Teen Sleepovers

[BadgerMum123]

DD (13) told us recently she had a gf, we’d long suspected this would be the case at some point so not a huge surprise. This gf lasted about a month then fizzled out. Now she has a new friend who she says is just a friend but they’re very touchy feely, want to be together all the time (she does tend to be quite obsessive about people generally so not a particular indication of relationship). However she wants to have a sleepover. We’ve told her that we wouldn’t let her have a boy to sleepover and she understands why that is, and said it’s the same with girls because even if nothing sexual is happening that doesn’t mean it won’t. She swears they are just friends and it’s unfair she isn’t allowed to sleepover with friends. I can see if from her side, it is a part of growing up to have sleepovers. But how do we know she’s not just telling us they’re friends so they can have a sleepover?! I feel a blanket no-sleepover rule is the simplest way to deal with it but I can see why she feels it’s unfair at the same time. Anyone had any similar experiences and can offer advice on how to navigate this????

One on one in this case is not okay. You don't know how her parents will react.

Yh sorry one on one sleepovers with the sex she's attracted to is a no. She's going to have to understand that.

Yep I agree with you. No sleep overs

she swears blind it’s just a friend and she obviously has other friends who are girls. Do we just say no to all sleepovers now to avoid complications? I hope she’d tell us if it was a girlfriend but I’ve also been a teenager and know I’d have told my parents anything to get what I wanted!!

Her mum has spoken to me and is also wary but her solution is to let them sleepover but she’ll sleep in the same room. I dont think this is appropriate….cant even explain why im not happy with it though 😂.

Just say no.
Not appropriate for your daughter to have 1 "friend" sleepover. And
Not appropriate for your daughter to share a room with an adult

I am a lesbian and I would have been mortified if I wasn't allowed to have same sex sleepovers as a teenager.

Yes she is attracted to girls but this doesn't mean anything will happen on this sleepover. I had plenty of female friends at that age and would never have tried anything.

Surely you would support your daughter to use a female changing room? And not claim she should change away from other girls? But obviously teenage boys should never use a female changing room.

Even in the extremely unlikely event something does happen, it will be no more than a kiss. 13 year old girls are extremely unlikely to get themselves into a sexual situation.

Teenage boys are the ones to watch out for.

Let her have the sleepover.

Oh and yes definitely weird of the other girls mum to suggest sleeping in with them!

I’m not sure how using a changing room is the same as sleeping in the same room..? I’m not saying she’ll be attracted to all girls, but she wouldn’t be attracted to all boys either and I wouldn’t allow sleepovers with any boy whether they were dating or not.

It’s a tough one op because she is sort of being “punished” if absolutely no sleep overs are allowed with anyone just because of her sexuality.
if she fancied boys then presumably she would be able to have girl friends over to stay?

I have a 13 year old daughter too so I know how convincing they can be when they set their mind on something. She was honest over the last girl who was more than a friend so i don’t know why she wouldn’t tell you if the new friend was her girlfriend. You obviously have a great relationship where she can be herself and open up to you. I would give it time and see if it is just a friendship or whether it’s more. It’s a sort of compromise but it would mean no immediate sleepovers. Good luck!

Oh god Op please don't listen to this poster. What nonsense. 13 year old girls are just as horny as boys!

Again I just want to reiterate I'd allow sleepovers as long as it's not 1 on 1.

I just said they couldn't have 1:1 and had to invite other friends too.

For me I wasn't too concerned about sexual things but spending too much time 1:1 I think leads to a higher level emotional bond which at 13 they really don't need and need to have a break or a'middle man' to dilute the experience. I haven't explained it very well but hopefully you get it

Tbh I was categorically not allowed sleepovers until I was 16+ and this wasn't even that unusual in my circles at the time, there were a few of us whose parents had the same rule. At the time I was annoyed about it (although didn't feel particularly othered because a few of my friends were in the same position). My kids are little now but I can see my DPs view clearly now as a parent and can envisage taking the same approach. I am bisexual myself which my DPs were aware of. Obviously I'm not going to go into any details but there definitely were girls of 13 engaging in 'more' than kissing with other girls in the circles I moved in way back then and most of the parents were unaware.

She has been honest before, but it wasn’t until we officially knew she’d had a girlfriend that the sleepover thing became an issue. She now knows we wouldn’t allow a girlfriend to sleep over so wonder if she would try to get round it by saying it’s just a friend.
I wouldn’t let any boys stay whether they were dating or not, so I feel I should apply the same to girls. But I totally get what you mean about her being punished, that’s why I’m so conflicted.

Yeah I can see the conflict too. It’s not an easy one. She’s gotta have mates over to stay like everyone else does but having a parent in the room isn’t the answer.