I need advice on how to best support DS (7)

[Jourl]

DS is home educated, I thought I'd start with that to explain that sex education is going to fall completely on me and Dad.

This afternoon DS came to me and explained how he thinks he likes boys, he doesn't like girls. After some discussion about what he means, I believe he is attracted to boys.

DH said this is around the age he started taking notice of girls and had his first kiss but I'm really surprised! I didn't start thinking about all this until I was around 12.

DS confessed he thinks he must be weird as girls and boys are meant to like each other. He also said he wishes he could be pretty like girls and not be so shy about wearing prettier clothes. He isn't saying he wants to be a girl or anything but is saying he wished he could dress more like one but doesn't want to be weird.

I tried my best to explain how he can be a boy and wear whatever he wants! Bit I'm not really sure what is best to do here.

I know a lot of this struggle for me stems from my own family being homophobic towards me (I am bisexual) and so I'm dealing with a lot of flash backs. I want to be better than what my parents were though, I want to be supportive but I don't want to be over bearing

How can I get this right for him?

Not one person has said you should shut him down. The general message is tell him he's great and he's himself and he is SEVEN which is a little kid. He can do everything seven year old boys and seven year old girls can do but he is a young child not a teenager, not a man, not a woman.

Just reinforce that he is himself and that's perfect, he couldn't be "weird", no seven year old is, don't push make-up tutorials and labels on a little child.

What he needs are more examples of different kinds of relationships and different ways of living. Since he believed that boys and girls are supposed to pair up as the default, he hasn’t been getting enough of that. I would look for books and media that incorporate more diversity. The ideal is actual people, but I know from experience that we can’t curate our tribe that way.

when my own child came out, it was both big news and about as interesting as her declaring a preference between chocolate and vanilla. Mostly it was big news because it felt big to her to share something she felt was very personal. So we thanked her for trusting us. We also asked her who we were allowed to tell. Accepting side of the family = yes. Side of the family with homophobic members = no, even if an individual member was ok because she didn’t want anyone to have to lie or cover for her.

nothing really changed. We did make sure to be extra careful with our normative language. We had always tried to be careful, but now that we had a declaration we got very meticulous.

I think some people have different experiences and genuinely don’t realise that children CAN have crushes at 7 or so. I had a crippling crush on a boy from that age for about 10 years (I’m female) as well as fancying a couple of “celebrities” (teenage actors/singers) - it certainly wasn’t that I thought boys were more “congenial company” as all my friends were girls. It’s not sexual it’s more like that crush feeling in your chest. OP I think you’re doing the right thing showing him that boys and men can wear make up or whatever as well as emphasising that it’s something for grown ups not children. I reckon it’s best to listen and accept what he’s saying about liking boys but not make too big a deal of it as he may like girls as well/instead by next week.

"Am I normal" and "do people think I'm weird" are completely normal (ironically) things children worry about btw and most autistic children are aware at some point of being "different" and not really understanding how their peers relate to them and one another, and trying to figure out the"rules" more consciously/ explicitly than average, which is obviously a big part of the autistic experience for many people.

I've never said I'm putting labels on though or encouraging him to do make up tutorials?

Just the suggestions on what to say seem like they're closing the conversation to my son, not being inquisitive but rather closed ended.

If that's the right thing to do here I'll consider it.

But I think for now I'll follow my son's lead and be here to listen and have open conversations and help show him that he can be however he wants.

You don't need to shut him down; you just need to not make a big deal of it. Treat it as though he has said he really likes chocolate cake but not coffee cake.

At this age it really is no bigger deal that that.

If it develops into something more as he grows up then that is fine too. But at this moment your job is not to lead him in any direction or impose adult interpretations on his comments.

My son used to wear the princess dresses in nursery when he was 4, got bullied for it, but I made the teacher speak to the bullies.
He used to love wearing my friends high heeled shoes (I don’t wear them), everyone used to say he was gay (including to him, which I didn’t realise) but I just thought “He’s just himself”. He loved girls and was engaged at 7. Bought an engagement ring from the pawnshop!
He once saw a drag Queen when he was about 6 & made me go over as he wanted to say how much he loved their look.

Anyway, he finally came out as being gay at 12, he said he’d known for years. I hadn’t really thought about it, though other people said “You must have known”.
My thought is, “whose business is it anyway” as long as he’s happy and healthy.
i was sad when he told me, but only because, I knew he’d have a harder life than if he was straight, thanks to the small minded people in this world.
Cherish him for whatever he is.And support his journey as best you can. No one gets it 100% right, so don’t be too hard on yourself

I guess as an autistic child he may be categorising the world a little more strongly than others- so it’s important he sees non stereotypes around him and gently challenges these assumptions he has built up that are gendered.
If he also has PDA he may almost naturally be drawn to the opposite - if he sees girl plus boy as normal then he is drawn to oppose that and be boy plus boy. Or if he sees women only for makeup- it makes it seem more desirable?

So the way forward is to widen his view on life and allow time for him to just be and develop and see where things go.

I don't think you can assume attraction at all at that age. Is he exposed to Tv / older siblings / adults around him who talk about this kind of stuff?

My son is nearly 9 and hasn't displayed or talked about any kind of sexuality or attraction. And he is the type of kid to talk about anything that he is curious or worried about. We are very close.

He's just interested in sport, friends etc.

7 seems really young to have any handle on what sexual attraction even is.

Just so ‘ok, sure!’ Remember you can wear what you like and like who you like. It’s all fine.’ And then you keep playing.

What am i reading.
He`s 7 most boys say they dont like girls most girls say they dont like boys at that age.

........"I was trying to break the gender stereotypes by showing him male make up artists". WHY? He's a little boy of 7, he doesn't need to know anything at all about make-up!

I think makeup is sexualised, it's not the same as face paint (unless it's used as face paint) It's used to enhance sexual features such as full red lips. I don't think it's appropriate for any 7 year old and any child using makeup in this way would concern me. Does your son have an older sister or relatives who use makeup? It would be interesting to know where this interest comes from.

What would you do if your 7yr old dd said she was attracted to boys, or your 7yr old ds said he was attracted to girls? Do that.

The only difference is that there are pervasive stereotypes which he will likely have absorbed about both what is "correct" for boys (compulsory heterosexuality), but also what is "correct" for gay boys (glam, make-up, femininity). Neither are true. As a gay boy or man, you don't have to be or look a certain way and I'm sure you can find loads of examples of gay men who run the whole range of masculine to feminine presentations - these might be good things for him to see just now.

Equally, there is the stereotyping around what boys and girls are allowed to like, and yes, there's an issue with colour/pattern etc for boys being quite closely policed by some people, but equally it needs to be age appropriate - I'd not be happy with a 7 year old girl being too exposed to make up and adult clothing trends and behaviour so the same holds for a 7 year old boy. If he likes the pink trainers, or the turquoise tshirt with unicorns and glitter have at it.

EDIT: Thinking about it, it's just compulsory heterosexuality in a different guise really - you're a boy and you like boys? You need to be pretty like a girl (boys are pretty too!), you need to dress like a girl (why?), you need to behave like a girls (which is??), because boys like girls. No! Some boys like boys and that's the whole bloody point!

What is he being exposed to at your home that this is even a thought to a 7yo.
A 7yo doesn't think like this at all. Something is deeply concerning here.

Remember if he's autistic and has black and white thinking he may struggle with the idea that makeup and sequins can be for boys too as well as girls. You're doing well to make this explicit for him.

I don't think it's beyond the realm of normal for children to find members of the (opposite/same) sex attractive - my DS aged 5 was starry eyed over a very pretty girl in his class, and always wanted to stand next to her, and aged 9 met a little girl on holiday and marvelled to me "she's a girl and I'm a boy, we could get married!". It doesn't mean he had sexual feelings OR that he will be straight when he grows up - just that he's noticed that some people are more along the lines of what he thinks is attractive, and has noticed that adult men and women are those that tend to get married. I didn't think it was any more concerning than noticing that a rainbow or a bird was pretty and striking, or discussing things from the "bodies and growing up" book as maybe applying to him in the future.