Dd and damage from binders

[Lovemusic82]

Dd bought herself a binder a year ago, she’s at uni and is now an adult, she wouldn’t listen to my opinion or worries and still won’t. She’s home from uni for Easter and I noticed her breast are almost purple from wearing the binder (I feel like crying), she has large boobs, FF or bigger (she won’t get them measured as she hates them), she’s not bothered about the damage the binder is causing as she hates her boobs and her body anyway. I a, trying to get her to look into alternatives but she says she has the best binder you can buy, not sure how true this is. She also say she only wears it for a few hours at a time so she doesn’t think it’s damaging her.

Are there any alternatives? She won’t compromise and wear a sports/compression bra. She’s autistic and seems to think everything I say is wrong, she’s totally obsessed with the trans culture and it makes me sad that she’s happy to destroy her body to look more ‘male’.

No help but watching this with a lot of interest for advuce you get from others.

Hugs op, it's completely shit, isn't it?

It is. I feel like she hates me now for mentioning her boobs and for trying to find a solution. Everything I say is wrong.

@Lovemusic82 you might be better posting on the Feminism Sex and Gender board, there are wide-ranging discussions there but lots of support for parents going through this kind of thing. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, it must be really hard to watch her doing this to herself.

Sex & gender discussions - women's rights | Mumsnet | Mumsnet

In my experience, once they get the desired flatness from a binder then nothing else will satisfy. My 19 yo DD has admitted that it causes her a lot of back pain and poor posture but won’t listen to any reasonable argument against them. I haven’t ever bought her one- she clearly had friends doing it for her, or even washed one (I’ve no idea how she kept it clean when she wasn’t in college?)
It kills me that she does this- or uses some kind of chest tape which I’ve also found:(
No easy answer but just to let you know you’re not alone in this:(

Exact same situation here. No advice except to remember to look after yourself. You are not alone. Bayswater support group exists for parents like us. Sadly there are too many of us. Something has gone very badly wrong in our society.

Its self harm and no one will recognise this, in the same way a person starves or binges due to body dysmorphia or even people that wish they were blind or deaf.

But no one will address this.

I havent worked with any young person who is trans, who isnt on the spectrum or awaiting a diagnosis. Not one. They are all on the spectrum with other comorbid factors.

My daughters rarely gets washed 🤢, I will wash it before she goes back to uni. We have talked and she has said that she thinks she bought the wrong size and need the next one up. I told her that I understand that at the moment she doesn’t care what damage she’s doing but she may in the future. She refused to buy a different brand of binder because the brand she has makes her flatter than the others would. We have now ordered the next size up. She’s been home all week and has been bra/binder less, she only wears it when she goes out.

I do think it is a form of self harm, dd has some disabilities that make her body different, she has hypermobility and muscle issues, she also has a large overbite due to her bottom jaw not growing properly, she has been bullied a lot through high school but now has a group of friends (mainly trans and gay friends), it’s the first time she has fit in anywhere. I keep beating myself up about it wondering if it’s something I have done wrong? I have always supported her and stuck up for her, she’s not had a hard home life and no major trauma in her life. I just hope that one day she changes her mind and realises that she’s damaging her body. She talks about surgery and hormones but luckily she can’t fund these as she’s not currently in work.

It is self harm which we are not allowed to combat without being called bigoted or risk losing your child. The harm girls are doing to themselves is worse than boys who cosplay at being a girl. I hate the times we are living. Vicious misogyny deemed as progressive.

...and seriously, how is this anything in anyway similar to being gay? Why all under the same umbrella?

This exactly. It’s not the same at all. I’ve always been really open minded about sexuality and have always told dd that I don’t mind if she brings home a girl or a boy, as long as she’s happy and treated right then I’m happy. Damaging her body in order to identify as a different sex is totally different. Sadly I no longer get a say in anything she does, it’s her body but she forgets that I’m the one who created her and gave birth to her. Seeing her damage herself is just awful.

My daughter is autistic and a lesbian, so obviously she identifies as a boy too.😞

Do you have FFs OP? I do, and with no gender dysphoria in the slightest, I have always wanted my boobs gone. I've worn 2 bras to flatten and compress since I was 14 and if binders were available back in the day, I would have been wearing one too.

I think there is more than gender dysphoria to consider here. FF is a very large and heavy breast. And you mentioned hypermobility? So she's fighting even harder to stay upright. Poor kid.

DBT (therapy) is recommended for autistic women; is DD having counselling?

Can you help her sort overbite (Invisalign etc.) and might this help with her self-esteem?

I have friends who have had breast reductions due to muscular-skeletal pain linked to heavy boobs; again, is this an option?

My ASD 15 year old DD is desperate to get binders 😣
We've spoken to her counsellors and paediatrician who all advised no but she won't listen. I'm taking her to a LGBTQ support counsellor soon and they run get together (mediated) with 11-15 year olds so hoping she gets put off here too. It's very worrying 😔

Help her look into breast reduction due to the size. She is likely in lot of pain, both physical and emotional, from the weight, how that compounds difficulties with hypermobility and her general relationship to her body.

I agree with this 100% because sadly I’m in the same situation with my 19 yo. My DD has small breast to begin with but has been binding/using KT tape for over 2 years now and must be in pain from it honestly. It breaks my heart. I’d happily celebrate if she could just embrace being female and gay, and have a healthy relationship full stop. So far it’s just been ‘hooking up’ (her words) so she doesn’t have a clue about being in a relationship. It’s all part of a larger mental health issue (undiagnosed ADHD/depression)
I’m just so sad there are so many of our young people in such similar situations:(

@RIPDotCotton hello lovely, hope you are OK.
Another Mum in the same boat here, DD 20 at Uni has been wearing binders for several year, roughly a 34A, it's not something we discuss. We parents have very little say when our children reach 18, I have a strained relationship with my DD as she is 2.5 hours away and considers me and her father to be transphobic - she's been consumed by this awful cult. There is much more to our story - as is the case for many others - but not going to expand for now. I just try to stay in touch via text, just bombard her with love and non judgemental support.
OP I've little to offer in the way of advice - sorry - but sending you a hug and supportive thoughts.

This sounds just like my situation. Dd rarely talks to me (we go weeks with not talking), she would happily never come home or see us, she doesn’t stay ing contact with her father or siblings either, I’m pretty sure she tells her friends that her family is transphobic. I’m not transphobic, one of my best friends is trans, I just don’t want her damaging her body due to some kind of trend/cult. I contact her every 2 weeks at the moment, she never initiates contact, she will be home for the summer but only because she has nowhere else to go.

@Lovemusic82 Sending you a hug, it is very hard. I'm on eggshells when I communicate with her - usually by text. We don't bring up trans issues otherwise we would not speak at all and I have know that she is OK. She has made two attempts on her life but currently seems to be in an OK place, her antidepressants seem to be helping. I just encourage her to keep busy, eat and sleep well and get outside into the fresh air - basic stuff but she doesn't always do these things. I am constantly worried but try not to think about her all the time otherwise I wouldn't get anything done.

OP I’m in a similar boat to you and others on this thread, DD is at uni and I can’t stop her from doing what she wants to her body. She wears a binder and I’m concerned she may try and get hormones and I’m not sure what to do if she does as she won’t listen to reason. Sending hugs.

Sending ((hugs)) as I’m in exactly the same position as many of you. It kills me that my DD uses chest tape/binders and at this point is living a double life as a male at college. Thankfully we still text/FaceTime and the trans issue only comes up intermittently (after she’s had a therapy appointment with her completely affirming trans activist therapist😔)
Right now the only input we have is that we are funding her college (pricey here in the US) so I am refusing to pay for hormones/surgery whilst we are funding 4 years of college so she can pursue her career! Once they are over 18 it’s out of our hands and it’s terrifying:(