13 year old daughter about to be outed by school bullies

[worriedparent2024]

Our 13 year old daughter has just found out that two girls who bullied her last academic year at school have evidence that she is gay. They are almost certainly not going to keep this information to themselves and I need urgent help to know how to deal with this please.

I have the number of one of the mothers - do I call her and ask her to speak with her daughter and remind her that outing is illegal / considered a hate crime? (is it? I think it is but can’t seem to confirm this online). I’ve only met the mum once and don’t know her at all - but if she’s anything like her daughter I don’t expect much sympathy.

We’ll need to speak with the school - which thankfully is LGBT-friendly, but it sounds like there are a lot of homophobic kids in my daughter’s class. And teenagers can be arseholes, whether you’re gay, short, fat etc…

My daughter came out to us a few weeks ago and she knows that we love and support her, and I am thankful that our relationship is strong enough that she felt she could talk to us about it. But extended family do not know. And her four best friends at school do not know - they seem to suspect but my daughter has been worried about being ostracized, and also about anyone at school knowing.

I think my daughter needs to tell her friends sooner rather than later because she will need whatever support she can muster. And if her friends do not support her, then this is something she needs to know sooner rather than later.

I’m torn between denying and owning this. She is so brave to already be able to identify and own that she is a lesbian and feel comfortable telling her parents and little sister, but to do that at secondary school feels like a step too far at such a young age. But I do also think that the less fear she shows, and the more she tries to shrug
it off the better - it will diminish the power these bullies and homophobes will feel they have over her. But again, this is hard to do at this age.

What can we as her parents do?

What can she do? Are there any quick comebacks to silence the random kids who try to shame her in the hallways? Silence is not always an option and we want to equip our daughter to handle this as best as possible. Any advice would be really appreciated please. Thanks

I'd speak to the school so they're prepared to support her and to report the other girls for bullying.
I'd encourage her to speak to her friends but if she's not ready to that's also fine but I'd discuss with her what she would say if they outright ask.
It's a horrible experience. Please reassure her that whether she's out or not is down to her. Nobody comes out as straight.
And thank you for being an understanding parent.
Short version: yes, please contact school and let her lead on how she approaches it with her friends

What is the 'evidence'?

I think I'd ask her exactly what SHE wants to.do first. But what fabulous parents she has that she felt able to come out to you

I think it depends what the evidence is? Also telling someone, someone was seen kissing x isn't bullying it's gossip so it really does depend. If she's not ready to come out she shouldn't have to, could she just say she thinks she's prefers girls but hasn't decided. Although at 13 she shouldn't have to decided.

Honestly, this is less of a big deal than it was when we were at school. Lots and lots of girls openly say they are lesbian now. I'd encourage her to own it in as nonchalantly as possible and focus on the general bullying and getting that resolved.

The evidence is that my daughter had a social media account she thought was private, from which she shared a video with lesbian content. She had also posted a comment on it that made it clear she was a lesbian. The two girls came across this and both commented “hello” so my daughter would know they knew. They deleted their comments before my daughter could take a screenshot. My daughter has now deleted the account. But there is no way these girls did not screenshot this. My daughter panicked and immediately sent them both messages on a different platform asking them not to say anything because it would cause her problems. My daughter told me about all of this 2 minutes later when I woke up for the day, and I made her delete the messages. They “appear” not to have seen these messages. We have told her she has not to message ANYONE and to only open up messages she receives with another phone ready to photograph it if necessary.

Honestly, the bullies would get a lot of stick for trying to use someone's sexuality against them in this day and age. DD and DS' friend groups pretty much all identify as pan, demi, 'queer', gay, trans etc or at least say they do, and very openly. It's really not cool these days to be homophobic so let these girls carry on. They will be met with eye rolls- at best.

As for dealing with this with your DD, don't feed into any 'this is such a big deal' sense of alarm. Encourage her to brush it off. So she commented something on social media. No biggie. Everything will be fine

Firatky if ahe tells her frienda she tales the power away from the bullies. Her friends wont care and tehy will alao aupport her with the bullies

Tell school also
Also i would tell the parents

When I was at an all girls school, 20 years ago, being a lesbian was something people were bullied about. When I taught in an all girls school, the last 10 years has seen a huge change and it’s almost become ‘cool’ to be a lesbian and certainly not fuel for bullies anymore. Honestly, so many kids were openly gay from year 7 onwards and it wasn’t a big deal.

I think your daughter might be worrying unnecessarily here. Her bullies might try and stir some trouble up, but I don’t think it will be met with much more than an “oh, is she?” kind of thing.

I would encourage her to tell her friends though.

Being gay is nothing Tonne ashamed of, so although your daughter's sexuality isn't anyone else's news to share, the way you handle this will speak volumes to your DD.

I would speak to the school and tell them she is not returning until the bullying is addressed. I'd want a conversation with the head of year ASAP, and reassurance that they are dealing with this. Don't let them fob you off that this has happened out of school time and over SM. It doesn't matter what the bullying is about, it's affecting your DD and her ability to learn, so the school need to deal with it and also address the homophobia within the school community .

I would encourage your DD to own that she is gay, although she's still so young I totally understand she may not want to confirm or deny.

I would talk your dd through what she would like to happen/how she would like to react if they do out her, and coach her through what she would say or do. She's got nothing to be ashamed of, so if they do out her, she could just say "so what?" And just repeat that to whatever they say. She's not being silent then but she's also no need to get into a slanging match with the other girls - keep the moral high ground then report to the school.

The bullies may not do anything with this information either so try not to worry about what they might do. If other bullying has already happened then that should all be reported obviously.

This sounds like the best plan. No big deal.

Lessons learned about what to post on SM and what not to post.
I really think that owning it and shrugging off any bullying attempt would be the way to go. She's gay. So what?

@worriedparent2024 not the point of this thread but I'd also be using this as a learning tool that nothing we do online is ever truly private.

Even Mumsnet has fallen foul of this, if you were here a few years ago you'll know about 'Joffrey' and the thousands of usernames and email addresses he published.

Sometimes you can even like a seemingly innocent post about something the vast majority of people will 'like' like remembrance day and it be posted by a rightwing group, - that scenario has lost people jobs before or 'liking' things and then the poster changing the image to something awful - that too has lost people jobs.

Recruiters look at our social interactions as do journalists etc if she ever becomes a public figure and they will happily go back to the teen years so well worth being mindful of.

I also think the nonchalant approach is the way forward. Contacting the girls’ parents makes it all so much more serious. To some extent this could be seen as internalised homophobia - keeping it a secret, getting others to keep it a secret.
She’s 13, she may or may not be gay. It really isn’t the big deal you think it is. Please don’t make her feel she has to hide her sexuality from everybody else.

I think planning her responses is a good idea, and keeping in very non confrontational and also fairly vague could work.

Something like 'why would that be a problem?' Or 'why would being gay be an issue?' type of thing and then walking away, seemingly unbothered might be the best option

Re her friends: does she want them to know?
If not, rather than totally denying she could again keep it neutral and just tell them she isn't sure how she feels about anything just yet.

I agree with Lynette, encourage her to be proud, own it, and say : "And"? in a nonchalant way. An email also to HoY to get a year assembly on bullying and acceptance generally.

I think you are mistaken, it is not illegal and is not a hate crime. No one is condoning nastiness here, but that wasn't what you were referring to. Petitions have been put forward before but failed, possibly for good reason because the legislation already in place is sound.

Besides the 'outing' issue I think this is a very useful lesson for your DD about how to behave online and the consequences. I think you need to sit down and discuss the permanency of things like comments under videos and how these things can be dragged up years later.

It's not the 90s. I thought most kids were 'queer coded' one way or another nowadays. Do you live in a small town or something? Is it really as bad as you say at the school. If most people in her class are homophobic maybe she should move to a more inclusive school.

@worriedparent2024 it is your DD’s call but it would probably be better if she were to tell her good friends first. True friends will support her, but if they are last to know there may be drama around ‘why didn’t she tell us’ along with everything else going on.

I’d be concerned that the bullies seem to have their hooks in/DD isn’t drawing boundaries if they are able to spot her other account so quickly and with DD responding to them. DD should try not to react to them. Asking them not to tell anyone has given them control.

It’s a minefield!

Tell your daughter. Laugh in their face. Own it.

Bullies: Dd is a lesbian, look at this.
DD: LOL. Didn't you know! What rock have you been living under?!

Shake her head and walk off still laughing. Fuck all wrong with being gay. Treat them like the silly, immature children they are.

honestly I can see why your DD is panicking, but reassure her it's so so normal in schools now. My DD is in primary and likes both girls and boys, she's told loads of people and only had one or two comments. She meets them with eyerolls.
The best way for her to deal is to be so "don't give a damn" attitude. Responses such as "is that really your business". "So what!l etc. If she owns it and doesn't care they will back off.

Yeah in this day and age it just needs a shrug and a 'So what?'

I know it probably feels like a much bigger deal to her though.

In truth, it sounds like she needs more parental guidance and control over her social media too and phone use too. She's still very young.

Honestly the kids who water won’t give a fig. It really is a “ so what “