13 year old daughter about to be outed by school bullies

[worriedparent2024]

Our 13 year old daughter has just found out that two girls who bullied her last academic year at school have evidence that she is gay. They are almost certainly not going to keep this information to themselves and I need urgent help to know how to deal with this please.

I have the number of one of the mothers - do I call her and ask her to speak with her daughter and remind her that outing is illegal / considered a hate crime? (is it? I think it is but can’t seem to confirm this online). I’ve only met the mum once and don’t know her at all - but if she’s anything like her daughter I don’t expect much sympathy.

We’ll need to speak with the school - which thankfully is LGBT-friendly, but it sounds like there are a lot of homophobic kids in my daughter’s class. And teenagers can be arseholes, whether you’re gay, short, fat etc…

My daughter came out to us a few weeks ago and she knows that we love and support her, and I am thankful that our relationship is strong enough that she felt she could talk to us about it. But extended family do not know. And her four best friends at school do not know - they seem to suspect but my daughter has been worried about being ostracized, and also about anyone at school knowing.

I think my daughter needs to tell her friends sooner rather than later because she will need whatever support she can muster. And if her friends do not support her, then this is something she needs to know sooner rather than later.

I’m torn between denying and owning this. She is so brave to already be able to identify and own that she is a lesbian and feel comfortable telling her parents and little sister, but to do that at secondary school feels like a step too far at such a young age. But I do also think that the less fear she shows, and the more she tries to shrug
it off the better - it will diminish the power these bullies and homophobes will feel they have over her. But again, this is hard to do at this age.

What can we as her parents do?

What can she do? Are there any quick comebacks to silence the random kids who try to shame her in the hallways? Silence is not always an option and we want to equip our daughter to handle this as best as possible. Any advice would be really appreciated please. Thanks

I don't think other children will be as bothered as you think.

If it's unavoidable, can you work on how to deal with bad experiences with her, boost her confidence etc, instead of trying to prevent being outed?

Thank you all for your words of support and advice. It means a lot to me and I have shared the advice with my husband and daughter.

The bullying took place a year ago and was relational aggression by “friends” who DD took time to understand were not real friends. We knew something was up but it was only when things became more overt that the penny dropped
for her and she told us. DD is ND and can be oblivious to situations at times. Once she came out I did ask if that situation could have been related to her sexuality but she didn't think so. I now think it may have been - hence their digging this up.

We have talked through social media issues repeatedly and thought DD understood and was being careful. It seems she wanted a place where she could feel free to express her identity, and thought she had found it. We clearly need to be more on top of this than we thought we were.

It is definitely, and unfortunately, a good lesson in privacy and social media for both her - and us as parents.

We live in a major city with a diverse community but unfortunately the homophobic voices seem to be louder than the pro/neutral ones at school. We will be speaking to the school about this regardless - they have been great in helping combat the bullying and do have a very positive culture. I do think DD’s cohort has some cultural dynamics which are very anti-gay, which doesn’t help.

She plans to tell her best friend today when they meet up. We’re all anxious in case this doesn’t go well as the girl is very sweet and kind but her family might not be so understanding.

We regularly model conversations and one liners as a family, so she has the language and the confidence to deal with social situations. I really appreciate the examples provided. We are going down the route of nonchalance - not showing fear will be hard but DD understands that she cannot feed this and has to do what she can to shrug it off and minimize the impact.

I hate that this is still a thing in 2024. But I love that mumsnet provides a safe space to get support. Thank you.

Oh FFS, of course MN is being dismissive about bullying---- homophobia.

Why on earth should the victim move school to get away from bullies? They are the pupils who should be out of school if necessary.

OP I would not waste time on the parents, as you say the main place children learn these attitudes is at home - its for the school to address. If you have any evidence in the form of messages etc then take that with you but be on the front foot. Demand to know why, in 2024, their school is not a place where a teenager can "own" being lesbian. That is just as big an issue as expecting them to investigate and address the bullying.

Be prepared for them to point at gay male examples and to need to push back on this as whilst both sexes experience homophobia the nature and form can be quite different.

Seconded, very well put.

Also, as an ND lesbian may I suggest a couple of replies? Things like 'Get with the times, bullies don't target lesbians these days!', 'Yeah, I'm fairly sure I am - what's it to you?', 'Where have you come from with that line, 1985?', "Yeah, but don't worry, I'll never ask YOU for a date". Obviously tweak those to fit her style/slang etc.

And I remember a few years ago a lot of well-known lesbian and gay people made a series of short films called 'It Gets Better' - it may be worth you looking them up to see if you think any might still be of use.

Best of luck.

Thank you so, so much for all these great suggestions.

Agreed! We’ll be dealing with the school
on Monday. Interestingly, DD refuses to join the Pride club at school because it’s the only club held in that particular part of the building so would be even more outing. I might suggest they think about making it more discreet because I do think knowing there are other girls at school who are gay could help her feel less alone.

I also came here to say that the best friend has taken it very well and there’s been no change to their dynamic. Still thick as thieves and giggling like thirteen year olds should. God knows what awaits her at school on Monday, but she will at least have one ally. And a long list of comebacks to stand up for herself and take control of her narrative.

I don’t know about your daughter’s school, but at our school, the bullies would get horrible pushback over something like this. The response to kids coming out is pretty much nothing.

There is a huge support club at the school for lbgt+ kids and allies. finding out someone is in that club is the same as finding out someone plays football or is in the school play. These kids have grown up being taught that this isn’t an issue so only the bigots care anymore. It’s worse to be labeled a bigot than to be gay.

There shouldn't be so called ‘Pride clubs’ in secondary schools. It does several things, including, as the OP has pointed out, signalling to everyone what someone's sexuality might be. It’s the very antitheses of inclusive! Children are not daft - they are sick and fed up of being told that you have to be ‘queer’ to be special, that you have to believe in gender ideology which seems to go hand in hand with sexual preferences these days, and that if you’re a tomboy you must be a bloke.
Vulnerable children are often targeted, in particular girls with ASD.
One’s sexual preference is personal and private and doesn’t need discussing with anyone. Its about bloody time homosexuality was normalised!