Worried dd (19) will take testosterone

[Lovemusic82]

Dd is very immature for her age, she has Autism and often acts like a child despite being very intelligent, she also has physical disabilities and is in receipt of PIP. She is in her 2nd year at uni and instantly joined LGBTQ+ societies and made friends with several other trans teens, she changed her name and has asked everyone to call her ‘he’. She has mentioned surgery and hormones many times because it’s something she talks about with her friends.

This evening she told me how excited she was for her friend as they have managed to raise enough money to start testosterone. I didn’t know how to react about her excitement so I just changed the subject. This friend seems to have a huge influence on dd, she talked about them all the times and spends a lot of time with them.

At the moment I am DD’s appointee for her PIP money, I give her a set amount each week to cover what she needs to help her whilst at uni and the rest I use to pay for the upkeep of her pets she has at home, to pay her phone bill, bus passes and any clothes she needs. I’m worried she will demand to have her PIP payed to her and she will then use it to fund testosterone.

I know she’s an adult but I’m petrified that she will get testosterone and I’m worried about the risks (those that are known but also those long term effects that we don’t yet know).

How does getting testosterone prescribed work? Would someone access her first? Would they consider the fact she has autism and other disabilities? Or is it a case of “money can buy anything”?

I have tried to talk to her about my worries many times but this has resulted in her just not wanting to be around me, getting angry with me and telling me I don’t understand. She says she wants to be a man, she feels like a man but she doesn’t do anything I would consider as ‘manly’, if you saw her in the street you wouldn’t even think she was trans.

Hi,
I didn’t want to read and run but I’m not sure what the answer is when they are legally an adult. I should preface by saying I am in a very similar (scary and sad) situation with a 19 yo DD who is away at college, says she is really male and wanting support to move towards a medical route. You can look at my previous post about my whole situation.
You’re not alone. There are almost always co-morbidities in the picture (Autism, ADHD, mental health issues) yet the medical profession seems to ignore this so far:(
My fears are your fears, except that we’re in the US so my DD could go to a doctor tomorrow and get a prescription (free because of our type of health insurance) - she wouldn’t even have to find the money (thankfully she would for any kind of surgery at least)
One thought (an idea from a friends I found through here) is that if you know the GP or clinic your daughter might use, you can c

I think maybe keep channels open and discuss how just because something seems to be great for one person doesn't mean it's the answer for another. This is the attitude I take with my non binary teen who is very excited by online friends getting top surgery or going on 'T'. They have admitted they were interested in 'low dose T', and I'd rather they didn't go there but luckily they are so into singing right now they don't want to do anything that might affect their voice.

Sorry- pressed send too soon!
You could contact/write a letter to the practice manager/ person who oversees complaints or appeals, and be explicit about the issues your DD is dealing with eg autism, and that they would be responsible for medicalizing an ideology (which is what this social contagion is in reality!)
I know your daughter (as is mine) is an adult but a paper trail pointing out their responsibilities to ‘do no harm’ means treating the whole patient- just an idea.
Cross sex hormones are harmful, permanent and lead to a lifetime of unnecessary medical care and other consequences. I know my DD and she is not mature enough to make a lifelong decision right now (for many reasons) and yet the train rolls on and I, like you, am terrified:(
Sending hugs and love. Take care of yourself.

And I echo the previous poster- keep those lines of communication open. Listen, ask questions. It’s the hardest thing not to jump in and counter argue every point (and if they are involved in the online ‘glitter’ community they will have an answer for everything!)
Be honest, ask for time to digest and do your own research. When you’re dealing with an adult that’s about all you can do (aside from refusing to fund whatever step they want to take)
Good luck. You’re not alone.

Sadly they can buy 'T' on line and bypasd doctors. Somethkng to be aware of.

Another Mum in exactly the same position here, it's a pervasive, extremely stressful thing all round. I don't know how testosterone is prescribed, I have evaded asking my DD, just adopting a watchful waiting/continual love and support approach, like others in the same boat. Sorry not much help. Do check out Genspect and the Bayswater Support Group, both very helpful.

Thank you, sorry for those going through the same thing. It’s very hard to talk to her because she’s very defensive, she just tells me that she knows the risks and doesn’t care, she doesn’t want children as she feels her autism will make her a bad parent and she wouldn’t be able to connect with a baby/child to look after it, so she’s not worried about the possibility of permanently messing up her reproductive system. What worries me is that she has never had a relationship with anyone so how does she know how she will feel if she was to get into a relationship with someone? She may feel different if she meets someone? Having friends is pretty new to her and she seems to want to do what ever they are doing rather than making her own choices.

She knows how/where to get testosterone, at the moment she hasn’t got the money to fund it, she is sensible with money 99% of the time but I wouldn’t trust her not to spend her PIP money to fund getting T. I’m secretly hoping her friend has a awful time taking it and dd see’s that it’s not a wonder drug/hormone that’s going to turn her into a man.

Due to your DD’s learning disability would she have capacity for such things? Is it worth speaking to SW to discuss a capacity assessment?

Sadly I have a lot of experience in this area from working in mental health and family experience. It takes a lot for someone to be deemed ‘not capable of making their own decisions’, there’s no chance she wouldn’t pass a capacity assessment. She doesn’t have a LD, she’s at uni doing a degree and very capable, just very immature.

The idea that our natural female hormones are only necessary if we want a child is totally false. We need our normal, natural hormones for everything as they help our mental health, our digestive system, our major organs, our skin, everything. I would do some research on the endocrine system as your dd could be operating out of ignorance of her own anatomy and physiology.

Do you have some articles or websites that you would recommend we could research and read up on this? I’m in the same situation with my 19 yo DD and I want to research as much as I can!

I'd start with the sex matters website:

sex-matters.org/

They have lots of helpful information (including a section for parents) and links to lots of studies and research.

It's a really good resource.

I'd also look at PITT Parents www.pittparents.com/ (parents with inconvenient truths about trans).

Lots of material from parents in a similar situation.

Hello, hopping in to the thread to offer empathy and agree that Genspect and bayswater is useful.
we now need to explain to our son, 15 , what his sibling is up to. I find that I get confused and sound daft, there is so much to cover, esp as the peer influences are so strong. His uncle thinks it’s just a bit of rebellion and we are overreacting which doesn’t help.
can anyone suggest any resources that I can use to explain to son?
sorry to hijack OP. And thank sdraginfly that’s a good point.

I hope I can be of some help. I have a DD 20 who has maintained she is a man since she was 13. Her friend took testosterone and developed facial hair quickly. She stopped.
I told my daughter this,:

We have always had trans people but they are mostly male and the true mtf has irreversible surgery (not many do now). It has been steady at 2000 per year for decades. Who are you hoping to fall in love with? Because gay men want a partner with a functioning penis. Any phalaplasty doesn't work without a pump.
You will still have a vagina and a uthera. The false penis is an appendage (a sporan). You will have brittle bones and risk depression. Unless you truly look masculine, tall etc you also limit your choice of partners.
There was a full nudity ftm on channel 4 about six months ago. Watch it yourself first.

Secondly I asked her to listen to Chloe Cole, American but her podcast with Dr Soh was spot on. My daughter could have written it. It is a ideology that will ruin lives.

Finally I told her don't come and ask me to litigate when you change your mind (,my daughter isn't ND but she has SEMH).
My DD is changing, she doesn't listen to the glitters so much. She wants children and a different type of partner. I ignore the name and she laughs when challenged over her preferred name.
She's studying a medical based degree and I think that helped.

Hormones are not reversible, read Kirea Bell.
I, like many parents hope this will pass.
Ask me anything if you think I can help. X

I did watch the recent programme where a female to male trans was shown naked. I was actually quite impressed by the surgery as I never realised how realistic it would look, I did discus it with dd at the time but she hasn’t seen it (she doesn’t like looking at naked people at all and probably doesn’t even realise what a real penis looks like close up), I’m not sure how much she has read up about the surgery, I’m not sure she would ever want it but she would have too surgery if offered it tomorrow, she has large breasts and hates them. Dd isn’t tall or masculine and neither are any of her so called trans friends, this is what confuses me.

I myself have always been slightly masculine, I’m often asked if I am a lesbian 😬, as a child I hung out with the boys and as an adult most my friends are male but I am 100% female and would never want to identify as a male (I just like doing masculine things, as well as feminine). Maybe if I was given all these options and genders definitions as a child/teen I would have been drawn in to the whole ‘trans’ thing? Part of me blames myself because I have brought dd up without things like make up and girly clothing and have steered her towards the whole ‘men and women are equal’ thing.

My fears are the side effects from hormones, she already has JHS (joint hypermobility syndrome) and possibly other things we haven’t yet got to the bottom of, there’s a family history of bone thinning (my side), she already has disabilities and hormones could make these a whole lot worse.

@Lovemusic82 good morning. Im sorry about your DDs disabilities. I think we may have met before on a Facebook group. Or perhaps not.
I feel like I fight this situation everyday. I refused to use the T and top surgery expressions and say testosterone and mastectomy to my daughter. It's not so low key! My daughter too has large boobs (f cup) and we have cancer in the family. There was too much interest from middle aged men when she was a child then a personal attack. She changed then. Baggy jumpers first then this ideology.
The only thing that has worked for me is my refusal to help with any medical intervention. I refused The Tavistock (, recommended after a fifteen minute consultation!). Mermaids were sinister and trotted out the suicide nonsense over the phone. I reported them.
My daughter is becoming more feminine and removes hair so it just shows what a fucked up ideology this is. She paints her nails but doesn't wear make up or female labeled clothes, just jeans as she is an hour glass. Would she pass for a man? Absolutely not. She frequently gets called pretty and now she just laughs. I would love to get her away from these online friends and into a loving relationship. Hopefully. When she changes university this year that will happen.
Oh and when she gets arsey over she/he I revert to science. She's a natal woman.

It’s not just fertility, testosterone is poison to women’s bodies. Lots of stories of urinary incontinance in young women because their muscles have atrophied on T

Trans issue aside; I have to question why you are appointee for an adult who is studying a degree?

Taking control of the finances of someone with capacity isn't usual