12 yr old dd newly obsessed with gender identities

[LeafBud7]

My 12 yr old is attending the school lgbtq club and is really into the whole 100s of identities, pronouns etc. She doesn't talk to me about it, but I've overheard her talking to her friend about how cool this or that gender is, and seen a list of neopronouns that she copied out in multicolour. Her older half siblings are both trans identified. I'm pretty sure she thinks she is a lesbian, which doesn't bother me at all- I mean I don't think she can possibly know at 12, but it doesn't matter either way. But the gender thing, I'm feeling really anxious about it, and I wish I could just laugh it off.. it might just be a passing interest right? I really feel it's not healthy to focus on identity at 12. But how to address it, or just ignore and assume all OK.

Ignore it all.

She can absolutely know she’s a lesbian at 12. I did by then.

My Ds thought he was gay at that age .. I encouraged him to not label anything - he loves who he loves … he no longer thinks he is and has been with his g/friend for a year.

my approach is don’t worry about labels - love who you want - love who you are .

Don't fuel it, keep up with regular life and let it run it's course. Such a shame the school is promoting confusion! I don't mean about sexual preference part, that's for your DD to work out and she may already have, just the ideology bit.

It's the in thing at the moment. I know it's a bit tiresome, but it will pass. She doesn't have to have herself all worked out at age 12, plenty of time for that.

Did you know you were I am assuming straight at 12? I did I knew at probably about age 9.

Why wouldn't she know her sexuality? Why is it always coached in oh they couldn't know.

Ignore it, don’t make a big deal out of it. She’ll probably start identifying as some sort of ridiculous gender at some point. Lesbian thing, also ignore it, if she’s a lesbian it’ll become clear to her over time anyway. They are steeped in a culture that demands everything is labelled and you have to choose an identity the worst thing you can do is go with whatever it is full force or object to it with full force.

They start thinking they have to keep doing what they are doing because they don’t want to admit they made a mistake or fighting about it puts them in a position where they feel they have to dig in. I would just say “you are who you are and that how you feel about things can change over time and we love you regardless”.

Agree with pp about no labels.

If she doesn't talk to you about it then it's possible she appreciates your relationship as a space where she doesn't have to be up to the minute about all the latest cool ideas.
On the one hand I think that means you should just leave this alone and not grill her on it.
But on the other, I would very much want open lines of communication. Particularly when it comes to what my child is reading and watching online.
Sorry, not so helpful, I'm really not sure what the best way forward is for you.
But wish you all the best!

If her older half siblings are trans then I think it is normal for her to be more interested and aware in gender and sexuality discussions than most kids her age. If she looks up to those siblings and they are happy, it might almost seem desirable.

I think you’re just going to have to let her work through what she wants. School is preferable to the internet to be honest. She may well be right in telling you that she’s gay though so be careful of telling her it’s a phase, that might not be what she needs to hear.

Thank you for all the responses. I hadn't meant to suggest she couldn't possibly have an inkling she might be gay at 12, my main feeling about that is that it doesn't matter whether she is or not, or whether she knows or not. Like I said it's the gender identity part I think is more problematic. But I do feel calmer about it after some reflection.. like some pps have said, it's the in thing especially for an open-minded kid. She seems happy and confident, and doesn't so far seem too perturbed by puberty, periods etc so I'm reminding myself that those are positive things. I would like to talk to school though, in general about the club, what the purpose is etc, and not sure how to go about that..

First thing i'd do is get them off the internet, and spend time together.

Then I'd listen carefully to them, despite knowing it's all bollocks.
But they would have to listen to me too. You can't win hearts and minds by screaming and shouting at one another.

Strengthen the relationship with mutual respect, so they know that i'm unequivocally on their side.

I'd suggest reading this: https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips/ The rest of the website is also very informative and useful, but this one directly addresses your situation.

Hi OP, Just wondering how this has progressed with your daughter? I am in the same situation with my daughter and it's killing me. Others are telling me that this will pass etc etc but I am finding it so difficult. I think she is moving on or getting distracted by other things and them I am blindsided by something else. Thanks

My dd went through this from about age 11, non stop talk about gender, all of her friends were either trans, gay or non binary, they are 16 now and all straight and pretty much 'cis'. I hate that term but its the quickest way to explain what I mean. And while of course your dd might know that she is gay it seems that they all have to be 'something' otherwise they are boring.

And how did you deal with it? Did you just ignore? Did you tell her how you felt about it? My daughter knows that I am skeptical and I have told her we do not support her changing pronouns and she can make that decision later when she is an adult, but more generally we try to just support her other interests. It's exhausting though. I found information on her laptop about breastbinding and she had created NB profiles on pinterest (the only social media site she had access to)... Thanks and apologies OP if I am hijacking, just really need to talk to someone who is going through or has gone through a similar situation.

I let her know that I think its all nonsense, of course i was labeled a massive transphobe but she is the youngest of 5 and i have been through all sorts of stuff with the older ones so its water off a ducks back tbh. It was a difficult time for her though because a couple of her 'friends' were quite nasty, dd has some mild special needs and sometimes she would 'deadname' a friend by accident and get bullied for it, (they were changing their names weekly at this point). None of these kids were actually out, this was all under the radar, neither their parents or the school were aware that they were trans/using a different name, it was all very secretive. That combined with seeing stuff on social media meant dd was completely captured by it all. She is no longer friends with this group thank goodness, and is obsessed with other stuff now.

Yeah I knew I fancied men and not women when I was about two. So of course she could know her own sexuality at 12.

The rest just ignore. Obviously she's influenced by her friends at club and her siblings. So interest in trans stuff is pretty inevitable. Be fully supportive of her lesbianism of course.

This is one of the reasons why I'm glad my youngest isnt in school anymore, shes only 7 but shes the most masculine little girl you'll ever meet and she's so vulnerable to this ideology in the future

I have a vulnerable teen who is becoming fascinated by it too. I found a kid on youtube and I make a point of saying how the kid is being exploited by his parents for views and how sad it is.

If it isn't on at lunchtime, I don't suppose there is anything clashing with the LGBT club that you could sign her up for?

Youre not talking about Eduardo from the SacconeJolys are you?
Such a shame about the poor lad. He's the only boy and his dad brainwashed him into thinking he's a girl and exploits him for views

It is that boy, I'm sure there are two boys and two girls in the family.
The channel is aimed at kids My kids scroll watched it on TikTok or YouTube. Nonchanantly told me about a boy who is now a girl, Completely exploited by both his mother and father, neither of whom work. Father said he was non binary himself to sell a book about being trans and took to wearing skirts himself. Book flopped and father ditched his dreses. Poor kid no longer even in school.

Used them as an example of how this is encouraged/exploited.

No they have three girls and him.
Its clear the dad wanted only girls and Eduardo didnt fit the image

I just checked. The eldest is a girl,Emilia with long brown hair then the boy Edwardo (who the parents completely manipulated for views for their channel), then another girl with curly hair and the youngest is a boy with red hair.

"I really feel it's not healthy to focus on identity at 12"
actually, focusing on identity at 12 is healthy and crucial, and marks a key state in growth, where children explore independence, their values and beliefs, and helps them form a strong sense of self.
as for her possibly being a lesbian, just wait for it, maybe she is, maybe she isnt
let her know that you'll support her no matter what