I need advice on how to best support DS (7)

[Jourl]

DS is home educated, I thought I'd start with that to explain that sex education is going to fall completely on me and Dad.

This afternoon DS came to me and explained how he thinks he likes boys, he doesn't like girls. After some discussion about what he means, I believe he is attracted to boys.

DH said this is around the age he started taking notice of girls and had his first kiss but I'm really surprised! I didn't start thinking about all this until I was around 12.

DS confessed he thinks he must be weird as girls and boys are meant to like each other. He also said he wishes he could be pretty like girls and not be so shy about wearing prettier clothes. He isn't saying he wants to be a girl or anything but is saying he wished he could dress more like one but doesn't want to be weird.

I tried my best to explain how he can be a boy and wear whatever he wants! Bit I'm not really sure what is best to do here.

I know a lot of this struggle for me stems from my own family being homophobic towards me (I am bisexual) and so I'm dealing with a lot of flash backs. I want to be better than what my parents were though, I want to be supportive but I don't want to be over bearing

How can I get this right for him?

He's 7, you say? Or is that a typo?

No he is only 7! All feels so young!?

I don't remember any of this worry at his age?

Let him be your guide. Allow him to be open about his crushes, he is only 7 and things may change. But, I certainly knew I was straight at 7, I had crushes on George Michael and Patrick Dempsey at that age. As far as wanting to dress more like a girl, if that's what makes him more comfortable allow him to do it. But be clear that it doesn't make him a girl, he's a boy who likes what he likes and that's absolutely fine.

You can't assume the fact that he likes boys to be an attraction at that age. Yes, sure he might be gay and lots of gay people also say they knew they were gay from a young age, but don't assume that.
He enjoys their friendship more currently.

It's also odd that, at 7, he wants to be like girls but doesn't like them.

I'd encourage him to see everyone as human beings and individuals with their own likes and dislikes, their own way of dressing and so on and to say he's an amazing unique individual too and free to like what he likes and play with who he wants to play with.

I think you're supporting him just fine.

Validate his feelings, tell him he has agency - but don't let it become the be all and end all because he's 7 and next week could want to be a cat!

As long as he knows he can come you you he'll forge his own path of acceptance.

He's not sexually attracted to anyone at the age of 7, so who knows whether he will be gay or not? I really wouldn't make anything out of what he's said. Just nod and smile and tell him yes that's all fine.

Does he have enough opportunities for socialisation? Could he be telling you he wants more male friends?

I mean, he doesn’t need to come out at 7 so your role surely is simply to listen, reassure, explain in an age-appropriate way what a good relationship looks like.

If he wants to wear prettier clothes then why not? My son has some fab sequinned sweatshirts and a really great rainbow-tiger T shirt. Alongside his Marvel outfits and “boy uniform” of blue and black and grey stuff

My dd enjoyed wearing practical clothes at this age, then when through a phase of dresses and sparkles, and now dresses like nearly every other teen on monochrome athleisure.

Why are you trying to sexualised a 7 year old?

He may not understand attraction in those terms yet. He may understand it as an attraction to playing with other boys, not sexual attraction.

I note he is home schooled. How much 'playtime' does he get with boys? By that I mean time in a setting which isn't structured.

Be supportive, but at age 7 there are lots of other possible explanations rather than being gay. Be open minded to that rather than make assumptions this early.

He may turn out to be gay but let him find his way with it rather than you assume it.

I couldn't stand boys at that age - ikkkkk boys!

He's 7 - he can't imagine hanging out with girls and - what playing Minecraft and football (or whatever little boys get up to these days).

He's only little. Too young to put yourself in a box already.

Surely the conversation is that it’s not weird to be gay. And he may be or he may not be. And that he is very young and doesn’t need to decide or know right now. His feelings may change. They may not. He may be assuming he should like girls more than he does. He is 7, he may have friends who have ‘girlfriends’ or say they really like a girl and he may just not have those feelings yet.

My daughter is gay, she is an adult but knew she gay from around 12. My best friends daughter thought she might be, but came to realise it was just her enjoying being with girls more and now has only dated males.

I would be more concerned he doesn’t like girls but wishes he could be more like them and thinks they are pretty. That could turn into unhealthy view of women. But again, he is quite young. He may not really ‘not like’ girls. He may just assume he should feel a different way about girls.

He's a small child! He doesn't need to be 'supported' through his sexual attractions, he needs to be thinking about toys and sticks and minecraft. I wanted to be a horse at that age and would gallop around the house. Let him just be a kid, most boys prefer boys at that age and think girls are 'stupid' and 'boring'. This is your own hang ups that you're putting on him.

I think you can make supportive and affirming noises when (if) he brings it up, but it's not something you need to tackle head on. About 2 years ago my then-7yo informed me, after they had a lesson on it at school, that he was bisexual. I just agreed that that was possible, who knows at 7, the conversation moved on and he's never brought it up again since. I agree with others who've said it's definitely possible to know at this age - I knew I was into boys - but equally, it's possible to have no clue until much later.

The clothes thing I would say again be guided by him, but don't make a big deal of it or present him with new clothes as if they represent his identity. Clothes are just clothes and the less importance we attach to them the better

At 7 ds's Cof E head teacher called us in horrified ds had declared one day he would kiss his best friend John.

Ds is 15 and a totally heterosexual..
Some dc strive to be a dinosaur or Spiderman when they grow up. Kids being kids... Let him wear what he wants. My older ds 23 loves pink. And women... Nobody needs a label imo.

You making this a way bigger deal.than it should be and be having big conversations it's cementing thoughts that he's wrong in any feelings he has. At 7 I would think it's too young for him to understand sexual feelings towards boy/girls. In my opinion your own bad experience might cause you to go too deep about it all in an attempt to be positive and encouraging. If he says he thinks he likes boys, say 'ok', end of. If he says he thinks it's weird ask him who says that. Tell him he can like boys or girls or both and then move on

My DD is 9 and is still at the 'boys are yukky' stage so it might just be that?!?! He likes boys as friends not girls?

I'd just make as little fuss about it as possible - reassure him he can like whoever he likes, wear whatever he wants and you love him.

Then move on to what's for dinner / happening at the weekend.

Yes, I have already said that I think this is all way too young and has caught me by surprise! And I also said that I think I'm struggling because of my own history on sexuality etc.

For clarity, I just said, well you don't need to worry about that sort of thing now you've got ages until you can start living with other people and having girlfriends or boyfriends. For now you just worry about friends and learning and having fun. And I explained how DH didn't have a girlfriend until he was 21 as he was enjoying friends etc.

And then he was saying he really wants to be able to dress up nice more and wear fun and cool clothes with make up and nails done nicely like he sees other women but everyone thinks he will be weird.

I explained that he can still do things he thinks are "girly" and that they aren't "just for girls".

That's when he then said that he doesn't think he can because he never sees boys wearing make up or dresses.

I showed him some male make up artists that I follow on IG but beyond that idk whether to show him more to normalise that for him? Do I just let him be him?

On the home schooling, he socialises as much as he is able to, he is autistic and has limited friends but when he does see them (friends once a week and cousins once a week) it's always unstructured play. He has PDA profile of autism so we don't really do structure (as you'd imagine structure in a autistic hosuehold).

And I'm not trying to sexualise him at all. I'm really not sure how to handle this or what to do correctly, so have turned to here for advice to ensure I correctly support his childhood.

Make up isn't for children.

That's incredibly full and detailed on for a seven year old...

Just tell him he's perfect as he is, and there are lots of different types of people and you can even tell him that before you met daddy you had a girlfriend/ liked a girl but you also liked boys, its fine to like either or both.

He can wear what he wants but make-up isn't for seven year olds, which has nothing to do with boys or girls, he's just too young to wear it. I guess you can compromise with child friendly (as in non toxic) nail polish, he can obviously have his hair in any age appropriate style as he doesn't go to school and wear sparkly tops or whatever is age appropriate in terms of being able to play and be comfortable and generally be seven years old!

I'd check what he's accessing on YouTube, tiktok, Roblox even etc. if he has unsupervised screen time with internet access.

You said:

I showed him some male make up artists that I follow on IG but beyond that idk whether to show him more to normalise that for him?

Following later by:
And I'm not trying to sexualise him at all.

You are trying to sexualise him. You are trying too hard to be 'progressive mum'.

Stop. Just let him be bloody seven years old. Don't do gendered stereotypes or stereotypes of being gay. It's reactionary and quite frankly slightly offensive.

Just let him be himself.

oh good lord.. why are some parents in such a rush to ensure their children have a label? he's 7! he is home schooled so i assume doesn't have the same interactions with boys and girls his age. probably doesn't interact with anyone his own age to be honest!

he's got many many years ahead of him to work out what he is or wants to be, why can he just for now, be a child?

probably because you want him to have his label..

He is not attracted to boys, he just finds them more congenial company, as most 7 year old boys do, just as they find the girls a total pain. It is all gloriously normal.

Do not impose your adult interpretation of this on a small child.

By all means tell him he can wear what he likes - that's not a problem.

Why label a 7 year old ?

7 year olds do not know if they are gay or not

So your 7 year old said
’He wishes he could be pretty like girls and not be so shy about wearing prettier clothes and wants to wear make up and nails’

This is an unusual thing for a 7 year old to say

Make up and nails arent for CHILDREN

Indeed. He perhaps wants to be like mummy (noting the lack of social interaction due to home schooling) because he has a natural desire to copy and fit in. Perhaps mummy has some other rather backwards stereotypes about what is 'boys' and what is 'girls'. Remember autistic kids find gender non conformity difficult to understand because it 'breaks the rules'.

Loads of possible explanations.

But mummy just to the conclusion that he's gay.

That says much more about mummy than son.

Only screen time he has it when it's supervised, he certainly doesn't have access to roblox or YouTube.

I was trying to break the gender stereotypes by showing him male make up artists 🤦‍♀️ rather than showing him women only. Or should I be saying make up is for women only?

Why not experiment with make up? He loves using face paints and using glitter to be creative.

He's not wearing it in a sexualised way?

I don't feel equipped to deal with how he is talking to me so I've turned to here but it appears most people are saying I should just be shutting down the conversation and saying he is a boy and a child.

I suppose I thought I should be an open ear for him and help him feel like it's okay to be hwoever he wants.