this all very quickly. Perhaps the child feels she can't go back.

Have you read the CASS review?

I really wouldn’t have encouraged binders or be going along with suggestions of surgery & puberty blockers. Read the Cass Report. This may all be a reaction to trauma linked to pre-adoption. Do you have support from post adoption services or CAMHS?

Hi yes the adoption support has always been there and used. We've had him since 1 year old and the life story has been fully available. He has ADHD and attachment disorder. We've found the support mostly geared toward parents rather than the child and we've pretty much exhausted everything they have to offer us. They are suggesting child therapy but it's persuading him to get on board with that.

Just to confirm we aren't entertaining hormones or surgery but he won't see any other options no matter how we try to explain the alternatives and dangers.

Easier said than done. He reacts to us suggesting wifi breaks with threats to run away. We have to hide the door keys each night as he did just that over XMas. We had the whole street searching and were on the verge of calling the police before he returned.

Thanks for the website link, will have a read up on there tonight.

Please rethink the decision to allow your child to wear a binder. They're simply not safe for her developing body, known to cause wide range of side effects. Lots of useful info https://genspect.org/resources/guidance/

I understand taking internet access away is difficult, but this isn't helping him with his thoughts. I'm not encouraging him to run away etc but you will need to work through those threats and limit his screen time consistently for a long chunk of time, put up parental controls so he can't access certain things.. it is such a tricky age and they are so impressionable, online videos and social media is so dangerous. He needs a good break from these to see how he really feels without them in his ear.. GP could potentially be helpful if you haven't done so already? If he's still registered under a school they can refer to CAMHS but I know waiting lists are disgustingly long.. could be worth a go though, the escalation to not eating is a big worry!

Another great resource is the podcast Gender, A Wider Lens, really useful perspectives.

I hesitate to mention this but is there any chance your child might have been assaulted? So often young people cling to transition as an explanation for agonising body hatred and dissociation which was caused by sexual violation.

This is such a tough situation to be in. I would 100% stop endorsing/encouraging. Binders are so abusive. The entire trans cult (because it is truly a modern day cult) is abusive (look at the effect on her and on your family for evidence of that).

Transgender Trend - Who Are We? - Transgender Trend No child is born in the wrong body. There is no such thing as trans - its a modern fad.
Being 12 is hard (I 100% went through the whole phase of being appalled at my developing body. Hiding my chest etc), being 12 and in foster care, from a difficult childhood must be even harder.

A friend of mine, her dd went through a phase just like this aged 12-14. Her mother totally refused to endorse/encourage/acknowledge and now........ happily her daughter has realised that yup shes a girl. A happy flourishing girl. Shes 16 now and wears skirts, tight tops, makeup etc.

He stopped wearing a binder shortly after trying it as too uncomfortable. Moved to baggy clothes to try and hide body shape

A developing chest is a shock and I can understand a child wanting to do anything to stop it!

However, accepting that the answer is to wait until you can cut it off is the insane position that the TRA groups have moved us to.

Instead the conversation should have always been about how to adapt, how to dress, how to embrace the changes. Talk through general fears around growing up. Explore what it means to be a woman and how awesome we are.

But no.

This is an intense form of self harm which is being fuelled by the internet.

If your actual physically self harming child threatened to run away because you were taking away the kitchen knives, presumably you wouldn't just give them back?!

You must limit the internet access even if it means handling some very real problems for a few months whilst you all adapt. Get out of self and into the world.

Your daughter doesn’t want to be a boy, she just doesn’t want to be a girl. There’s a massive issue here. Social transitioning at 12 is forcing her to follow a tenuous path that will most likely end up in medicalisation and surgery - the outcome is almost inevitable. She has already got several comorbidities, adoption, neurodiversity, so theres no wonder she is finding her identity a muddle.
You have to be the adult here. Absolutely remove access to the internet. That’s where shes getting all the validation shes craving. Evidence shows that young children who want to be seen as the opposite sex, particularly girls, do not fare at all well psychologically after ‘transition’.
I also recommend Transgender Trend and get hold of a copy of Abigail Shrier’s book - Irreversible Damage. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Irreversible-Damage-Transgender-Seducing-Daughters/dp/B084Y7RLJV/?encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_w=Ghd5s&content-id=amzn1.sym.f7cacb80-afed-4bd2-a630-ebf24465f0d7&pf_rd_p=f7cacb80-afed-4bd2-a630-ebf24465f0d7&pf_rd_r=257-1507440-4869565&pd_rd_wg=gVXkh&pd_rd_r=a1c16b74-c817-4d24-828e-1d7e740ba93d&ref=aufs_ap_sc_dsk

I don't know whether I am giving support or not. I have girl who want to be not a girl. They wear a binder. They are not talking about surgery but would like a double. Mx. I can't consider it top surgery as I've had a double my due to cancer.
She also wears "lolita " clothes but consider them selves male. I have no idea. No hormones/ surgery till ideally 18 or 20. New names i can deal with

@Trents88 Your daughter isnt reading this thread...... please allow yourself to refer to her as "her/she" not he/him. She isnt a he, shes a girl, a woman, a female (And always will be) Please try not to allow her to police your thoughts - especially when she isnt even in the room/the conversation - She is a she! Right now she will no doubt be mega angry at anyone saying stuff like that but kids/teens do tend to appreciate boundaries (even if they say otherwise!) and at some point in her future.......... she will thank you. xx

Even if your child wasn't trans, this is a worrying picture;
"Over the past year he has become more and more of a recluse. Stopped seeing friends, stopped leaving the house, now hardly leaves he room and has refused to go to school for the past few terms. He spends most of the day on youtube and watches a lot of stuff about transitioning.
It's tough to get him to open up about it all to us. He doesn't want anyone to see him because he has a bit of a chest. He won't see anyone but myself and wife. Says it'll be this way until he's able to get chest surgery or puberty blockers. Over the last few week it's been a real struggle to get him to eat as he's convinced that'll stop his chest growing."

Get rid of devices, turn the internet off at certain times - yes it's difficult and your child may threaten consequences (running away), but you're the parent and have to uphold the boundaries! This sounds like the thing that would make the most difference to your current situation.
Play games as a family, do arts and crafts, get the lego out, do stuff your child enjoyed when younger.
Also provide things for your child to do alone which aren't watching videos on the internet - books, art supplies, jigsaws, sports stuff if you've got outdoor space.
If you're watching TV together, I'd suggest that recent documentary with Matt and Emma Willis on the school which had some kids get rid of all their devices for three weeks - really eye opening, and hopefully a good starting point to explain to your child why you're putting the boundaries in now.

Put some actual boundaries in place, and stick to them - I'd suggest a family dinner where you all sit down together, and a certain time period where you're all downstairs together, even if you're doing separate things, as a starting point.

I'd also suggest you look for a support group for other local trans children, and insist your child attends. It should be a safe space for them, where they can discuss their worries, but at minimum it'll be somewhere where no one will be particularly bothered about bodies, and are respectful.

I am sorry you are going through this. I have been through similar but not quite so bad as there was no school refusal.

Your child is not a boy. Please stop affirming. This is the current advice from the Cass Review. Please read this review.

Stop internet access. This is how this damaging trans ideology is spreading. The internet is not helping your child.

Your child needs professional mental health help. They need therapy to deal with their body dysphoria. This is what she is experiencing with the aversion to her developing breasts. She needs assessment by professionals for mental health problems. Talk to your GP as a starting point. Based on your description your daughter may also be experiencing depression and anxiety.

Most likely your daughter is autistic based on what you have said and the fact that the many young ASC girls are identifying as trans. If this seems to fit please try to get diagnosis in place and make accommodations for ASC

Do not support the use of binders. This is not proven to be a safe practice. Buy sports bras instead.

lLoo at the advice from Bayswater support group. They provide support for parents going through this. I have found them very helpful.

Thanks for all the advice and thoughts on this. We are thinking of going down the route of private child therapy as the council lead process isn't working. Constantly waiting on funding to be approved to progress and slow going.

I highly recommend the podcast series Julie in Genderland which has fascinating interviews with parents (and children) who have been in your position.