How to support DS, sister is trans.

[Wantofeelgood]

Hi, my daughter decided she was trans, decided we were transphobes, and left home, causing massive stress.
I’ve seen a counselor and a family counselor and they are ignoring DS. Surely this will have a massive impact? How can I support him?
he plays a lot of computer games, very occasionally goes out with mates from primary , has no mates at secondary school. He seems ..a bit lost? He gets bored with computer but doesn’t want to do anything else. Mind you, who wants to hang out with mum at 15. I take time to chat when he’s up for it, but I struggle a bit. We talk about computer games.
I’ve raised it with counselors that I’m concerned he’ll become very quiet and ‘be good’ or similar and they dismissively say ‘oh he’s playing computer that’s normal’.

The only time I could get my 15 year old boy to volunteer to spend time with me was going shopping - we would go to pizza express for a meal after wards and he would open up a bit by the end of that. This must be very sad for you OP. I assume you've told him it's ok to talk about and to miss his sibling (assuming they're not in separate contact with him?)

Have you spoken to him about his sister? Do you know how he feels about it ?

Is there anything else you could do as a family? Would he be interested in trying parkrun or something like that? I used to jog half the distance while ds ran the whole way. It was a nice friendly atmosphere but no pressure to talk to people. In particular the trip back from it, he was more relaxed and we did have conversations.

I think don't hide that you are missing his sister. It is hard if he walks off if she is mentioned but do try and keep talking about her.

I agree the counsellors sound a bit crap. Tell them you're really worried about your son and you'd like to see evidence that they are including him in the work you are doing.

thanks! I have trouble getting him out of the house, but will drag him off for pizza next weekend.
he closes down if I try and chat. She has contacted him very sporadically- seems to be on her, or our birthdays. She recently went completely no contact, but met him soon after, so I suspect (hope!) it’s because she wanted to find where the land lies. He just said they talked about ‘stuff’ I: concerned she’ll be turning him against us - she’s with quite a full on bunch, so I need to talk about coercive relationships and have not a clue how!

counsellors can be crap. I took my son to a child psychologist. He is now providing a counselling rather than psychology service to him but I rate the guy more than most counselors I have seen.

It takes a lot of time to find the right counsellor. Just move if the ones you have are not working for you.

It’s disgusting how that gender ideology movement is damaging families and children by telling kids their families are ‘phobes and they need to cut them out if they don’t immediately affirm them. Cults do that.

Yes to something like this.it’s carving out quiet, safe time together so they can open up to you if they want.

I did a baby massage class when my son was young. The woman taking it said that when she started offering her teenage son a hand or foot massage once a week, it transformed her relationship with him. At those times together he started opening up about what was on his mind, and what was going on in his life.

Oh thanks! I used to give DS foot massages when he was tiny. I’ll give it a go! Though I may get pushed off 😀

Could you ask him questions about yourself sort of thing to get him talking.

Hey son do you think we are transphobes?

Or, is anyone at your school trans? or even not that extreme is anyone in your school using gender neutral pronouns?

Instead of directly asking about how he feels about his sister open the discussion first about everything around trans. Perhaps.

Don't question him on what his sister is saying to him. Let him have privacy unless he wants to talk, otherwise you are basically pushing him into taking sides by betraying her privacy.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the trans issue, don't force your son to take a position, otherwise he stands to lose half of his family. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place. Let him be, and focus on his life, on what he enjoys, on building a good relationship.

And maybe your daughter just wants a good relationship with her brother. Neither to push ideology on him nor "to see where the land lies". Like with a divorced parent, you can be supportive of him having a great relationship with her, even though you and her don't see eye-to-eye.

Thanks. For the advice, very helpful.
I don’t feel so alone! I’m concerned he knows we don’t agree with the men in women’s spaces thing and medicalisation, but of course we are fine with people wearing whatever. I think we are ancient enough to wonder why that is even a thing.
im hoping he’s not giving the wrong end of the stick to sister - if he texts her. He says not .but suspect he does.

Could you get Gousto meals and cook them with him? Then there isn't any serious talk, just a focus on the cooking. Also with mine I used to say from nine till 10 they had to come into the living room and we'd always watch something on TV together, their choice. Basically what you want is to make sure the time you spend with him is trouble-free, stressfree, and just absolutely normal. Then if your daughter is talking to him about how horrible you are, it crosses with his experience of being with you.

Doing something together - side by side - is easier on many teens than making special talking time and being face-to-face.

Being direct can be important. Let him know that it is not disloyal to seek a relationship with his sister and that he need not keep it all secret from you.

Thank you. I’m pretty sure she is pumping him for info. I’ll do what you suggest.