Worried about child

[Heslington]

A close relative has a 9 year old boy who she says is now a girl. We are fine if the child is and would want to support him/her in social transitioning but the child has spent lots of time with us and lived with us for a year and has expressed that even though he likes long hair he is a boy and cant understand why some people call / mistake him for a girl as he doesn't like it. He has said numerous times that he's a boy.He is asd. He talked to his dad ( divorced)about it as he said his mum had told him he was trans and he weighed things up and said he still saw himself as a boy. His dad is pro trans rights but feels that his son isn't trans from what hesaid and what he's seen. He told his dad he had a crush on a girl and later said he had a girl friend. He is attracted to stereotypical boys interests weapons, war/ destruction type video games etc even though he's been given a variety of toys and encouraged to try all sorts of hobbies etc. He prefers to play with boys but if there are no boys about he'll mix and play with girls. His mum is lesbian and has lots of trans friends.We've all fully supported her. She has a number of MH issues and is hf asd herself, bipolar and has personality disorders. She has cut the child completely off from his dad and all family and friends and has told the school he now has a girls name and that they are to use it and female pronouns. If the child is trans why has the mother cut him off from all family as they would support him? We are worried that the mother is pushing the child to be trans as strange as it might seem.She told us when he was a few months old that she wanted him to be gay - we feel he should make the decision whether he is gay or straight. We, his dad and his grandparents have not been allowed to speak to him/ her and we would fully support their own decision. We have had a close relationship and can't understand why we can't see or talk to the child. If we felt that the child was trans and the mother was against it we be supporting him and we feel that all the signs are that he isn't . He's also young and there would be no harm in taking things slowly and perhaps being gender fluid for a while.The child's isolation is worrying in our opinion and unnecessary. School say nothing has changed but they have gone along with the new name and pronouns. We think the child has gone along with mum to please her.Opinions and advice please.Thank you.

She sounds mentally unwell and a bit delusional. In my opinion, it's child abuse to force a child to call themselves a girl and go by a girl's name when they don't want to.

I would talk to school safeguarding.

Thanks. School don't want to get involved. They say see CS if we are concerned but child's father spoke to them and they arent interested - she's known to CS but they say case closed. Its very worrying.

It's great you'd support the child either way. Is the father not able to gain access through a solicitor. I'd involve social services either way. Sounds like child abuse if the child is being forced into being trans. Same if the child was trans and being ignored. But yes definitely seek legal advice and welfare checks. Good luck

Dad wont get legal help but has been back on to CS - we dont know whether theyll do anything. We think the automatic affirmation by school is worrying. Its particularly worrying with the child having asd although he's bright. 9 seems very young to us to quickly social transition, almost overnight, with him not questioning his gender up until now. Why the hurry and why the isolation? Why wont anyone ask the child how they feel? We feel helpless.

That poor child. He could be medicated and sterilized against his will. Are CS social services? Please push harder, the mother sounds mentally unwell and the damage she could do to her son is irreparable. Thank goodness he has people like you to advocate for him.

We're worried about the school just going along with what the mum wants. They seem dismissive of dad even though he has PR. We feel that the child doesn't have much understanding of what being trans means and he's just gone along with his new name like he has done in the past with being called Spiderman or Thor. He is very vulnerable.

You' can email or write a letter to the headteacher and to the governing body telling them you're making a formal complaint. Say that you've contacted safeguarding about a boy being pressured by his parent to change 'gender' even though he doesn't want to and the school are going along with it.

CS is childrens services so yes social services. We think the mother might be pushing for puberty blockers but we think they are no longer prescribed on nhs - we just hope she doesn't go privately as we think you can still get them. We and other relatives have tried to do what we can but we haven't got PR so it's limited.

Don't be so ridiculous, trans children can and hardly ever now be given puberty blockers. As soon as they stop taking them puberty begins as normal. As for sterilising him, even the suggestion of that is absolutely absurd!

The OP fears the mum will source puberty blockers away from the NHS. There are plenty of trans posters on Twitter with wrong sex hormones ordered online. Unfortunately there's nothing ridiculous about the fact that that could happen to this child. I suggest you read the OP. He isn't a trans child. He's a child who is being transed against his wishes. I think that is pretty serious.

@Mog65 you're overlooking so many glaring facts. Puberty is not just physical changes that happen to the body, it is a period of neuro development also. You're saying it's not harmful to delay that cognitive and neuro development? That a child who has had their puberty "blocked" is by the very nature of that going to be significantly behind their peers even if puberty is allowed to resume at a later stage. How is that a good thing for any child? For their brain to be prohibited from developing at the normal age and stage?

There is no such thing as a trans child. No child is a different sex to the one they are born. The school is making a massive safeguarding error. Mog65 you are incorrect on every point.

Does anyone know whether primary schools should get the consent of both parents before they use a different name and pronouns? School never consulted dad before they did in this case and changed his name and gender on his ehcp review without telling dad. They say they haven taken legal advice. All paperwork has his female name and uses she and her.

Yes giving the child puberty blockers bought on line is serious, ŵhen they are not trans, but to suggest they could be sterilised. No doctor in the UK would do that.

I suggest you or (preferably) the dad contact an organisation such as Transgender Trend for advice.

Sadly doctors in the UK do and have sterilise children - this is what wrong sex hormones do. It's a tragedy. The Cass report has helped but activitsts putting their ideology before chidren's health still push for this.

School shouldn’t have gone along with new names and pronouns, even if that’s what mum was proposing. The Cass Report urges extreme caution with primary age children.

I agree with PP that the mother sounds mentally unwell and is a risk to her child. Might be worth contacting Bayswater Support Group www.bayswatersupport.org.uk

@Mog65 blockers and cross sex hormones absolutely do sterilise children. And for many male children put on blockers at a certain age, it also prevents them from ever being able to achieve orgasm as an adult