Trans politics upsetting family

[RoseyH]

Hi all
my son is a young adult so I hope it’s ok to post on here.
He is gay and came out when he was about 13.
He is high functioning neuro diverse but always done well. Seemed happy at school and we are a large blended family. He has a twin brother and four other siblings/step siblings.
He completed his maths degree and started dating a man who seemed nice enough.
over the past 3 years my son has now moved in with his boyfriend who has gone through identifying as non binary and now is a trans woman. All of this was fine to all of us and whilst it is new, we have tried to be understanding and welcoming.
I bought all the kids a weekend away and whilst there, my son’s now girlfriend asked all the kids if they felt they had an abusive childhood and if I was abusing them? They all came straight to tell me that they are really worried that my son’s girlfriend is bad news and they are worried for my son. They found her very controlling and angry all the time.
My son is now on benefits and they stay inside all the time gaming . My son has admitted to me he has been really depressed.
He has now written to me telling me he won’t see me or speak to me.
I really don’t know what to do! We were always close! Watching Tv together and even sharing shows whilst he was away at uni.
I have other friends with trans children and have always been accepting.
What do I do?

It sounds as if your son is a victim of coercive control. I worry that it will be difficult to get help without being accused of transphobia. The only organisation I can think of that might be helpful for you to talk to for advice would be the Bayswater Trust.
All I can add is that IME, coercive control/abusive relationships can happen in all kinds of relationships, regardless of sexual orientation or identity.
I am so sorry. You must be extremely worried.

Absolutely! I have absolutely no issue with the trans aspect. Whatever floats your boat is fine by me but this person is nasty and destructive. My other kids are all so upset

Did you challenge them at the time about asking your kids if you had abused them?
i fucking would have.

I have not been permitted to have a conversation with them since! 🥺

It doesn't sound like this has anything to do with trans politics, this person is just nasty!

It's not trans politics, it's that your son has a shit boyfriend who uses trans as a means of coercive control.

The trouble is, if OP actually says that, the accusations of transphobia will rain down upon her and she will be no further forward.
Sometimes you need to find a way to support and help a victim to get out without further antagonising the perpetrator.
As with any abusive relationship, leaving is the most dangerous time.

I wonder whether your other kids could help here? Clearly this person is poison for your DS and this is not a healthy way to live. But I also agree that if you try to intervene it may be twisted against you.
However his siblings may be able to get through ? Do they know any other friends of his? Again someone who can speak with him and help him break out of this

I agree with others, the issue has nothing to do with the partner being trans, the issue is they appear to be controlling and nasty. Will your son talk to his siblings? There are a few domestic abuse charities that you can contact for advice, have a google

What explanation was given in the letter for not seeing you?

If I were you I'd write back, and also text , voice message, email your son explaining how sad this has made you, that you love him unconditionally and that you will always be here for him in whatever shape and time he needs

Let him know you love him without judgment and don't even mention his partner so they can't accuse you of judging or accusing.

As PP have said I'd speak to a domestic abuse charity to get the best advice on how to manage this and support him hopefully to leave this abuse.

Done all of that
apparently my sending love is ‘emotional manipulation’
spoke to Clare’s law but they sent police round which was very unhelpful! 🙄
all his words are language I know is not his! It’s very sad

Just a hand hold from me.
my DD is in a similar position. Persueded we were transphobic by her partner, backed up by the therapist and friends who you would think you could count on.
DD now no contact, and our marriage is breaking down as we struggle to make sense of it all.
sorry nothing more constructive to say. The bayswater group is very useful, also genspect.

Your son is in an abusive relationship, the Trans issue isn't relevant. You could contact Galop which is an LGBTQ organisation for advice.

And agree, the trans issue is a convenient distraction that gets everyone confused.